The First Mistake(11)

I hear everything he’s saying and when he puts it like that, it sounds perfectly plausible, but I can’t leave the girls and fly halfway around the world. I simply can’t.

‘I’d love to, but . . .’ I start.

‘I was hoping this deal might change things,’ he says gently. ‘That it might give you the confidence to go, as you’ll be so busy concentrating on the project that you won’t have time to miss the girls.’

I feel my hackles rising and pull away from him. ‘I don’t not go away because I’ll miss the girls, Nathan. Jesus, I thought you understood.’

‘I do, but it’s been almost ten years now, Al. If you’re not careful, you’ll go through your entire life without stepping outside of the home counties.’

‘Don’t make it sound like I’m some kind of hermit,’ I say, my voice rising. ‘We’ve been to France and Ireland.’

‘Yes, with the girls,’ he says bluntly.

‘And you and I went to Scotland . . .’

‘That was our honeymoon,’ he says. ‘We could go anywhere in the world – we’ve got the money, and, with a little planning, we’ve got the time. I really thought Japan would be a new start.’

‘Is that why you pitched for it?’ I snap. ‘To put me under pressure? Why would you do that to me?’

‘You’re being ridiculous,’ he says. ‘I know what AT Designs means to you and I did it because I thought you’d want to do it. Period. This isn’t about me, Alice. This is about you, living the life you should be living.’

‘Well, I’m perfectly happy as I am,’ I shout as I go into our bathroom and slam the door.





5


‘You’re not going to let him get away with that, are you?’ asks Beth, aghast, as we have dinner the following night.

I twirl spaghetti absently on my fork and feel surprisingly emotional. I suppose it’s because up until now I’d convinced myself that what David did was no big deal, but Beth’s reaction proves to me that it was.

‘Have you told Nathan?’

I shake my head. ‘I didn’t know whether to or not. I might have done if we hadn’t had a row.’

She grimaces, and I already regret saying anything. But she’s one of the few friends I have who has nothing to do with AT Designs and no connection to Nathan. In fact, she still hasn’t met him, and part of me wonders if I’ve kept them apart, albeit subliminally, so that I can say how I feel without being judged, or running the risk of it getting back to him.

‘What did you row about?’ she asks.

I instinctively look around the tables closest to us, checking for anyone I know. Not that they’d be able to hear us over the din of the birthday party that is thankfully beginning to peter out. There is only so much of ‘Zac’ and his excitable friends that one can be expected to endure, especially on the rare occasion that you’re child-free yourself.

‘Just the same old stuff,’ I say dismissively.

She leans forward. ‘Like what?’

‘About me going away,’ I say. ‘It’s the only thing we ever row about, and every time I try to explain myself, I think he understands, only for it to rear its ugly head again a few months later.’

She screws her face up in confusion. ‘Where are you going?’

‘I’m not, that’s the whole point.’ I no longer want to have this conversation, as I’m sure that once she hears my side, she’ll think I’m just as mad as Nathan does.

‘I’m not with you,’ she says, half laughing. ‘It’s you not going away that’s causing the problem?’

I nod. ‘He wants me to go to Japan, if we get this big job that we’re pitching for, but I’ve not been away without the girls since . . .’

My voice breaks, and she leans across to put her hand on mine.

‘It’s a weird and complicated thing, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. Every time I think about it, I’m paralysed by fear.’

‘That’s understandable,’ she says soothingly. ‘Losing Tom like that was such a huge shock – I don’t imagine anything will ever be quite the same in your world again. What is it that panics you the most? The idea of something happening to them while you’re away? Or the possibility of something happening to you?’

‘Them. Me. Both.’ I shake my head. ‘I don’t know.’ I feel tears welling up in my eyes and bat them away. ‘Sorry, it’s just . . .’

‘You don’t need to apologize, Alice,’ she says.

‘I just don’t feel comfortable leaving them,’ I say. ‘Tom walked out the door one day and he never came back. I wasn’t with him when he died and I’ll never forgive myself for not being able to save him. If we’d been together, he’d still be here, and that’s what constantly goes around in my head whenever I’m away from the girls. How can I save them if I’m not with them? It takes all my strength to drop them off at school each day. But Nathan doesn’t get it. He thinks I should be embracing the opportunity to go away, and now there’s a chance of us getting this job, it just feels as if I’ll be under even more pressure.’

‘Do you want the job?’ she asks.