The Lost Man(72)

‘Maybe he’s worried about what you’re planning to do with the place.’

‘God, I haven’t even thought about it. I mean, it’s not like I asked for this. I’d probably sell it to him, if he’d let me get a word in edgeways.’

‘I doubt he could afford it,’ Nathan said.

‘Or to you, then.’

‘I definitely couldn’t afford it.’

‘Not even at mates’ rates?’

‘We’d have to be bloody good mates.’

The silence was laced with something at the edges. They were both too old to be embarrassed and Nathan thought he saw the very corner of her mouth twitch. Ilse looked at the empty beer in Nathan’s hand, then looked at him.

‘Will you have another one?’

He hesitated. He tried to avoid drinking too much around her, preferring to keep a clear head. Still. She sat opposite, looking over at him. He could.

He would pay for it later though, he knew, in a few days’ time when he was back in his empty, silent house. Over the years, Nathan had discovered that his isolation was strangely easier to cope with when he was on his own for long stretches. Then, the loneliness became routine, sometimes fading to barely more than a dull background ache. His early desperation for human contact had changed too. Other people’s company should have been a relief but now just stirred up complicated emotions that he later had to deal with all on his own, long after they were gone. It was getting harder for him to recover each time and taking far longer to get back to normal, if he could even call it that. But if spending time with other people was bad enough, spending time with Ilse was worse. As much as he wanted to, and the biggest and deepest part of Nathan really wanted to, he simply couldn’t do it to himself.

He looked at her now as the kitchen clock ticked loudly, and took a breath. ‘No. Thanks, though.’

Her eyes followed him as he stood up and all of a sudden, she looked very alone. He pushed in his chair.

‘I’d better go and talk to Xander.’ That was true, actually.

Ilse looked down at the table for a moment, then nodded. ‘It sounds like he was worried.’

‘Did he say something to you?’

‘No. But I wasn’t here most of the day. I’ve barely seen him.’

‘Oh yeah?’ Nathan tried to keep his voice light. ‘What were you doing?’

Ilse shrugged, and the red dust settled deeper into the fabric creases. ‘I needed to get out of here so I took the workers’ vehicle and went for a drive.’

He frowned. ‘What’s wrong with yours?’

Strangely, Ilse looked almost amused. ‘It’s very unreliable. I’ve got stuck a couple of times.’

‘Cam and Harry couldn’t get it going?’

‘Sometimes, but then there’d be something else.’

‘You want me to take a look? Although if they couldn’t fix it, I can’t make any promises.’

He thought he heard a movement in the hall and they both looked over at the empty doorway. No-one appeared. Ilse looked back, a slightly odd expression on her face.

‘Why not?’ she said. ‘Thanks. It’s in the small garage.’

‘No worries.’ Nathan stepped back from the table. Ask her. ‘Where did you drive to today?’

Ilse’s gaze flicked once more to the doorway. It was still empty. ‘Don’t tell the others.’

‘Okay.’

‘I went out to the stockman’s grave. I wanted some time alone to think about Cameron. With the funeral tomorrow, everyone’s going to be talking about him –’ She looked down. ‘I feel like Cam – the Cameron that I knew – could get lost in all this. Do you know what I mean?’

Nathan nodded. They might be burying Cameron tomorrow, but he realised part of him still half expected his brother to appear around the corner. It was almost unbelievable that the man he had grown up with and fought with and loved in his own way wasn’t there anymore. That the deep hole outside could be for Cameron.

‘Yeah,’ he said finally. He looked at Ilse, with her eyes heavy above her dust-stained collar. ‘I know what you mean.’





Chapter 27



Xander’s bedroom door was shut.

Nathan knocked. ‘Can I come in?’

No response. He waited, then opened the door anyway. His son was lying on the bed, reading. Xander barely looked up.

‘You’re back.’

Nathan sat on the end of the bed. ‘Sorry I was so long.’

Xander stared at the page, his eyes unmoving, then dropped his book on his chest. ‘Did you do your test?’ His voice was not friendly.

‘Yes.’

‘And could you see the flags from the road?’

Two out of three. ‘Not every time.’

‘So what does that mean?’

‘I don’t know.’

Xander flopped back and picked up his book again.

‘Grandma said you were worried.’

No answer.

‘I really am sorry, mate.’

Xander stared at the page. Nathan waited as long as he could, but this time he broke the silence himself.

‘I didn’t mean to –’

‘It’s fine.’ Xander turned a page.