The Falling (Brightest Stars, #1)(47)

She’d say things like “I was young once, too, you know.” That was my cue to say, “Oh, but you’re still young,” and, “You’re so pretty.” But I wasn’t going there. I wouldn’t have given her what she wanted even if it had been true. Then she’d tell me that everything was going to be okay, that what I was going through was tough, but she understood how I was feeling. That bothered me the most. How could she possibly understand what I was feeling when she didn’t know me, and I didn’t know myself?

And there I was again, sitting on my dad’s porch, not really knowing what I was feeling. I wanted to get closer to Kael, but I felt stung by his silence. I wanted to ask him to join me on the swing, but I felt too timid. I wanted . . . whatever it was I wanted, I wasn’t getting it, so I had sulked off like a little kid.

I was kicking my feet a bit and starting to move the swing when the front door creaked open and Kael stepped out onto the porch. He leaned against the railing, watching me with glassy eyes. He looked older, somehow. I wasn’t sure if I liked it.

The streetlight hummed as it cast a dim glow over my dad’s yard. I could make out cars, trees, houses—but only the outlines. I wasn’t sure if this was because it was getting dark or because I was pretty buzzed. I didn’t particularly care. It had been a while since I had had anything to drink other than a little wine and I felt this hazy glow. Actually, I felt pretty damn good.

Rocking gently back and forth, I was aware that my breathing was syncing to the rhythm of the swing, and that made it easier to pretend that I hadn’t noticed Kael. No way was I going to be the first one to say something. I kept my mouth shut and my thoughts to myself. God, this guy was tough to figure out.

Maybe it was the way he was with me—observing, nonjudgmental. That was rare. So often you could feel people sizing you up, trying to figure you out. Who are you and what do you have that I want? Not Kael. He just noticed. I liked that. But it didn’t seem fair, somehow. He knew a lot about me, and I hardly knew anything about him. The things I did know I could count on one hand. Almost reflexively, that’s what I did.

One: he was charming in that strong, silent way.

Two: he had this almost magnetic draw that attracted people to him.

Three: he made you want to know what he thought of you. (Or was that just me?)

Four: he was insanely attractive.

Five: his family lived in Riverdale, and he knew what Twilight was.

Maybe I could get to ten, but I liked the drama of one hand.

Everything about Kael seemed so complex, yet uncomplicated at the same time. He hadn’t said much to me while we were inside, other than to ask if I wanted a slice of pizza, but he had clearly followed me out. So why was he standing there with that force field around him, shifting his weight from one foot to the other and looking at me as if words were a burden too heavy to carry? I started to say something to break the tension, but stopped myself just in time. No way was I going to make this easy on him. I’d give him a taste of his own medicine and see how he liked it.

The sky was darkening now, filling with the most gorgeous stars. I knew everyone thought they were magical, diamonds hung aloft in the sky and all that, but even though I found them beautiful, I mostly found them sad. Stars seemed so fierce and bright, but by the time they got to us, they were dying, almost gone. And the biggest stars? They burned the fastest, as if their intense radiance was too much for them to hold on to. Damn. There I was getting sappy. I always thought of how fragile things were when I drank. I could move from beauty to despair in the blink of an eye. Or the twinkle of a star. As I said, damn.

“Can I sit with you?” Kael finally asked. Had he seen the shadow cross my face?

I nodded yes and moved over to make some room.

“This is the swing?” he asked.

I nodded again. I still had a dose or two of his own medicine to give him. Not really. I was just trying to stay cool. If I was going to second-guess myself, I might as well be cool about it.

“She didn’t take it with her?” he asked into the night air.

I jerked my head, looking at his face. “What?”

“When she . . .” He could see that he had struck a nerve, but he couldn’t exactly backtrack.

I blinked. He was referring to my mom, of course. Despite his reserved nature, he sure liked to ask questions that packed a punch.

“Left?” I finished for him. “No, she didn’t take anything.”

Not even us.

Not even me.

I didn’t really feel like talking about my mom, but I was happy he asked—happy that he had remembered the swing. He was a good listener; I’d give him that. We sat with nothing but the stars between us for a while, which was fine by me. All I wanted was to sit next to Kael, to know he was there. In that moment, it was enough.

The peace didn’t last long, though.

“Oh, man, you wiped out!”

“No, hey, Austin—watch!”

“Dude! You are crazy. I mean, what the fuck!”

It was just a lame video game, but it had put Kael on high alert. It was hard not to notice how hyperaware he was of his surroundings. I couldn’t imagine how tough that must be, to never be able to relax. It must be exhausting. He turned to say something but was interrupted by wild shouts from inside the house.

“You got him, man. Killed him with one shot!”