The Paying Guests(95)

‘But they’re society women. Things are different for women like that. They can arrange about divorces. And when they leave their husbands, they do it for other men. If it ever came out about you and me – There’s too much against it, Frances.’

‘Against a divorce – yes, all right. But a separation? Just walking away? No one minds about that sort of thing since the War. And once you were free, we could do as we liked.’

Lilian was wiping her face again. ‘But we’d have to have money. I’ve no money at all. All my money comes from Len.’

‘We’d find work,’ said Frances. ‘Wouldn’t you like that? Earning your own wages, decently? God, I would. Or, listen to this. I thought of it last night. You could go to an art school. – Don’t look like that.’

Lilian had turned away, disappointed. ‘You’re just romancing, after all.’

‘No, I’m not. I’ve been working it out. I think we could do it, just. I’ve a little money of my own still, that didn’t get swallowed up by my father’s debts. It isn’t much – about thirty pounds. But there are things I can sell, a few bits of furniture in the house that belong to me, some old pieces of jewellery that came to me from my grandmothers —’

‘You can’t go selling your grandmothers’ jewellery, Frances!’

‘Why not? A load of dreary old emeralds and garnets. What use are they to me?’

‘But I couldn’t live on your money.’

‘You live on Leonard’s.’

‘That’s different.’

‘Yes, it is. He pays you to be his cook, his char and his mistress. I should be sharing my money with you until you could earn money of your own. And once I’d found work —’

‘There isn’t any work.’

‘There’s always cleaning, cooking, waitressing. I’m good at those things. I might as well be paid for them. And while I’m doing them, I can enrol on some sort of correspondence course. Book-keeping, or typewriting. Christina did it; why shouldn’t I? And meanwhile, you’ll take your classes. Haven’t you always wanted to? Stevie can help us find you an art school.’

‘But even supposing – Where would we live? I’d be a married girl, separated. People would think the worst of me. We couldn’t stay here with your mother. She wouldn’t want me in the house. You know she wouldn’t.’

‘Then we’d look for rooms right away. My mother could take in more lodgers. I’ve been thinking about that too. She can’t live on dwindling dividends for ever. With more lodgers there’d be an income – enough for a maid, to replace me.’

‘But you couldn’t leave her like that, could you?’

Frances hesitated. Could she? But what was the alternative? Settle ever more neatly, ever more dumbly, ever more dishonestly, into her role?

She caught hold of Lilian’s hands again. ‘I would do it,’ she said, ‘for you.’

The tears came back into Lilian’s eyes. She pulled away. ‘Oh, Frances.’

‘Don’t cry. Why are you crying?’

‘Because it’s all too much. There are too many people in it. I don’t care about Len any more, but he’d hate it. He’d come after me. I know he would.’

‘Would he really, though? Isn’t he as unhappy as you are?’

‘But it isn’t about what he wants. It’s about how the thing would look. It’s always been about that. He’d think of his family, his friends, the Pearl. He wants to get on; it would ruin things for him. And then, what would my family say?’

‘They might say they wanted you to be happy.’

‘Your mother wouldn’t say that. Why should mine? – because she’s from Walworth, and cares less? You know what people would think of us.’

‘Not everyone thinks that way.’

‘Oh, the whole world does. You know it does. Everybody’s so narrow and mean and —’

‘No. Only a few people are. But the rest of us – don’t you see? The rest of us become narrow and mean when we live falsely. I’m sick to death of living falsely. I’ve been doing it for years. I had that chance with Christina to give myself over to someone I loved; I let it go by. It seemed at the time like a brave thing to do. But it wasn’t bravery. I was a coward. I won’t be a coward with you. I won’t let you be a coward, either. But you’re braver than you think. If you weren’t, you would never have crossed the kitchen and kissed me, after Netta’s party. You would never have said, “Take me home.” You would never have pulled the stake from my heart. You remember that moment?’

Lilian looked at her, but didn’t answer.

‘You remember?’ Frances persisted. ‘You drew out that stake, and everything changed. You’ve been acting since then as though you can somehow tuck that change into your ordinary life. Lilian, you can’t. It’s too big a thing.’

‘You keep saying that,’ said Lilian. ‘But don’t you understand? It’s because it’s so big. It’s everything I’ve ever known. What you want me to do, it’s everything I’ve ever thought, and everything everyone else thinks about me – it’s all of it, changing.’

‘I know it is. But isn’t it marvellous, to think of changing like that? And what’s the use of anything, otherwise? What’s the good of having gone through the War, all that, if two people who love each other the way we do can’t be together? But you have to promise me, about Leonard. You must say no to him from now on.’