The Good Widow(58)

“I know. I bawled. But I think I needed to,” I say, and look over at Nick, who’s sipping from a mug of coffee. He seems unusually quiet, but then again, when Beth and I are together, it’s hard to get a word in. “Thanks for loaning me one of your shirts, by the way.” I say, pulling at the cotton fabric. “I was soaked to the bone,” I add.

Beth smiles. “That’s Hawaii weather for you.”

I glance at Nick, who’s wearing a T-shirt with a guy flashing a shaka sign that he got from a shop across the street from the restaurant.

“So how are you doing?” Beth looks across me toward Nick.

He takes a breath before responding. “Well, I’m finally dry. So there’s that.” He smiles and takes a sip of his coffee.

Beth doesn’t respond, waiting for his real answer.

“It’s been hard, harder than I thought it would be.”

“Nick’s being modest—he’s been the strong one. My rock. I’ve been the hot mess.”

“Did Jacks tell you I didn’t want her to come here to Maui?” Beth asks. Apparently ready to jump right in.

Nick looks at me again. “She didn’t,” he says slowly. “But I get it. Getting on a plane to Hawaii with a complete stranger after her husband had just died. Seemed crazy, I’m sure.”

“To put it mildly.” Beth offers a tight smile.

“Is that why you’re here? To make sure I’m not a serial killer?” Nick laughs.

“Maybe.” She smirks and takes a sip of her beer, eyeing him.

“I don’t blame you! You’ve got to look out for your sister. But for what it’s worth, I’m not.”

“Did I mention Nick’s a firefighter? If anything, he’s been making sure I don’t get hurt.”

“Except for your little escapade in the ocean. I think maybe you fell asleep on the job that night, Nick,” Beth says, not unkindly. Beth’s words never spill menace. It may not be what you want to hear, but she always speaks the truth.

But she’s off the mark this time. A very small part of me had wanted to keep going into that ocean. To let the water envelop all my pain. And he had pulled me back to reality—literally and figuratively. “Hey,” I interject before Nick can answer. “That’s not fair. He saved me.”

“No, she’s right,” Nick says evenly. “I should have done a better job of keeping you safe—stopped you when you were running down the beach, before you went into the ocean. Especially after what you’d just discovered.”

“You’re not my bodyguard. And you are going through the exact same thing I am. You’d just heard the same terrible news,” I say, and look pointedly at Beth. “He’s not here on vacation, you know; he lost someone important to him too.” I’m surprised by my forcefulness. By how protective I feel toward Nick. But this thing we’re doing out here—it’s ours, and no one from the outside could possibly understand it.

Beth’s face relaxes slightly. “I don’t mean to be insensitive. And I’m truly sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine. It’s just that—”

“You want to protect your sister.” Nick finishes her sentence.

“Always,” she says.

“I get it. I do,” Nick says, and I can tell he’s sincere. “But for the record, I want to protect her too.” I notice his shoulders stiffen.

Beth nods, but I’m not sure she believes him. “It just seems like this trip has created more problems than it’s solved.”

“Maybe,” Nick says, but doesn’t elaborate.

“I feel like every time Jacks calls me, she’s in tears about some new piece of horrible information you guys have found out. Information that serves no purpose but to hurt her.”

“I never said it was going to be easy,” Nick says, a slight edge to his voice.

I jump in. “Beth, this decision was mine and only mine. And it’s been hard, but I was prepared for that.”

I can read Beth’s mind. But if Nick had never showed up on my doorstep, I wouldn’t be here dealing with all of this hard stuff. She blames him.

“I just don’t want you to get hurt any more,” she says to me, giving Nick a look.

“And neither do I,” he says.

I look at Nick. “Is that why you want to turn back? To protect me?”

“What do you mean?” Beth asks before he can answer.

“Well, Nick—we weren’t sure we should keep driving the road to Hana.”

“Really? What happened?”

“I had a freak-out while we were driving. After that storm came out of nowhere . . .” I think about his lips on mine, his hot breath, his hands in my hair. Obviously, I can’t tell her this part. Not right now, anyway.

“What?” Beth gives me a look.

“Nick suggested we go home.”

He hadn’t actually said those words, but I want to find out if that’s what he meant.

“It sounds like Nick and I finally agree on something,” Beth says, and looks at him for a reaction.

“I just didn’t want to push Jacks any more than I already had,” he says, and I feel my heart sink. I guess he’s ready to give up on the whole thing. “I’m worried about her.” He runs his finger around the rim of his mug. “When I convinced her to come here, it sounded like such a good idea. Like we could finally get the closure we’re both desperate for. But now,” he says, locking eyes with me for a split second, “now I think it will send us tumbling backward to see where they—”