The Friend Zone(75)

“I can’t have children.”

I forced it from myself before I lost the ability to do it.

It had the desired effect. He froze.

“What?” he breathed.

“I can’t have children. I have a condition. I’ll never have them.”

His hands dropped from my face. He stared at me with his mouth open, the color draining from his cheeks. “You can’t…what do you…what?”

I took a few steps backward, giving myself a head start. He didn’t move. He just stood there, shell shocked, gawking at me.

When he didn’t reach for me again, I turned and ran.





THIRTY-ONE





Josh




I got to the fire station early this morning. I had no hope of sleeping and needed the distraction.

Kristen never came home last night.

Fuck, I shouldn’t have let her run off. I was just so shocked. It felt like she’d handed me a bomb and it detonated in my face, pelting me with emotional shrapnel. My ears had literally started to ring after what she’d said, and she’d bolted and jumped into the car of some girl she’d met during trivia, and she was gone in an instant. It happened so fast.

I’d stayed up, waiting for her in her living room. Calling her cell phone, sending her text messages, begging her to come home and talk to me.

She sent me a text around midnight saying only that she was okay, she wasn’t coming back, and to please walk the dog.

Everything was finally clear. It all made sense. It was so obvious to me now I wondered how I couldn’t have known. The severe cramps, the spotting. Her history of anemia. The long periods.

The walls she put between us.

And all the fucked-up things I’ve said to her.

That I wouldn’t adopt. That I wanted a huge family. That I’d left Celeste because she didn’t want children.

Karaoke night suddenly looked totally different to me, the weeks after it where she’d gone cold—I’d told her that if Tyler didn’t want kids, she shouldn’t be with him. That the kid thing was too important.

I’d actually told her that shit.

I’d been talking Kristen out of dating me almost daily since the day I met her.

Fuck, if only I’d known.

I’d had all night to think about what it meant, and it didn’t change anything. I loved her. I couldn’t not be with her. That’s what it kept coming back to. I couldn’t walk away from her—I wasn’t even capable of it. The situation was fucked up and star-crossed, and I didn’t give a shit. She was the woman I loved, so we’d just have to deal with it.

I stood in the kitchen making my second pot of coffee. The guys were napping. The wedding was in eight days, and Brandon was off for three weeks. We had a new guy named Luke we’d borrowed from another station. I was spooning grounds into the machine when I heard her voice.

“Joshua…”

I spun around and had her in my arms in a heartbeat. “Kristen, oh God, thank you,” I breathed, kissing the side of her neck.

It was like a reprieve from a prison sentence, seeing her. I was stuck here for two days, two days that I wouldn’t be able to get to her, and she’d come to me.

But she didn’t hug me back. She put her hands to my chest and tried to make space between us. “Josh, I just came to talk to you, okay?”

I didn’t take my hands from her waist. Her face was puffy, like she’d been up all night crying. Deep circles under her eyes. I leaned in to kiss her and she turned from me.

“I need you to stand over there.” She nodded to the kitchen counter. “Please.”

If she left, I wouldn’t be able to go after her. I was on shift and couldn’t leave the station. I didn’t want to let her go, but I didn’t want her to run off again, so I stepped back.

She wore leggings and one of her off-the-shoulder shirts that I loved, and even though she looked tired, she was the most beautiful woman I’d even seen.

And she loves me.

I didn’t even know what I did to deserve her, but I knew I’d do anything to make up for the way I’d made her feel.

She took a deep breath. “I’m having a partial hysterectomy the week after the wedding,” she said flatly. “I have uterine fibroids. They’re tumors that grow on the walls of my uterus. Mine are imbedded. They can’t be surgically removed, and they didn’t respond to treatment. They cause heavy bleeding and cramping. And…and infertility.” She said the last word like she had to force it out.

She tucked her hair behind her ear and looked away from me, tears welling in her beautiful eyes. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. It was embarrassing for me. And I don’t need you to say anything. I just needed you to know why. Because it was never my intention to make you feel unwanted.” Her chin quivered and my heart broke. “I did want you, Josh.” She looked back at me. “I always have. You didn’t imagine anything.”

The admission that she’d wanted me made my heart reach for her. I took a step toward her, and she took a step back.

I put my hands up. “Kristen, nothing has changed. My feelings for you haven’t changed. I want you, no matter what. I’m so sorry—I didn’t know. When I said—”

She shook her head. “Josh, this isn’t open for discussion. I didn’t come here to tell you so you could decide whether you want to date me. That’s not even on the table. I just realized that for the last few weeks, I made you feel unloved. And I’m really sorry. I thought you…well, I didn’t know you had feelings for me. I thought only I…Anyway, that’s my fault. I should have never let that happen.”