The Friend Zone(74)

“You’re not running from me anymore,” he said. “You’re talking to me.”

He came out through the double doors into the parking lot, and he didn’t set me down until we were on the grassy divider by the street.

As soon as I got my feet under me, indignant rage bubbled over. “Don’t ever do that again. I’m not your fucking possession,” I hissed at him.

His eyes flashed. “No, you’re not my anything, are you? I’m allowed to touch you as long as I don’t act like it means something, right?”

The emotion on his face twisted my insides. Anguish and despair swirled in his eyes.

I turned back for the bar to escape that look, and his arms were around my shoulders in a second, locking my back against his chest.

His lips went to my ear. “I can see the way you feel about me when you don’t think anyone is looking. I fucking see it, Kristen.” His voice cracked. “I remember what you said to me that night in Vegas. I remember.”

All of the fight drained out of my body in an instant.

He breathed into my ear. “Why won’t you just let me love you?”

A sob burst from my mouth, and I went limp in his arms. He held me up, hugging me to himself, absorbing my surrender.

I turned in the circle of his embrace and buried my crying in his shirt. He put his face into my neck and held me so tightly I couldn’t breathe. But I didn’t want to breathe. I wanted to be his prisoner. I wanted to never escape.

Tears poured out of me. “I can’t, Josh.” I gasped into his chest. “You don’t know it all.”

“Then tell me,” he said. He pulled away from me and spoke to my eyes. “What is it? Because I know you want me. I know you’re acting. Just tell me why.”

How do you share something like that? How could I tell him that my body could never do the one thing he needed it to? I couldn’t. I couldn’t get the words out. I couldn’t bear to see my value drop in his eyes, see him realize I wasn’t actually what he wanted.

Less of a woman.

Damaged goods.

Barren.

Sterile.

I shook my head, biting my lips together. “Josh, you should just forget about me. Get serious with one of those other women you see. Have sex with them. Move on.”

He let out a puff of exasperation. “What other women? There are no other women. There never has been. Do you know what I’m doing when you think I’m on dates? I’m at home, alone, wishing I was with you. This is what you’ve made me into. I pretend to see other people because I know if I don’t, you won’t see me anymore. Why?”

“You…you haven’t been seeing anyone else?” I blinked at him.

“Of course not. I’m fucking in love with you.”

And like he couldn’t stand not to for one more second, he grabbed me and kissed me. His lips were pained and desperate, and I hopelessly kissed him back. I climbed him, combing my hands in his hair. I wished I could drown in him. I needed to extinguish the burning disappointment in my soul, and for a few seconds, I did.

And then I pushed him away.

He let me go and I staggered back in the grass, and he stood there, panting.

“Josh, I can’t see you anymore, okay? This is over.” I choked on the words.

I watched what I said hit him like a smack. “Why?”

I wiped my face with the back of my hand and blinked through the tears. “Because you’re obviously taking this way more seriously than you should be. I told you. I told you from day one that this would only ever be sex. I never lied to you.”

His jaw went rigid. “You’re lying to me right now. I know this isn’t what you want. You fucking love me, Kristen. Just stop—” He reached for me and I smacked his hand away.

He stood staring at me, confusion and hurt etched all over his handsome face. “Why aren’t I good enough? Is it because I don’t speak a dozen languages? I don’t have a fucking master’s degree? I don’t make enough money? What is it?”

It’s not you.

I let the tears run down my face, and I clutched at my facade. “You thought you could change me just like you thought you could change Celeste. You’re changing the rules, just like you did to her. Don’t put your shit on me, Josh. You said you could handle this. You said you could—”

“I’m not fucking crazy! Stop acting like I’m making this up!” He dragged his hands down his face and balled his fists over his eyes. He stood there, his breath coming out in gasps, and I wanted to run to him and dive into his arms. But I didn’t budge.

“We’re in love,” he said, blinking at me through tears. “We are. Why are you doing this?”

My bottom lip trembled. “Fine. So we’re in love. What do you want from me, Josh?”

He let out a shaky breath, and the relief transformed every inch of his body. His eyes softened into hope.

He closed the space between us and gathered my face in his hands. “I want what we had today, all the time. I want to be with you. I want to hold your hand on a walk and kiss you in a damn booth. I want you to answer my fucking calls and let me hug you. I want to make plans with you on New Year’s and my birthday and tell people you’re my girlfriend.” His eyes begged me. “Please, Kristen. Just…stop.”