The First Mistake(13)

‘I wouldn’t worry about it,’ she’d slurred. ‘There’s no way Nathan would ever cheat. I mean, just look at you for God’s sake. He’d be out of his mind.’

I’d looked down at my slim legs, encased in tight dark denim jeans, and brushed imaginary crumbs from my cleavage, as it descended into the plunging neckline of a white T-shirt. I try my best to stay in shape, but my willpower isn’t always what it should be. God must be a man, as no woman would be so cruel as to make chocolate, biscuits and crisps taste so darn good.

‘So, I’ve made a decision,’ says Beth, bringing me back to the here and now.

‘Oh,’ I murmur.

‘I’m going to find him,’ she says, abruptly.

‘Why?’ I ask. ‘You’ve done fine without him up until now, what’s changed?’

‘Because now it’s about Millie,’ she says. ‘I always knew this day would come – I was just hoping that it wouldn’t be any time soon. But I promised myself that as soon as she started asking about him, started realizing that she was different to other kids, I’d tell her about him.’

‘But she’s still young. Won’t it all be a bit much for her to take in and understand at the moment? There’s plenty of time for her to find him if she wants to.’

‘It wasn’t the right time before,’ she says, ‘but I feel it is now.’

I look at her, square in the eyes. ‘For you or for Millie?’

She bristles. ‘For Millie of course.’

‘You need to think very carefully about the impact of this on her. Once you open the can, the worms are going to keep coming out. You need to be ready and prepared for that.’

‘I am,’ she says confidently.

‘So, what are you going to say to her when she asks why her daddy left? When she discovers that he didn’t even stay long enough to meet her.’

Beth’s face is clouding over, her fury and frustration close to the surface.

‘I’m sorry if I sound harsh,’ I say, my hand on hers, ‘but I’m just playing devil’s advocate. I want to make sure you know what you might be letting yourself in for.’

She smiles ruefully. ‘I grew up without a father, and there isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t miss him and wonder what could have been. No child should have to endure that.’

I only have to picture Sophia’s face, on the days when she’s missing Tom even more than usual, to get a sense of the sadness that she carries with her everywhere she goes. My eyes fall to the table, for fear that I might sob at the injustice that they’ve both suffered. If I could take away Beth’s pain I would. But as I can’t, the next best thing I can do is support her in her mission.

‘Why don’t we see if we can find him first?’ I say.

‘We?’ she repeats, her eyes wide.

‘I’ll do all that I can to help you,’ I promise. ‘But there’s nothing to be gained from talking to Millie at this point. If you tell her you’re looking, and he doesn’t want to be found, it’ll only lead to more heartache.’

She mulls it over. ‘Mmm, you’re probably right. I’ll have a tentative look around, see if I can find any trails that might lead in his direction.’

‘And if I can do anything to help, just let me know.’

‘I might hold you to that.’ She laughs.

As usual, we bicker over the bill, but as much as I genuinely want to pay for her, I’m aware that there’s a very fine line between being generous and being patronizing. I only agree to go halves if she promises to let me pay next time.

‘So, when will you know about the Japanese project?’ she says as we reach her car.

‘Monday, hopefully,’ I say, crossing my fingers. ‘Just as soon as they exchange contracts.’

‘I’ll be keeping everything crossed for you,’ she says.

‘Thanks for listening,’ I say, leaning in to give her a kiss on the cheek. ‘I’m sure everything will work out for the best.’

She hugs me tightly and I feel like I might cry. ‘Good luck,’ she says. ‘Keep me posted.’

‘Good luck to you too,’ I say, and we both know what I mean.





6


‘So, how’s it going to work?’ Lottie asks forthrightly, as we sit in our team meeting the following morning. ‘When we’re so far away from the site.’

‘Okay,’ says Nathan, looking to me for the go-ahead to reveal what we’d discussed. I give a small nod. ‘Well, once we’re properly up and running, we’re thinking Alice will stay here, overseeing the project from the UK. And I’ll be over there, making sure everything is received and in good order.’

‘So, you’re not going over there at all?’ Lottie says incredulously, looking at me.

I stay focused on the random sketches on my pad. They say a lot can be determined about a person from their doodles and I wonder what conclusion would be drawn from the cubes and stars that are scattered across the paper in front of me.

‘No, Alice will be based here,’ says Nathan. ‘But that does mean I’m going to need some help on the ground in Japan. Lottie, maybe that would be something you’d consider doing.’