The Fixed Trilogy: Fixed on You(44)

He shook his head. “It’s not like that. I explained the gift and I was looking at the club anyway. When I found out you worked there, yes, it helped me make my decision—”

I cut him off. “And you ‘hired’ me and seduced me. And when I told you I needed to not have sex with you, you somehow got me to do exactly that. You are manipulative. You’re a bully, Hudson.” I wrapped my arms around myself, hoping to stop the new onslaught of tears that threatened.

“No, Alayna. I didn’t want that with you.” The anguish in his tone set my tears into motion. He leaned forward and I sensed he wanted to touch me. Instead, he put his hand on the seat next to me, putting himself as close to me as I’d let him. “I don’t want to be like that with you.”

I swiped at the tears, unable to keep up with their pace. “Then what do you want to be with me, Hudson?”

“Honestly? I’m not sure.” He sat back against the seat. His expression confused, torn.

Suddenly, he looked much younger than I’d ever seen him. He no longer seemed the confident, commanding alpha male that I knew him to be, but like a group member in one of my therapy sessions, exposed and accessible.

He let out a brief laugh, as if he recognized his own vulnerability and it amused him or confounded him. “I’m drawn to you, Alayna. Not because I want to hurt you or make you feel a certain way, but because you’re beautiful and sexy and smart and, yes, a little crazy, maybe, but you’re not broken. And that makes me hopeful. For me.”


I let out a shaky breath. God help me, I wanted to reach out to him. I wanted to comfort him, knowing his words about me said more about himself than any he’d ever spoken.

I didn’t move, though, still not willing to break the moment. Even my tears had stilled, as if they’d interrupt.

“And maybe I’ve been a bully. But I’m a dominant person. I can try to change things about me, but the fundamentals of my personality are never going away.” His voice lowered further. “You of all people should be able to understand that.”

He had me earlier. Probably back when he’d insisted he didn’t want to be whatever with me, but for sure when he’d inferred he was broken, and that I was not. And if none of that had reached me, his last statement would have. I did understand him. More than I had ever thought possible. What it felt like to be a certain way and to loathe myself for it. How difficult it was to change and learn to accept the parts of me that were fundamentally never going to change. And what it did to me to believe I was incapable of falling in love the way normal people do.

I knew what it felt like to be that person.

“I’m sorry.” It came out as a choked whisper so I repeated it. “I’m sorry. You didn’t judge me and I judged you.”

He nodded once and I knew that was his way of accepting my apology.

“And I exaggerated when I called you a bully. I haven’t done anything I didn’t want to. And your whole confident, domineering thing is actually kinda hot.”

He almost smiled, but squeezed his eyes shut as if trying to reign in his emotions. When he opened them again, they were pleading. “Alayna, don’t quit. Don’t quit me.”

I looked away, knowing how easy it would be to give in if I kept staring into those gray eyes. “Hudson, I have to. Not because of this, well, not only because of this, but because of my past. I’m not well enough to be with someone who has his own issues.”

Truthfully, I didn’t know if I was well enough to be with anyone.

“You are, Alayna. You only tell that to yourself because you’re scared.”

That drew me to face him. “I should be scared. It’s not safe. For either of us. You should be scared, too.”

He let out a heavy breath. When he spoke again, he was resigned, as if he didn’t expect his words to make a difference yet he spoke them anyway. “I don’t believe that. I think spending time with another person who has similar compulsive tendencies can provide insight and healing.”

I leaned my head back against the seat and stared at the car’s ceiling. I wanted to believe like he did—that we could make each other better. But I couldn’t. All I’d witnessed and experienced in my life around addicts told me otherwise. Besides, if he’d wanted me around him to confide in and give some understanding, he should have told me his secrets from the beginning. And he hadn’t.

As much as it pained me, I had to break things off. I had to do the right thing once and for all.

But there were my own financial woes. As irrelevant as money might have seemed at the moment, being able to keep my job at the club had an enormous impact on my own mental well-being. “I won’t quit.” I turned to face him. “But I can’t have a relationship with you, Hudson.” My throat felt tight, but I kept on. “All I can give you is the fake. I have to protect myself here.” I should have ended all of it, but I didn’t have the strength for that. This had to enough.

Hudson’s shoulders lowered slightly. “I understand.” He nodded as if to reaffirm that he understood, making me suspect that he didn’t understand at all but was accepting my decision anyway. “Thank you.” He straightened, his poise returning, and I knew that he was back to his regular confident self.

I had one more thing to say, though. I leaned toward him, placing my hand firmly on his knee. “Hudson, you’re not broken.”