The First Mistake(29)

‘No,’ I state firmly.

‘Don’t make this about you and me,’ he says, wearily.

‘What are you talking about?’

‘That,’ he exclaims, pointing to the wine glass and the bottle standing beside it. ‘You’re drinking more than I’ve ever known you to.’

I don’t want to admit that it’s a problem – that it’s become a crutch I need to lean on.

‘You’ve got to keep things in perspective,’ says Nathan, ‘and drinking isn’t going to help. Don’t confuse whatever’s going on with it being about us – because we’re good.’

‘Are we?’ I ask, unable to keep the bitterness out of my voice.

‘Yes!’ he exclaims, as he comes towards me, pulling me in. ‘You’ve got a lot going on at the moment and you need to tackle everything one step at a time, otherwise it’ll feel too overwhelming.’

I wish I had his ability to compartmentalize everything, instead of having to live in the constant roar of noise as my brain battles to sort the wheat from the chaff.

‘Come on,’ he says, knowing me too well. ‘What’s causing the most grief inside that head of yours?’

I’m still struggling to prioritize it myself, and even if I could, I’m not sure I’d be able to express it.

‘Are you thinking about Japan?’ he asks.

I don’t want to say that it’s the least of my problems, so I nod instead.

‘Okay, well you know my views on it. I can only say it as I see it and I think it’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that we’d be crazy to miss. But, it’s ultimately your decision and I’ll stand by you whatever you decide.’

‘Will you?’ I ask, looking directly at him.

‘Yes, of course,’ he says. ‘Look, I can see why you’ve jumped to conclusions, but if I was having an affair, do you honestly think I would be so careless as to leave hotel bills and jewellery lying around?’

He attempts to laugh and I manage half a smile. He’s right. He’s an intelligent man who would have the art of subterfuge nailed if he wanted to. He wouldn’t allow an errant bouquet to turn up at the home of his wife instead of his mistress. Any indiscretions would be micro-managed, to within an inch of their lives.

‘I called the hotel in Tokyo and they confirmed that they’d given me the wrong bill. I only paid three hundred and twenty something dollars. You can check it against the company credit card if you like.’

I shake my head, but know I probably will.

‘And I have no idea where the earring came from. I can only assume it’s one of Sophia’s friends’, so no doubt we’ll get to the bottom of that in time. And the bouquet, well, I guess it just got sent to the wrong address.’

‘I called them,’ I say, watching him. ‘They confirmed that it’d been sent to the correct place and that the sender was Nathan Davies.’

‘What?! Are you serious? That’s what they said?’

I nod. ‘They confirmed that you sent them, and that Rachel was indeed the lucky recipient, supposedly.’

‘They actually said “Nathan Davies”?’

Did they? Or had I given them his name? I can’t remember.

‘This is crazy,’ he says, rubbing a hand through his hair. ‘If I had something to hide, believe me, I’d hide it.’

And he would. That’s the shred of hope I hang on to.

‘I guess all this is the reason that you’re nervous about the Japan deal?’

‘Well, it doesn’t exactly help,’ I say. ‘You’re asking me to take out a huge debt, for a project that I’m not even convinced you’ll be around to see the end of.’

‘I would never, ever, cheat on you,’ he says, taking hold of my hands.

I so want to believe him. His eyes look like they’re telling the truth. I could believe him if I could just allow myself to.

‘Why don’t you leave that?’ he says, his fingers trailing lightly down my back. ‘Come upstairs.’

‘I’ll come up when I’ve finished,’ I say, pulling away from him.

‘Okay, but don’t make me wait too long,’ he says, nuzzling my neck with feather-light kisses that threaten to make my knees buckle.

I could go up. I want to go up, but I’m afraid of making a fool of myself. If I give in, then I’m saying that I believe what he’s telling me. And what if I’m wrong? Will he wallow in his ingenuity? Lose respect for his wife? Laugh about it with his mistress? The incessant rattling in my brain grows louder and I pour myself another glass of wine in a bid to quieten it down.

My laptop is open on the dining room table and I wake up the screen with a swipe of my finger. Pixels of colour instantly burst into life as a photo of us all at Disneyland two years ago comes to the fore. From the outside, we look happy, like a normal family, enjoying everything that life has to offer. But if you look really closely and give it more than a cursory glance, you can see a pain in mine and Sophia’s eyes. It’s as though there’s a glaze; a transparent barrier that holds the world back at arm’s length. Too fearful of letting anything get too close, knowing that it can be snatched away the moment you let your guard down.

Against my better judgement, I open up Facebook and start trawling through the exaggerated lives of my ‘suggested friends’. Gina Fellowes, a friend of a friend I once knew, is currently at Manchester airport and looking forward to a ‘sick, no-holds barred’ hen weekend in Ibiza. Michelle Truman, the wife of my second cousin’s son, is ‘feeling blessed’ at her best friend’s granddaughter’s christening. I already feel worse than I did a few minutes ago.