The Holiday Switch(44)

    “This is…wow.” I was fully resigned to use my laptop until it died or all the keys fell off. I know how much this costs. I can probably tell you how many hours it would take for me to earn enough to buy this laptop. “Are you sure?”

“What do you mean, are we sure?” Dad glances at Mom for a beat, then says, “We want you to have everything you need to succeed.”

Inside me is a balloon that’s been inflated, filled with gratitude and joy. But it’s also taut with uncertainty and guilt. My parents have sacrificed and worked hard to get back on their feet. For me to succeed.

But what does that really mean?



* * *





Christmas Day passes like a vivid dream, from the twins’ early wakeup just shy of 5:00 a.m. so that we can open gifts, through brunch and early dinner, which consists of the usual suspects: lumpia and pancit, fried chicken and ham, bibingka, and Filipino fruit salad. The house is turned upside down, the noise level rises and falls depending on who’s in charge of the playlist, and the fire is kept lit throughout the day.

It is glorious. And like every year, even those lean years, I am swept up in all of it. There’s no rush, no pressure to be anywhere. There is just relaxing, and lounging, and something I never do during the rest of the year: Napping.

I’m still in my footed pajamas, though I did wash my face and brush my teeth this morning, and I pulled my Ate card and demanded the chaise part of our L-shaped couch. I lie down on my side and watch Grant, who is playing with his army men on the ottoman in front of the fireplace. Without Graham, he’s much calmer, and watching him set up the little figures is like ASMR for the eyes.

    I was just as methodical with my Legos when I was a kid. I imagined worlds and built them one brick at a time. Yes, I would build them according to the box’s instructions, but shortly after, I’d take it all apart and rebuild it anew. Sometimes I took parts from other sets to put together one new world.

That’s how I built my high school life. One class, one club, one interest, until something bigger materialized. But while it’s so easy to change your mind with Legos if you don’t like the structure, what happens if you simply want to change your mind about the future? At what point can I switch things up? Is there even such a thing?

My phone buzzes next to my face.

Teddy: Merry Christmas

I blink with heavy eyelids.

Lila: Merry Christmas





Teddy: I hate to say it but I miss you





I gasp, now wide awake.

Teddy: There’s no one nagging me about anything





I laugh, and Grant turns to me with a goofy grin. He’s holding up a figurine. Then I have an idea. “Grant, smile,” I prompt.

    His smile grows wider, spanning from ear to ear. I snap a picture and send it to Teddy. This, I realize, is the first photo I’ve texted him, and my mind races. Was that a good move? Our conversations are always laced with a little sarcasm and right now, there’s no hint of it.

I’m confused about lots of things these days.

Teddy: Grant, right?





Lila: Yep





Teddy: Spiderman

He was the first up the wall





Lila: That’s right





At the birthday party, Teddy called Grant Spider-Man.

My phone buzzes with another text. It’s a picture of Teddy holding up a Spider-Man graphic novel.

A. Graphic. Novel. My heart flutters.

Teddy: Show it to Grant!





Lila: Are you reading that?





Teddy: Nah.

Just bought it to let it sit here on my dresser





Lila: Brat





“Grant.” I wave my brother over and show him the screen. “Look.”

“Whoa, that’s cool!” Grant gives me a thumbs-up. I take another pic of him and send it.

Teddy: My man!





Warmth fills my chest. I settle back into the chaise, texting on my side.

Lila: I have a sister too Irene

Lila: A freshman





Teddy: Three years apart Like my mom and Tita Lou

Do you both get along?





Lila: We’re sisters

It’s complicated





Teddy: I hear you

I feel the complication

Not sure how to handle the complication

I run from complication





Lila: Climb you mean?





Teddy: Touché





Lila: Your Tita Lou is pretty great





A text doesn’t follow; Teddy either got sidetracked or he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. Which I understand completely. If the Velascos and Riveras are anything like my family, the need for privacy is paramount.

I heft myself off the couch and find myself alone. Grant must have wandered off in the middle of me texting, and the house is unusually silent. I make sure that the fireplace door is shut, grab a cup of apple cider, and then, as I’ve been taught by babysitting, wander through the house to locate all of my people.