The Direction of the Wind: A Novel(69)

Sophie swallows the lump in her throat that has formed while Dao has shattered her images of Nita. Sophie rolls the name “Mathieu” around on her tongue and can almost taste its bitterness. With a name, she can now conjure up a whole persona and life story of this villain she’s been concocting in her mind. Still, she gestures for Dao to continue. The truth, however hard, is the only way she can move forward.

Dao inhales sharply. “The saddest part was that she had finally decided to leave him and go back to India and get away from all that madness with him. It had seemed real that time. Not like the ones before, which were halfhearted in their delivery. It really seemed like she had turned a corner and was going to beat the addiction this time around. She knew it was the best thing for her and Vijay, and if they could just get on that plane—”

“Who’s Vijay?” Sophie cannot stop herself from interrupting.

Dao’s eyebrows raise. “Nita’s son.”

Sophie’s eyes widen. Son? Son?! She has a brother?!





44


NITA


1999


To solidify her decision, she’d been rather deft at dodging Simon after sharing the news with Mathieu. If he suggested meeting Simon and ?lise, she would say she wasn’t feeling well and wanted to rest because of the baby. It was her free pass to avoid anything, and Mathieu always obliged and would let her stay home while he went out.

So, when she exited their apartment building one morning and found Simon leaning against the wall waiting for her, she was not surprised. He had a navy scarf tied around his neck, and his face was tinged red, as though he had been standing in the cold for some time. Even though it was late April, the frigid winter had not yet relented.

“You’ve been avoiding me,” he said, his voice even but his eyes showing his concern.

“I have,” she said, staring at the ground.

“Is it because it’s mine?”

She whipped her head to meet his eyes. “It’s not.”

“How do you know?”

She hoped the baby was Simon’s. She hoped it with every fiber of her being. He was a good man, far better than Mathieu, and she could admit that to herself now even if she couldn’t have before. A child with Simon’s heart had a much better chance in life than one with Mathieu’s. Yet she had made her choice, and she was locked into it now.

“I just do.”

He took a step closer to her. “But we didn’t use—”

“Simon, it’s not. And thank the gods. How could we ever explain that to Mathieu or ?lise?”

He looked hurt. “So right after we were together, you jumped back into bed with him?”

She let out a slow breath. “Isn’t that what you did with ?lise?” she said, her tone not accusatory but matter of fact.

“I would break up with her and raise this baby with you if it’s mine.”

And she knew he would. That’s why she hoped the life growing inside of her was half of this man standing before her. A man so good that he made up for her bad.

She smiled appreciatively. “Fortunately, none of us have to do that.”

Softly, he said, “I would break up with her and take care of you and the child even if it’s not mine.”

Nita could not fathom how a person like Simon could exist. So kind and resolute in his goodness. She had to believe that it was something he had been born with. Something she had not. Something she hoped the baby would have inside of it.

She put her hand against his cheek, wishing she could agree to his generous offer and change her story. If only he had the power to do that. But she worried more that she’d change his. That she’d drag him down to where she was and he would lose himself trying to save her.

“Mathieu would never allow that,” she said. “And it would not be a good life for you either. Simon, you should be free to pursue every dream you have in life. Go make beautiful art and beautiful babies with a woman who is less complicated.”

His face fell, the resolve seeping out of his expression. He thrust his hands into his pockets, seemingly disappointed by their conversation but accepting her decision. He motioned for them to walk down the street in the direction she had been heading when she first exited. “Mathieu seems very excited,” he said.

“He’s been talking about a child for a while and was hoping I would come around. It seems the decision was made for us.”

“You didn’t want to be a mom?”

“I didn’t know.”

“And now?”

“As I said, the decision has been made.”

“I think you would make a great mom.”

He had no idea how wrong he was, but she said, “Thank you.”

“Has Mathieu cleaned up his act?”

She shrugged. “He’s being very attentive.”

“I meant has he stopped with the drugs?”

Nita paused. It hadn’t been like before, where he would get high and stay in bed for days on end, but after she learned about his secret stash of pills, he became more comfortable pulling them out, and she hadn’t been able to resist the urge to join him. The feeling of floating away for even a short while was euphoric. She knew all too well the sleepless nights filled with noisy crying and dirty diapers that awaited them, only this time there would be no servants to help her with the child-rearing. She’d convinced herself that if she didn’t indulge too often, it would be fine, tucking away the voices in her head that knew she was harming her baby and the ones even deeper within her that said it wouldn’t be a bad thing to lose the baby and keep it from entering such an unstable life, but she couldn’t share any of this with Simon.