The First Mistake(24)

It was a turning point for me. For the first time since losing Tom three months earlier, I wanted to be out there, living the life I still had to live. The sudden realization shocked me.

I didn’t think the man would ever know the part he played in breathing air into my deflated lungs. Not until he came through the day room and out onto the terrace, shielding his eyes as the low sun sliced across his vision.

‘If you take a seat here, I’ll just go and see if Mr Miller is up to seeing you,’ said Eileen, the only staff member who bent the visiting hour rules.

By the time she came back out to say Mr Miller was sleeping, the man in the suit and I were exchanging pleasantries.

‘Thanks, I’ll wait,’ he said to Eileen. ‘I’m Nathan, by the way,’ he said to me, extending his hand.

And that was it. We’d talked until the sun had gone down that day; about his life outside the hospital and mine on the inside. I can’t remember whether that was when he told me that he was going through a messy split, or whether that came later. It had felt like we talked about anything and everything. Poor Mr Miller didn’t ever get to see his visitor.

‘I think it was over by the time we met,’ I say, in answer to Beth’s question.

‘You think?’ she asks. ‘Wouldn’t you know whether your new boyfriend was still with someone?’

‘Well, our early days weren’t very clear cut. I wasn’t my normal self and wanted to take things slowly. He was working away a lot, which suited me at the time, but now, come to think of it, perhaps he was still tying up loose ends with her.’

‘So, he cheated on her with you?’

I’m taken aback at her accusatory tone. ‘No, it wasn’t like that. They’d split up – I’m sure they had.’

She raises her eyebrows. ‘It doesn’t make you seem like a great advocate for the sisterhood, does it?’

Didn’t it? I’d never thought of it in that way. Had I blatantly ignored the silent code of conduct in my desperation to feel wanted and needed?

‘No,’ I say, shaking my head, denying the implication. ‘He’s not that kind of man, at least . . . I didn’t think he was.’

‘Once a cheater, always a cheater, is all I’m saying. A leopard never changes its spots, it just creates a smokescreen for them.’

‘So, you think everything is pointing to him having an affair?’ I ask, though I already know the answer.

She grimaces. ‘There may be a perfectly understandable explanation, but . . .’

‘So, what should I do?’ I ask.

‘Just keep looking for clues,’ she says. ‘Check his phone, his emails, anything that might incriminate him.’

‘Isn’t that crossing a line?’

She looks at me aghast. ‘So, let me get this right. He gets to sleep with anyone he wants, yet you’re not even allowed to look at his phone? There’s something of a double standard going on here.’

I feel too foolish to even respond.

‘Just carry on with what you’re doing,’ she continues. ‘Check social media for any accounts that he might have set up. Keep an eye on the credit card bill. Find out whatever you can and when you’re sure of the facts, front him up with it.’

I nod.

‘What are you going to do if your worst fears are confirmed?’ she says.

My face crumples, but I refuse to cry. ‘My head says leave, but my heart . . .’

She puts her hand on mine. ‘You’ve got to think of the girls,’ she says.

‘That’s exactly the problem. They would be the only reason I’d stay.’

She looks at me, her brow furrowed.

‘I can’t let them down again,’ I say in answer. ‘Sophia has already lost one father, the fallout of which she’ll always blame me for in some way. I can’t be the reason for it happening again.’

‘You’re not the reason,’ she says, ‘he is.’ Her voice is loud and clipped and I put a finger to my lips to remind her of Olivia and Millie’s close proximity.

‘I will not be responsible for taking them away from their father,’ I say, my tone suddenly authoritative. ‘I will do everything in my power to make my marriage work before I allow him to walk away.’

‘Jeez,’ she says, puffing out her cheeks. ‘You’re a more forgiving woman than I’d ever be.’

‘Do you want a drink?’ I ask.

‘I’ll have a coffee if you’re making one.’

‘I was thinking of something stronger.’

‘It’s only three thirty,’ she says, looking at her watch. ‘What time is Nathan likely to be back?’

‘Probably any time now.’

‘I’d better get going then,’ she says. ‘It’s not going to take a rocket scientist to work out what’s going on if he walks into this.’

‘Thanks for coming over,’ I say, hugging her at the door.

‘I’m here if you need me,’ she says, before dragging a reluctant Millie down the path.

They bump into Sophia on the pavement and say a cheery hello and goodbye. ‘You look like crap,’ she says when she reaches me. ‘What’s up?’

If that’s her way of showing she cares, I’ll take it right now.