The Lost Man(52)

‘Why weren’t you looking out for your brother?’

Nathan had no idea what to say to that.

‘You saw them, though?’ Carl was pointing at Cam, but shouting at Nathan. ‘Go on, then. Tell me. Has he done something I need to worry about?’

Carl’s eyes were on him now. Their gazes drew level these days, and Nathan wondered why he was still flooded with the same terror he’d felt his whole life. The feeling that came whenever Carl raised his voice or his hands or both. When Nathan had been forced to burn his guitar.

It would never change, Nathan realised with a terrible flash of clarity. Carl wouldn’t stop and Nathan didn’t seem to be able to make him, so perhaps they were stuck like this for the rest of their lives. He was exhausted by the thought. His head hurt from the blow. He looked at Cameron, and whatever his brother had or hadn’t done, Nathan was suddenly sick of it all.

He didn’t want any of this. It wasn’t him bringing that kind of trouble home. He at least had the bloody sense to check he had the nod from Jacqui before he took her pants off. Nathan’s head was still ringing as he looked from Carl to Cameron and all at once he didn’t want to be near either of these men. He wanted to be all alone, somewhere far away. He was still thinking about that when Cameron brushed his arm lightly with his elbow, and brought him back with a jolt. Nathan realised his mistake and opened his mouth and did what he would expect Cam to do for him. Have his back.

‘No,’ he said. ‘Cam didn’t do anything.’

In reality, the answer had come only a beat late. Not even that; half a beat. A delay so slight it was barely discernible. But Carl had noticed it, as his eyes slid from one son to the other.

‘Right,’ he said, in a voice that suggested that, for once, he understood his boys perfectly. ‘Leave. I need to talk to your brother.’ And with that, Nathan was dismissed.

He had sat in his car with the doors shut so he couldn’t hear anything coming from the house. He saw Bub sneak out and opened the passenger door to let him climb in. He could tell Bub wanted to ask questions, and Nathan felt he should try to answer, but when neither found the words they simply sat together in shamed silence.

Nathan, already guilt-ridden, used the time to rehearse in his head what he would say to Cameron. I didn’t mean to hesitate. It meant nothing. He’d learned a long time ago to think first and talk second, because Carl did not like getting the wrong answer. I was scared, Cam. I was scared of Dad. I’m sorry. I know you didn’t do anything wrong. Nathan wanted to say all that and more to Cameron, and he did, later, several times. It made no difference.

It took a long time for Cameron to look Nathan in the eye again. When he did, it was through a shadow of betrayal that never, in twenty years, fully went away.





Chapter 18



Xander’s room was empty when Nathan went back inside, but he could hear the shower running in the bathroom. A half-read book lay open on Xander’s bed. It was the same book Nathan had bought to give his son for Christmas, he noticed with annoyance. The card being used as a bookmark indicated it was a gift from Xander’s stepfather, Martin, an architect whose work with dazzling reflective polished metal surfaces was occasionally described in newspapers as ‘polarising’. Nathan took a deep breath, closed the door and walked back to the living room.

Through the window, he could still make out the dark outline of the backpackers’ caravan. He watched it for a minute, thinking about what Sophie said, then turned and fired up the family computer on the desk in the corner. Ten minutes later he had managed to access the wheezing internet and was waiting for a social media site to flicker to life. When it finally loaded, he clicked on the search bar and typed in Katy’s name.

The computer grunted as Nathan scrolled through the search results slowly the first time, then twice more. Nothing. Nothing that he could see, anyway. There were plenty of people with the same name as Katy, but none with a profile or picture that seemed to match. He checked his watch. Not long until the generator went down for the night. He tapped in Simon’s name next, scrolling as fast as the groaning technology would let him. He was on the third page when the floorboards in the hall creaked. Harry appeared in the doorway. He glanced at the computer but couldn’t see the screen from where he stood.

‘I’ve been talking to Bub,’ he said.

‘Oh yeah?’ From his face, Nathan could guess what this was about.

‘And we both know Bub gets things wrong from time to time,’ Harry said.

‘Sometimes.’

‘So I’m seriously hoping he’s wrong about you not having your gun licence anymore.’

‘I didn’t get around to renewing it.’

‘Bullshit. What, for the first time in your life it slipped your mind, did it?’

Nathan said nothing.

‘You’ve surrendered all your weapons to Glenn?’

‘Those are the rules, Harry.’

‘It’s basic equipment, mate –’

‘I’ll get it renewed.’

‘You’re all the way out there on your own. You turn your radio off for days at a time –’

‘Jesus, Harry, I said I’ll renew it.’

‘Does your mum know that’s how you’re living?’

‘I’m sure you’ll tell her.’