The Direction of the Wind: A Novel(90)

He nods slowly and considers her words. Addiction and mental health issues are not discussed openly in their community. Certainly, their upper-caste Ahmedabad circle would consider them taboo. If his parents knew the true story of her parents, especially of Nita, then they would surely call off the engagement. It is best not to marry into such problems when there are so many young women from other families that do not have such scandals—or at least none that are known to the public. Sophie now believes that, like her family, the others in their community must also harbor many secrets. When it comes to protecting a family’s reputation, people will stop at nothing, and hers had been no exception. Her eyes are open now in a way they had never been before.

Kiran shifts his body, drawing Sophie’s gaze back to meet his. “Do you feel like you have the same tendencies as your mummy did?”

Sophie recoils. “I could never do the things she did.” And this is true, but addiction comes in many forms beyond drugs and alcohol and leaves similar wreckage in its wake. “I don’t know everything about her mental state, and it is something I will seek to learn more about, but I suspect that her addiction was rooted in her unhappiness with the life she was given. It strikes me that she sought to change herself by changing her location or her circumstance. But I believe happiness comes from within.”

Kiran hasn’t flinched at anything she’s said so far, so she feels emboldened to continue.

“I’m not unhappy with the life I have been given. I have learned so much more about how privileged I am compared to so many in this country—in this world! I grieve the loss of my parents, as any child would do, but Papa built me a happy life in a place where I have always felt safe. My mummy may have been born in the wrong time or body or place, because she seems to have always longed for something different. I hope that in her next life, she has found the peace she never had in this one.”

Kiran says, “I hope that for her too. To have malcontent is a large burden for anyone. And I thank you for sharing such difficult things with me.”

She holds her breath as she awaits his answer. She thinks Kiran would make a good husband and partner for her and is now afraid that her burden is too much for him to accept. But she steels herself, because even if it is, she will survive. She has gone through the great hardship of losing her papa and mummy, so she can endure the loss of Kiran if she must, but she does not regret telling him the truth of her family. She is more worried about the toll secrets and lies would take on them.

He clears his throat. “I am sorry for what your mummy went through. I wish her story had turned out better . . . for both of you. But the past is written. You have shared more with me about yours than any other woman I’ve met has or likely ever would in this situation of securing a marriage, when everyone is trying to present themselves and their families as perfect. But we all know that no person and no family is without flaws. I do think I’d still like to build my family with you. If we can speak as openly in our future as we are right now, then I think we can find a happiness that works for us.”

He gives her a shy smile, and she feels like he really is giving her as much permission to decide as she is giving him. It feels so different from the way her friends spoke about their engagements or husbands, always making clear that they had less input in matters compared to the men. Kiran seems to be offering her something different from the life she had expected she’d have, and she believes in that life as much as she’s starting to believe in him.

“I’d like to build this next phase of my life with you too,” she says, returning his shy smile with her own. “So, we will put the engagement back on?” Sophie asks. “Our families will be so happy.”

“I never thought the engagement was off,” he says. “My family never told anyone anything different. Now it’s just up to them to find the next auspicious date.”

The conversation has been less businesslike than their first and made Sophie feel as if they, rather than their families, were making the choice.

“We’re lucky, I think,” she says. “We’ve gotten to know each other better than most of our friends and relatives were able to do before their own marriages.”

“Yes, I suppose we have. Hopefully that means we will have a better marriage than some of them. That was one of the things I craved from my years in England: a marriage to a partner that was more than a parental decision to join two families. I knew I could never date and have a truly Western experience, but I wanted to know more about my wife than her biodata notes before agreeing to marry.”

The look on his face conveys the sentiment she now feels: all families are dysfunctional in their own way but still find a way to love each other somehow. Marriage isn’t meant to be perfect, like in the movies she saw as a child. It’s complicated and messy and often a gamble. For Nita, it hadn’t paid off in the end. Sophie hopes she will fare better. The one difference between her and Nita is that Nita still had her own family to fall back on if the marriage failed. Sophie is on her own, but then again, maybe not having a safety net is what will ensure that her marriage succeeds.

“I know we are not married yet, but I have one request of my new husband,” Sophie says. “And it is an unconventional one.”

Kiran raises an eyebrow.

“I’d like to live here. In this house.” She looks around her, a memory evoked from each place her eyes land.