The Lost Man(19)

‘Will you go into property management as well, do you think?’ Simon asked.

‘Oh. No. I don’t think so. It’s not really –’ Xander saw Nathan, Bub and Harry all watching him and he hesitated. ‘I want to go to uni. I’m not too sure after that.’

He looked a little embarrassed but was saved by movement at the kitchen door. They all looked up. In the doorway stood Cameron’s wife, turned freshly made widow. Ilse had one hand on the doorjamb and an unsteady air about her. Her light brown hair was unbrushed and had been pulled back hastily with an elastic band. Her face was flushed and shiny and it was clear she’d been crying.

Nathan didn’t sit up in his chair. He didn’t straighten his shoulders or run a hand through his hair or neaten his shirt. The urge was so instinctive, he found it a little uncomfortable to resist, like holding his breath. But still he didn’t move. He just sat there, pushing back against involuntary reactions. Eventually, he counted to three and allowed himself to raise his eyes and glance at Ilse, just once.

She wasn’t even looking at him.





Chapter 7



Ilse hovered in the doorway, looking very much like she wanted to turn and leave.

‘Come and sit down.’ Harry beckoned to her and she took a few steps in. ‘Are the girls coming?’

‘They’re asleep. Lo’s in Liz’s room. She wouldn’t settle in her own.’

Katy stood up. ‘I’ll get you something to eat.’

‘It’s fine. I’m not –’ Ilse started, but Katy had already placed a plate in front of the remaining vacant spot next to Nathan.

The hesitation was so brief Nathan could almost tell himself he imagined it, then he felt the cotton of Ilse’s shirt brush against his arm and heard the soft creak of the chair as she sat down beside him.

‘Nice to see you, Nathan.’

‘You too.’

He could still remember the first time he’d seen Ilse standing in this kitchen. It was nine years ago and only the fifth time he’d seen her at all. He had walked in and seen someone standing alone at the sink, re-filling a water jug. Nathan had registered her dress, her light brown hair, and the curve of her back before he fully realised who he was looking at.

She had turned and they’d both stopped and stood there wordlessly, each as surprised as the other. Nathan had taken a breath to say – what? To this day, he didn’t know – when Cameron had swept into the room and up to Ilse. He’d put his palm against the small of her back and gently moved a stray strand of hair before kissing her cheek. Nathan had made his lungs release the air and, with effort, shut his mouth. Later, Ilse had caught him alone in the hall.

‘I didn’t expect to see you here,’ she’d said.

No shit, he’d thought. Same here. ‘Well, Cameron’s my brother,’ he said out loud.

‘I didn’t know that when I met him. I’m sorry.’

But she hadn’t looked sorry, she’d looked happy. Ilse did not look happy now.

‘How are the girls, Ilse?’ Harry asked.

‘Confused. Full of questions. Same as everyone. I have no idea how to explain it to them.’ Her voice was tight and she looked across at Bub, who was busy clearing his plate. ‘You were about their age when your dad died.’

Bub’s fork slowed. ‘I suppose.’

‘Did anyone say anything that helped you understand what was going on?’

It was a sign of Ilse’s desperation that she was even asking, Nathan thought. Bub started eating again.

‘Dunno,’ he said, still chewing. ‘Not really. I was okay.’

That wasn’t even close to true, Nathan knew. Nathan had been barely twenty-one when their dad died, with Cameron two years behind. But Bub had only been eight and there had been nightmares. Nathan had seen and heard them for himself when he’d come home, the whole house waking up to the sound of shrieks. Bub’s face shiny with sweat and tears, saying that Dad was alive, but now bloodied and furious at what had happened to him. The nightmares had lasted for years apparently, Nathan wasn’t sure exactly how long. There were plenty of things worse than bad dreams, but Bub had not been okay, not at all.

‘Did anyone actually talk to Uncle Cam before he left on Wednesday?’ Xander looked around the table.

Harry pointed his fork at Simon. ‘We’d both already gone, but –’ He gestured at Katy, who nodded.

‘I saw him. Briefly. The girls and I were playing in the schoolroom – it’s in that cabin near the stables?’ she said. ‘I went to get something from the house and saw Cameron heading to his car.’

‘Did he say anything?’ Nathan asked.

‘Only that he was on his way to meet Bob – sorry, sorry, Bub – at Lehmann’s Hill. I asked if they were both still planning to stay out overnight, so I didn’t need to worry about them for dinner. He said yes, and they would be back the next day.’

‘And how did he seem?’ Nathan asked.

‘I didn’t really know him that well.’

‘You can say what you think, though.’

She was still picking at her nails. Simon noticed and put his hand on hers.

‘Honestly,’ Katy said finally. ‘He seemed quite agitated. And he was keen to get going, like he had something to do that he wanted to get out of the way. I assumed it was the Lehmann’s Hill trip, though.’