The Passenger (The Passenger, #1)(22)

She took a linen handkerchief from her purse and opened her compact and dabbed at her eyes. She closed the compact and put it away and looked at him and smiled. Are you sure you want to hear all this?

Yes. I do.

All right. A year later I was working in New York in this upscale restaurant and sharing a walk-up flat with a real girl. I was fifteen. I had a fake ID and I was making really good money and I was working on my English and I’d started my hormone treatments. This doctor I was going to told me that I was a gracile mesomorph. And I said yes and you’re a nasty bugger. Because we were friends by then. But I asked him what that meant and he said it means that you’re going to be a goodlooking girl. And I said that’s not good enough. What about spectacular? And he smiled and he said: We’ll see. And we did. I remember coming down one morning to go to the deli and I sort of trotted down the stairs. I just had on jeans and a T-shirt. And my titties jiggled. God. I was so excited. I ran back up the stairs and came trotting down again.

Of course by then I’d started drinking and that almost finished me off. I was a born alcoholic. Luckily I met someone. Sheer blind luck. He got me into AA. I had trouble with the God thing. A lot of people do. And then I woke up one night in the middle of the night and I was lying there and I thought: If there is no higher power then I’m it. And that just scared the shit out of me. There is no God and I am she. So I began to really work on that. I’m still working on it. Maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be. But I’ve made some progress. I was mad at him for screwing me up the way he did but maybe he’s not as perfect as people like to think. He’s got a lot on his plate and he has to do it all himself. No help.

Do you believe in God?

The truth?

Sure.

I dont know who God is or what he is. But I dont believe all this stuff got here by itself. Including me. Maybe everything evolves just like they say it does. But if you sound it to its source you have to come ultimately to an intention.

Sound it to its source?

You like that? Pascal. About a year after this I woke up again and it was like I had heard this voice in my sleep and I could still hear the echo of it and it said: If something did not love you you would not be here. And I said okay. That’s it. Plain enough. Maybe it doesnt sound like much. But it was to me. So I do like the program says, Bobby. One day at a time. I need to spend more time with women and it’s difficult. They feel threatened. Or we get to be friends and then I tell them and you can feel the distance settle in. Rare exceptions. Very rare. I’m trying to get Clara to come down here. To go to school here. You can guess who’s against that. I’ve been reading about the sexual dimorphism in the brain. It may be more adaptable than people think. It may be that you can change it. You know where this is going because we talked about it. I want to have a female soul. I want the female soul to contain me. That’s what I want and that’s all I want. I thought that it might be always out of my reach but now I’ve started to have faith. That’s what I pray for when I pray. To be let in the door. To be a member of the feminine. It doesnt really have anything to do with sex. With having sex. And all the rest is just fluff.

She smiled. She raised one slender arm and looked at the thin whitegold Patek Philippe Calatrava she wore. What time is it? she said.

Two eighteen.

Very good.

Is that a pre-war?

It is. No complications.

The story of your life.

The story of my new life. My life as I wish it to be. I have to go. I have a three oclock call. You’re a sweetheart Darling. Thank you. And thank you for listening to all my bloody travails. I havent asked a thing about you. I’ll call you. Is that all right?

Yes.

He paid the check and they rose to go. The only thing that I dont like about sitting in front is that you dont get to walk through the restaurant.

You do enough damage.

I know. It’s just something I have to live with.

On the sidewalk she kissed him on both cheeks. All the time I’ve known you, I’ve never once asked myself what it is that you want.

From you?

From me. Yes. That’s very unusual for me. Thank you.

He watched her until she was lost among the tourists. Men and women alike turning to look after her. He thought that God’s goodness appeared in strange places. Dont close your eyes.





III


The winter months deepened but the Kid seemed to have left. She was taking courses after school at the University and she seldom got home before dark. Then one evening she came in and threw her books on the bed and he was sitting at her desk. Come in, he said. Shut the door. Where’ve you been?

I’ve been at school.

Yeah? It’s after seven oclock. You dont think that’s a bit late? He hauled out his watch and checked the time. He tapped at the crystal and held the thing to his ear.

How do you know what time I’m supposed to be home?

Right. Sit your ass down. You’re making the place untidy.

She pushed over the books and stretched out on the bed with her hands under her chin.

That’s not sitting. That’s lying down.

What’s the difference?

You cant pay proper attention. The full vertical and upright position facilitates the flow of blood to the brain. The frontal lobes in particular. As mandatory with aircraft landings for example. Preparatory to impact and the ensuing dismemberment and subsequent incineration. I thought you were trained in anthropology?