The Other Side(84)
I want to open the door and hug her. But I don’t because even after everything that’s happened the past hour, I can’t face them. “Hi, Alice.”
“Toby isn’t ready to come out of his room yet and face this full-on, but he’s listening. I promise you, he’s listening,” Johnny explains.
Chantal half coughs, half clears her throat, she does this when she’s ramping up to say something she doesn’t really want to say. “I’m not quite sure where to start. Other than my grandma, Toby, you’re the one person in my life that I always know I can count on. You’ve helped me more times than I can count and you’ve never asked for anything in return. Joey,” her voice cracks on his name and then her voice breaks down, “is so lucky to have you in his life.”
That’s all it takes for the lump to return to my throat.
“That little boy loves you. You spend time with him. You play with him. You read to him. You feed him. You hold him for hours when he sleeps because you know you’ll wake him if you try to put him in his crib. You buy diapers when I’m running low. And formula. I know whenever I find a plastic shopping bag hanging on the outside of our door that you put it there and it always seems to come just when he needs it most. I know when you do that, you go without so that he doesn’t.” Tears have distorted the words. She sniffles and then I hear her blow her nose.
“He’s a good dad,” Johnny says quietly. I picture him trying to awkwardly comfort her. They both aren’t touchy-feely people, so I bet it’s not going well.
She sniffles again. “He’s the best person I know. Toby, I know that I get stressed and I get busy and that I worry about me and Joey and my grandma. Sometimes I forget that other people have problems too because our problems seem so big that I can’t see past them. I let you down. I always knew you carried around this sadness, but I never realized how profoundly heavy it was. I never saw that it was smothering you. I guess I figured that because you always found it in you to be there for us that it wasn’t that bad.” She sniffles again and the next words are quiet. “But I never asked. I never asked,” she repeats. “I should’ve checked in with you like you’ve checked in with me.”
I interrupt her because she’s being too hard on herself. “You have plenty on your plate. It wasn’t your job to take care of me too.”
“But I should’ve asked you if you were doing okay.” It sounds like an agonizing apology. “Just once, I should’ve been there for you. I wasn’t. And I’m so sorry for that.” We’re all quiet for several seconds before she starts in again. “Toby, tonight when Cliff came and knocked on our door and told us what happened, I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. The pain of what could’ve been was quickly followed up by the relief that it didn’t. Don’t you ever scare us like that again. I know I’m horrible at telling people how I feel, but I care about you, Toby. I care about your happiness and your future. I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching the past hour and I’ve decided it’s time everyone knows the truth, including my grandma. You’ve sacrificed yourself way too long to protect me.”
I hear the chair creak again. I don’t know if Johnny decided he needed to take a seat to hear the news or if Chantal sat down because she can’t get through this standing.
“A little over a year ago…” She stops to quell the emotion that’s rising.
“Chantal, you don’t have to tell them. It’s okay. Don’t do this for me,” I beg.
“I was raped,” she continues as if I didn’t speak, “by my English professor. I got pregnant. With Joey.” I hear pacing, it’s Johnny. He does this when he’s trying to solve a problem. I hear the click of his lighter, followed quickly by another cigarette and the Zippo sliding under the door for me.
I gladly accept the calm, light up, and slide the lighter back out when I’ve taken a few drags.
Silence stretches on. Everyone is processing. I close my eyes and focus on breathing in the nicotine.
“Joey isn’t Toby’s?” Johnny finally asks.
“No.” Chantal’s guilt is a burden she carries with her every day. I know that. But I don’t think I’ve ever truly felt the gravity of it until now.
“Chantal, you don’t have to talk about this. It was my idea, Johnny. Chantal didn’t want anyone to know what happened, so I offered to help. You know…so nobody had to know who his real dad was.”
“Shit,” Johnny says, and in that one word, I hear his shock at the situation and his alarm on Chantal’s behalf.
“Yeah,” Chantal seconds. “Shit.”
More silence.
“Did you go to the police?” Alice finally asks.
“No,” Chantal whispers. “You have no idea how ashamed I am to say that in front of all of you, but I couldn’t do it. I knew no one would believe me.” Her voice is thick again.
Johnny’s voice is soft when he says, “I have a friend who’s a cop. I’ve known him since we were kids, he’s a good guy. If you ever change your mind and want to talk to someone, to report it…” he trails off like he doesn’t know what else to say.
“I don’t think I’m quite there yet, but thanks, Johnny.” She’s not, but I hope she gets there someday. “Everyone knows, so you’re off the hook, Toby. You don’t have to pretend any longer.”