The Distance Between Us(64)

I squeeze her hand. “We’ll make up the time when you’re all better. So stop playing sick already. If you wanted your parents back you could’ve done something less dramatic.”

She smiles. “So I’m not going to die.”

“I love you, Mom.”

“I love you, too, kid.”

Sean and Vivian had already talked to my mom so I take the elevator downstairs to join them in the waiting room. When I round the corner I see they aren’t alone. I recognize the back of Xander immediately, if by nothing else than his extremely good posture. If Vivian didn’t look at me when I came in, I could’ve backed out without him seeing me, but her look makes him turn. My heart stammers in my chest. I back out anyway and walk toward the front of the hospital and out into the cold day. The leafless trees that line the parking lot look black against the white sky.

“Caymen,” he calls. “Wait. Please.”

I stop on a patch of yellowing grass and face him. “What?”

“I almost forgot how insecure your stare can make a person.”

I wait for him to explain why he’s here.

“Okay. I guess I have the floor.” He takes a deep breath. “This is me facing failure. This is me putting everything on the line even though I know I might lose. And I’m terrified.”

I swallow hard, fighting the instinct I have to comfort him.

“But like you said, anything worth having is worth the risk.” He looks at the grass then back up again, almost like he prepared a speech and this is the start of it. “I’m so sorry. That night. The night of the benefit. I was stupid. I didn’t know you didn’t know your grandparents. And then what Robert said . . .”

“Robert?” The memory of Robert that night hits my mind with a jolt. I had forgotten about him in all the other things that had happened. “I didn’t . . . Mason and I were never together. . . .”

“I know. Skye explained. It caught me off-guard, and I thought that’s why you were running away. Because you were guilty. But Robert is a jerk. I don’t know why I believed him for a second. I should have run after you to make sure you were okay. We were okay.”

It’s true. Robert is a jerk.

He looks down at his hands then uses them to rake his fingers through his hair, looking less composed than I’ve ever seen him look. “I understand you were in shock about seeing grandparents you’ve never seen before, but why haven’t you returned any of my calls?”

“You were dating me because I’m rich.”

“What?”

“And you can deny it all you want, but we’ll never know one way or the other whether it’s true or not. Because you can’t unknow it.”

“I found out less than a month ago about your grandparents. My grandmother told me. I didn’t know at first.”

“You can’t unknow it,” I say again.

“But . . .” He wrinkles his nose and then looks up in frustration at the sky.

“But what?”

“Don’t hate me for saying this, but . . . you’re not rich. I’ve seen how you live, and when I found out about your grandparents I thought that maybe your mom wanted to make sure you saw how the other half lives or whatever to give you perspective. But when I realized you didn’t even know your grandparents, when I found out you were seeing them for the first time at the benefit, then I knew you didn’t have money. Caymen. You are poor. And I still like you. A lot.”

I let out a laugh and he smiles. The way he’s inching forward, I can tell he’s ready to put this behind us. But I’m not quite ready. I still have questions. “But your cousin. She talked about the Cinderella complex and you didn’t even say a word.”

“My cousin is a spoiled brat and I have learned it’s best not to argue with her. But you’re right. I did a lot of things wrong that night. I should’ve stood up for my brother’s date. And you. I should’ve punched Robert so hard that he’d never want to say my name again, let alone use it to get him further ahead. I shouldn’t have let you leave. I should’ve driven you home. I should’ve screwed the benefit.”

“Don’t screw benefits.”

He stops suddenly, becoming very still. I’m confused. I was sure he was coming to some sort of powerful conclusion that I really want him to make. Something that’ll make me say, “It’s okay. Love conquers all.” But instead he offers me his lower-lip-biting smile and I almost rush into his arms. For the first time since I walked away from him the other night my heart feels whole.

“Why are you smiling like you’ve won or something?”

“Because you were just sarcastic with me. ‘Don’t screw benefits,’ you said. You’re sarcastic when you’re in a good mood. And if you’re in a good mood then you must not be too incredibly angry with me.”

“You and my mom. You think you have my patterns of sarcasm down, huh?”

“Yes.”

“I’m sarcastic all the time, Xander, good mood or not, so there’s no need to draw up a chart or anything.”

He gives an airy laugh. “Do you know how much I’ve missed you?”

I close my eyes and draw in a deep breath. There it is. The line that makes me want to forgive him. “How did you know I was here? How did you find out about my mom?” I hold my breath. The answer to this question seems so important to me. Did he decide to come find me after he found out about my mom or before? I so need the answer to be “before.”