The Party Crasher(43)

  “?‘Joe’ is fine,” says Joe politely, whereupon Lacey bats her eyelashes at him.

  “Oh, I couldn’t possibly! You’ll always be ‘Dr. Joe’ to me. You do know I’m already in love with you?” She laughs, tossing her hair back again.

  She’s even sexier than Krista, with mesmerizing green eyes. Also, she’s younger than Krista, maybe mid-thirties. Although still older than Joe, I note to myself. (Not in a bitchy way. Just in an accurate way.)

      “I’m a very honest person,” she adds to Joe. “I have to say things the way I see them. It’s Lacey’s way.” She twinkles at him. “And if you don’t like it, then don’t sign up for the program, excuse my French.”

  “Right,” replies Joe, sounding a bit baffled. “Are you in exercise wear too?” he asks politely.

  “No, but I’ve modeled for Krista’s company,” says Lacey. “I’m a contortionist in my spare time. She gets me walking on my hands, that kind of thing.”

  “You’re a contortionist?”

  “You should see her,” puts in Krista proudly. “Lacey can get her thighs right behind her ears, can’t you, Lace?”

  “Oh yeah, easy.” Lacey nods complacently, and I swear all the men shuffle slightly in their chairs.

  “Now, attention,” says Dad, tapping a fork on the rim of his wineglass. “Before we proceed, I just want to say how marvelous it is to have all of us here tonight, including you, Lacey.” He smiles kindly at her. “And Joe, of course, and Humph, although I don’t know where he’s got to…”

  “Thank you, Tony,” says Lacey charmingly, lifting her wineglass toward him. “And thank you for welcoming me, everyone.”

  “It’s not quite all of us, though, is it?” Bean’s voice bursts out of her in a tremor. “What about Effie?”

  There’s a long, charged silence around the table. In the mirror, I can see that Gus has winced and put his hand to his brow. Romilly has turned to look at Bean in astonishment. Joe has frozen, his hand clenched rigidly around his glass, his dark gaze unreadable. Krista is smiling glacially as though no one has uttered a word. I can see Lacey’s eyes swiveling about the motionless scene as though in gleeful fascination.

      I swallow several times, feeling hot all over, suddenly claustrophobic in my tiny hidden space.

  “Effie,” says Dad at last, his voice light but strained. “Effie made her choice about tonight. And we must…respect that.” He draws breath and seems about to continue, but then another voice comes booming forth, breaking the tension:

  “Greetings, all! Sorry I’m so late!”

  It’s Humph, striding through the dining room. Great. My entire being recoils. All I need to make this evening even more super-fun is another ex-boyfriend appearing on the scene. Especially one with eyebrows like caterpillars and a laugh like—

  Wait. I blink as Humph swings in and out of my restricted view. Is that Humph? I can scarcely believe it. I know Bean said he’d changed, but he’s practically unrecognizable. His eyebrows are groomed. His hair is almost cool. He’s thinner, bearded, and wearing a black dinner jacket which is kind of…sleek.

  The idea that Humph and sleek might go together is unbelievable.

  “We didn’t meet earlier,” I can hear him saying to Lacey as he extends a hand. “Humphrey.”

  “You’re the Honorable Humph!” exclaims Lacey in delight. “Does everyone around this table have a fancy title or is it just these two gorgeous men? I’m a sucker for a good-looking man,” she adds to Bean. “You know? A really handsome man. It’s Lacey’s way.” She beams and throws back her hair.

      “I prefer hideously ugly men,” says Bean, deadpan, but Lacey completely misses the irony.

  “Do you?” she says with a bright vagueness, her attention already back on Humph. “And what do you do?” She gives a sudden excited gasp. “Don’t tell me—squire of the manor.”

  “I’m a medical practitioner,” says Humph pleasantly, and I frown, puzzled. A medical practitioner? Surely Humph went to agricultural college?

  “Snap!” says Lacey, looking from Joe to Humph. “Two doctors in the house.”

  “Not really,” says Joe, taking a gulp of wine.

  “I practice alternative medicine,” explains Humph. He takes a small brown bottle out of his pocket and drops a colorless liquid into his water glass.

  “What’s that?” queries Lacey eagerly.

  “It’s a digestive compound,” says Humph. “Everyone should take it.”

  “In your unqualified opinion,” puts in Joe, and Humph gives a long, pitying sigh.

  “I’m fully qualified in Dr. Herman Spinken’s techniques of internal alignment,” he says smoothly to Lacey. “There’s a website I can point you to. We have some impressive testimonies.”

  “Impressive prices too,” says Joe. “Or, wait, do I mean ‘extortionate’?” Humph glares briefly at him before turning back to Lacey.