The Ex Files (Ocean View #1)(66)

It killed me.

Maya is the closest to a perfect match I could find. She’s sweet, quiet, loves family. Wants to build her own as soon as possible. She’s looking for someone to spend her days with, someone to grow old with. Her music tastes align with Luke, her values and her hobbies—her father is even a mechanic, so there’s something extra to talk about.

Eventually, I need to recognize this will be hard, and Luke needs and deserves to be matched. This is a perfect start.

“Cassie…” Gabi’s words are quiet, and the low warning has me reluctantly looking up at her to meet her eyes.

In them is shock and concern.

“Email her, Gab.”

“Cassie, what—”

“He’s been approved for matches, and Maya is a great fit. Please reach out and see if she’s interested. Send her his profile.” My voice cracks on the last words, an ache there from crying all night in my living room tells me a few words more and I’ll melt down. I nearly had to pry my swollen eyes apart when I woke this morning. But I did it. I got up, got dressed, moved on.

If this is how bad it hurts after only three weeks, it’s a good enough reason to end things now. If we went further? If I gave him more of me, let him have even more of a hold on me, and something happened?

Well, I see why my mom never recovered.

“Cassie. This is—”

“Email her, Gabi!” I shout, scaring her and making her jolt back a bit. But it’s too late; I’m too far gone. The tears are coming, breaking in great sobs from my chest as I bend forward and press my face into my hands.

Why is this happening?

“Oh my God, Cassie!” I hear her voice, but the real shock comes from her hands on me as she turns me in my desk chair to where she’s squatting in front of me. “Cassie, what is going on?”

“I fucked up. I fucked up so bad,” My tears are coming in huge, earth-shattering sobs, and I can barely breathe through them. Then Gabi is in front of me, hugging my sobbing form into her much smaller body and letting me weep there, quietly shushing me and brushing my hair back like I’m a child and she’s the soothing mother.

“What happened, Cass?” she asks when my tears become manageable, sniffs and cries.

“Oh, Gabi. I fucked up so bad. I shouldn’t have… Why did I?”

“You gotta use sentences, honey. Why did you do what?”

“Why did I fall for him?” My eyes meet hers finally, and through the watery wall of tears, I can see her understanding, her pity.

“Did you?”

“I don’t know!” I shout, throwing my hands into the air and leaning back in my chair. “God, how am I supposed to know!? My family was as dysfunctional as they come. I vowed... When I was 18, I vowed I’d never fall for a man, always keep myself safe. But somehow… it was safe this way, you know? Meet men, vet them. Never get close enough to fall. Never fall for them. Two dates only. But he asked for three….”

“Would it have made a difference?” Her words are clear, but I still don’t hear them, or at least don’t understand them.

“What?”

“Would it have made a difference? If you’d stopped at two, if you’d gone to four. Would you be any less of a mess right now?” I know the answer, but I don’t need to give it to her. She knows too. “That’s what I thought. What happened?”

“The dates ended.” I’m exhausted from my crying jag.

“And?”

“And I told him I’d keep in touch. For a date.”

“Oh, Cassie…”

“I have to.”

“Have to what?” Confusion masks her pretty face now.

“Have to set him up. He deserves that. Deserves love and affection and forever. You should have seen his family, Gab. So cute. Perfect. All of them deep in love. He wants that. The perfect marriage, the uncomplicated relationship. I’m… a mess. I’ll second guess things forever.” She sighs a deep sigh.

“Look. I don’t… I don’t want to step out of line. You’re my boss. And I love this job.”

“You’re good. Nothing you say now reflects your work. We’re… friends, Gabi.” I remember Luke reminding me how I’ve opened up to people other than him. Because of him.

“Since that night… tire night… Since then, you’ve been… happier. More open. I mean, look at us. We’re friends now. I always thought you were cool, a good boss, but a little…” she pauses, probably because she’s afraid to say it.

“Cold.” The words come out quickly, like somewhere deep inside myself, I knew.

“I was going to say professional.” She smiles.

“Bullshit.” A small, halfhearted laugh breaks from me.

“Whatever. But since then… Cassie, it’s not just him. We’re friends. We talk. I told you about being a…” Her voice goes lower. “A virgin, for God’s sake.” I laugh, and it feels foreign in my chest, like the sorrow I’m feeling is taking up too much space for there to be joy and laughter. “Seriously. Maybe… it was all meant to be. Maybe you need to open yourself up.”

“I don’t want to get broken.”

“Aren’t you broken right now?” The words ring out, echoing in my mind. Aren’t you now? Aren’t you now? Aren’t. You. Now? I stare at her for long moments, long, painful moments. Moments where I think of Luke taking me to trivia night, Luke holding Bella and laughing with his sister. Luke, who wants a family, who wants a wife, who wants all the beautiful things the words can offer. Luke, who deserves all of those things.