The Direction of the Wind: A Novel(65)

Sophie inhales sharply. “Cecile said you might have known my mother.”

Sophie watches for that flicker of recognition again, but Dao is stoic for a few moments, processing what Sophie has just said.

Then, she says, “I think I did. But I didn’t know she had a daughter.” She looks intently at Sophie. “You are the spitting image of her. When you first came in, I thought I was seeing a ghost.” She shakes her head, her mind seemingly now in the past.

Sophie’s pulse quickens. “Do you know where I can find her?” Her voice is laced with hope and desperation. This woman is the one who is going to lead her to Nita. She feels it in her bones.

Dao’s eyes widen at the question. She stares at Sophie a few moments longer, as if caught in the headlights of oncoming traffic. The wine bar is bustling, and the background noise becomes deafening while Sophie waits for an answer. Finally, Dao motions to a server. A blonde, petite woman in her thirties approaches, and Dao asks her to cover the bar for a bit.

To Sophie she says, “Let’s talk in the back.”





42


NITA


1999


The next day, Nita met Dao in a café along Rue de Rivoli for some tea. Dao had reached out several times this past month to catch up with Nita, but Nita had been avoiding her. Dao’s disapproval of Mathieu was not well hidden, but these were desperate times, and Nita needed a woman’s advice.

“How is your family doing?” Nita asked her while they both blew on the steaming mugs of black tea in front of them. They hadn’t seen each other since Dao had returned from London over a month ago.

“Dysfunctional as always. Upset that I’m not doing more with my life. Not living up to the weight of their sacrifices, blah blah blah. But they’re family, so you have to love them no matter what, right?”

“Right.” Nita took a deep breath, trying to push the thoughts of her own family aside.

“I take it you’re still shacking up with our favorite Frenchie?” Dao studied Nita’s face through her heavily lined eyes.

Nita had not told her about Mathieu’s cheating or her affair with Simon. By the time Dao had returned from London, things were back to the status quo, so there didn’t seem much point in poisoning her mind about Mathieu any further. Or in having Dao think as little of Nita as Nita currently thought of herself.

“Yes, still in the same apartment.” Nita put her mug on its saucer. She traced the outside of the saucer with her finger, trying to figure out what to tell her friend.

Dao, who could easily fill silence with chatter, was being unusually quiet.

Nita knew she needed to just say the words, so she leaned over and touched her friend’s arm. “I’m pregnant.”

Dao’s eyes did not leave Nita’s face as she put down her mug as well. “You’re sure? You went to a doctor and everything?”

“I haven’t been to a doctor, but I’m sure.”

She was sure because she’d been pregnant before. She knew the subtle shifts in her body that only she would notice: the tenderness of her nipples, which became irritated from wearing her bra; the light-headedness she felt after climbing the stairs to their apartment; the loss of appetite followed by an intense craving for spicy or sweet. Pregnancy was an unmistakable feeling, and she just knew.

“You can’t be sure until you see a doctor. For all we know, you could be suffering from stress or indigestion or whatever. We’ve got to take you to a doctor.”

“Dao, a doctor will tell me what I already know. It won’t fix this. I told you because I need a friend to help me through this.”

Nita could see Dao processing and holding back words that were desperate to leap from her lips. In Dao’s expression, Nita saw that she understood that this was bigger than their usual unfiltered conversations.

“You haven’t told Mathieu, have you?”

Nita shook her head.

“But you will?”

Nita nodded. “I must.” To herself she added, Or maybe I should be telling Simon.

Dao’s next sentence came out very measured. “He, uh, seems like he will, er, be a good father, right?”

Nita laughed at the lack of confidence in her friend’s statement. “I know he wants to be a father, so maybe that is enough.”

“Do you want to be a mother?”

Nita thought about her life leading up to now and answered in the most honest way she could. “I didn’t grow up dreaming of being a wife and mother.”

Dao leaned toward her and said softly, “Well, then maybe you should consider other options. You don’t have to be a mother.”

Nita would be lying if she said she hadn’t thought about it. In some ways, it would be best for everyone, probably even the baby. But another part of her knew she couldn’t. When she was pregnant with Sophie, it had been through obligation. She had known she was meant to have Rajiv’s children, but it wasn’t her dream, and she hadn’t relished the task. But when she held Sophie in her arms and smelled her skin for the first time and felt the soft wisps of hair, something had changed in her. As she watched her start to grow up, Nita had grown to love her in her own way. Her time away from Sophie had taught her how much she loved that child and how much sacrifice was required to be a parent. Even though Nita had been a far from ideal mother, she couldn’t imagine a world without Sophie in it, which was why she couldn’t give up this child.