The Friend Zone(40)

She rubbed my back, looking at a loss for what to do.

I put my forehead into my hand. “I hate my uterus so much. Sex makes me bleed. I’ve been spotting for two days. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, I had to tell him to ignore my swollen stomach. It was fucking humiliating.”

She looked sympathetic. “Well, what did he say?”

I scoffed. “Nothing. He didn’t give a shit. The dude was about to get laid. He probably wouldn’t even have noticed it, but I felt like I had to explain it anyway in case he did, and found himself wondering if he was boning a pregnant chick.”

The beginnings of tears tickled the back of my throat. I got up and went to the bathroom for a tissue. I blew my nose and flushed it down the toilet, and the toilet handle came off in my hand. I came out and held it up. Sloan rolled her eyes and got off the sofa.

Her house was a fixer-upper. Brandon was doing the repairs. He did a good job, but the place broke as fast as he could fix it.

She took the handle from me, and we stood there in the hallway, flanked by framed photos on the walls, having a silent exchange. We could practically read each other’s minds. She hated this was happening to me. She wished she could take it away, make it better. But she couldn’t, and she didn’t know how to even start.

“So what are you going to do about him?” she asked.

“I don’t know,” I whispered. “You know what’s so messed up?” My eyes started to sting. “He fits. Like, the first time I met you and we just clicked, you know? That’s Josh. He clicks. And I was okay with this until him. I was at peace with my decision. And now…”

The unfamiliar lump that accompanied tears swelled in my throat. That tightness that I so rarely experienced because I was seldom moved to cry.

“The universe is laughing at me, Sloan. As soon as I think this can’t get worse, it’s like, ‘Hold my beer.’ At every turn the kid thing keeps coming up, just in case I forget how much it matters to him. These constant little reminders that I don’t have what he needs.”

My mind went to Josh holding Stuntman in the towel. Then I thought of him holding a baby there instead. But it wouldn’t ever be mine. That wouldn’t be my husband giving our baby a bath in the kitchen sink. He’d only get that moment with someone else.

That did it. The sobbing burst out of me. Sloan had me in her arms in an instant.

I wasn’t an emotional person. In the course of our friendship, Sloan had only seen me cry once after a cramp-induced trip to the ER, and that was more from pain and frustration than despondency. This was a violent shift in our dynamic, the moment when Dad breaks down and wide-eyed Mom has to comfort him. Sloan’s maternal instincts kicked into crisis mode, and she clutched me to her, shushing me and whispering in my ear, the way my own mom would never do.

I’d borne the decision for this hysterectomy with stoic practicality. But I couldn’t do that with Josh. I just couldn’t. There was absolutely nothing practical about the way that man made me feel. I let myself just fucking cry. And it made me feel out of control and hopeless.

Someone knocked on the wall. We turned to the sound to see Brandon poking his head around the door into the hallway.

“Oh. Uh, sorry to interrupt. Josh is here. Is it cool if he stays for dinner?”

Josh came up behind Brandon, holding Stuntman. My dog was licking his cheek. “Hey, Sloan. Kristen.” His smile fell the second he saw my face.

I swiped at my tears, fled to the bathroom, and closed the door.





SEVENTEEN





Josh




The crying caught me by surprise. It never occurred to me she might be that upset about breaking up with Tyler. I just thought—

Stupid.

Of course she was upset. I don’t even know why I’d been confused about this. She’d dated him for two fucking years. He was supposed to move in with her, for God’s sake, and he’d reenlisted without talking to her and broke up with her in a damn voicemail.

Shit, no wonder she didn’t want anything serious with me. She was probably so messed up over Tyler she couldn’t even think straight. I was probably just some rebound thing for her.

Shawn was right. I was a dick in a jar.

I felt like an asshole, asking her to be exclusive. I’d thought we’d had something, for a moment. That maybe she was into me too. But now I felt like I’d imagined the whole thing. Misinterpreted every signal. I should have listened to what she was saying instead of trying to grasp at things that didn’t exist. She told me before any of this happened that I needed to be able to handle a sex-only situation, and this was clearly why.

And then I showed up here, the day after Tyler was supposed to come home, when it was probably really starting to hit her and she was trying to cry about it to her best friend.

I should just give her space. I should leave.

“I’m gonna go,” I said to Brandon, putting down Stuntman Mike.

I didn’t intend to intrude on her night. I didn’t know she was at Brandon’s until I pulled up and saw her car in the driveway. And if I was being honest, after seeing her with makeup on and her hair done when I’d gone to her house, I was relieved to know that her plans had been with Sloan and not some other guy. Especially after everything Shawn said.

But that wasn’t the only reason I was happy to see she was here—I was just happy to fucking see her.