The Other Side(82)
“I enlisted in the Marines the summer after I graduated from high school. Two nights before I shipped out to basic training, my buddy threw me a going-away party at his cousin’s house not far from here. The place filled up fast with high school and college kids, a lot of them I didn’t recognize. It didn’t take long before I was wasted. I ran into Nina standing in line at the keg. I thought she was pretty and told her so. We started talking and even though she was a little shy, she was really funny and just…nice. Before long, we were making out and one thing led to another.”
Flicking the ash onto the paper plate that my sandwich was on earlier, I stop him because I’m doing the math in my head. “She was only fourteen.”
His inhale and exhale are long and loud repentance. “She told me she was eighteen and I believed her. She looked older. She acted older.”
I believe him, but it’s then that I hear Alice’s voice in my head when I told her about my first kiss with my neighbor. I understand why she asked the question because rage is swelling. “Was it consensual?”
His answer is immediate. “Of course, I would never force myself on anyone. I can be an asshole, but I’m not a rapist, Toby.”
I can’t picture a fourteen-year-old Nina, but I believe him. “Then what happened?”
“I told her before we did anything that I was leaving town and wouldn’t be back. We both knew it was a one-night thing. I left for basic training and then shipped out to Vietnam. I didn’t come back to Denver for four years, and when I did, I was a disaster. The war changed me: I couldn’t hold down a job, I couldn’t go more than a day without a drink, I moved around a lot and slept on friends’ couches or sometimes on the street. Then my parents died. We were estranged at that point, I hadn’t talked to them in years, but their will was outdated and made while I was still in high school. They left me this house that was a rental property. Cliff’s mom, my younger sister, got the house we grew up in. Their minimal savings was split between the two of us. I moved in and took over as landlord here. As you well know, I’m shit at the job.
“One day eight years ago, someone knocked on my door asking about the apartment for rent ad in the newspaper, her mom and brother were looking for a place. It was Nina. I recognized her immediately and she recognized me too. I showed her the apartment. You and Marilyn moved in the next day. As soon as I saw you, I knew you were mine. I confronted her and she told me the whole story. When she got pregnant, she told her mom she didn’t know who the father was, only that he was a soldier headed to Vietnam, which was true. A month before she delivered you, she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. She threatened suicide the day after you were born and was held under psychiatric observation until you were ready to be released from the hospital. Rather than putting you up for adoption, her mom took you, fearing that Nina would try to kill herself if you were taken away. Nina knew she was too young and too unstable to raise you and agreed to it.
“Marilyn always blamed Nina’s mental health issues on her pregnancy with you, which is a crock of shit. That’s why she always held a grudge against you. Marilyn was delusional. It got worse with time. When Nina found me, she wanted me to take you, but you were ten, and I was an alcoholic with night terrors who couldn’t function in the real world. The thought of fucking up your life with my influence and instability was unconscionable. Instead, I insisted that Nina make sure that Marilyn stayed with you in this house until you graduated, and I promised to keep an eye on you. I only charged Marilyn for utilities and she never questioned why the rent was so cheap. From one alcoholic to another, I understood her detachment from reality.”
My mind is reeling, but when he pauses to light another cigarette, I ask, “Nina was bipolar? Why didn’t I ever know that?”
“They hid a lot from you. Obviously. But I’m not one to talk in that department. I’m sorry,” he says solemnly. “When Nina was medicated, she handled it valiantly. She was just a nice, caring girl with a great sense of humor. But when she wasn’t medicated, it’s because she decided to medicate with something else, usually heroin, and that’s when she went off the rails. Addiction consumed her. Toby, I really didn’t know Nina that well. She lived like a gypsy, coming and going all the time. We talked occasionally, mostly about you. But through our interactions, I did see both sides of Nina and the difference was startling, like two different people. She struggled. She was in and out of rehab several times and OD’d twice that I know of.”
“Three times,” I correct him. “I knew about the drug use. She couldn’t walk away from it for long before it lured her back in. That’s when she’d disappear and we didn’t see her for months on end. I didn’t know that’s what was going on until I was thirteen. My mom…Marilyn hid that too.”
“Yeah. Two addicts covering for each other is a volatile pairing.”
“I guess I never saw it that way. They were always at odds. Always fighting.”
“I’m not going to pretend I know anything about their relationship, only what I witnessed firsthand. It wasn’t healthy. The fighting or the covering for each other.”
I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone. I know I lived in chaos, but I didn’t realize I lived in the middle of such a big lie. “Everything was a lie.”
“The adults in your life tried to do their best, but their best was shit because they were a mess. That’s not your fault, Toby. That’s our fault. I’m sorry you suffered for it. I know the saying, ‘Too little, too late,’ is ironic and cliché in this situation, and you’d probably punch me in the face if you could right now, and I wouldn’t blame you. But I want to make it up to you. I’m finally sober. I’m finally in therapy dealing with stuff I should’ve dealt with fifteen years ago when I was discharged. I want to be a dad to you. I want to be in your life. I want to be involved in your life. I want a chance to really get to know you because you’re one of the toughest people I’ve ever met.”