The Chemistry of Love(102)

When I got to his condo, the door was shut. I knocked on it and prayed that he would answer. That I wasn’t too late. My heart was in my throat, pounding so hard that it was hard to hear. I couldn’t tell if he was inside or not.

Relief flooded through me when the door opened and there he was. He had changed into comfortable clothes, and I saw a suitcase behind him in his hallway. I loved him so much that my heart ached from it, and again I thought of how everything that mattered to me was riding on this moment.

“What are you doing here?” he asked.

Be brave. I took a big breath. “I need to talk to you.” I hesitated when he didn’t let me in. My voice broke slightly. “Please.”

His face looked weary but concerned. He nodded and stepped aside, closing the door behind me. He walked into the living room, and I thought of all the times we’d spent here together. All the fun we’d had. Why had it taken me so long to figure all of this out?

Marco sat on the couch, but I was too fidgety to sit still. I stayed standing. I’d built this up so much, had so much encouragement, had made my resolution over and over again, but now that I was here, I found it nearly impossible.

“Why did you leave? Today?” I asked.

He looked down at his hands. “I realized what a terrible person I was being.”

That was about the last thing I’d expected him to say.

“I saw the way they were all ready to play games with your life. Ready to ruin your dreams. All I could think of was how I’d been willing to do the same thing. How I was willing to use you to impress my father. For a job.”

“Your father and brother trying to steal my lipstick is not even close to you trying to date somebody down-to-earth to impress your dad.”

“I’m still ashamed.”

This made me sit next to him. Why was that such a big deal to him? We’d been in it together. I remembered how he said he was afraid of ending up like his dad. “You’re not like Ken.”

Marco swallowed hard. “I took those first steps. Trying to break up Craig’s relationship, being willing to use you for that.”

“I was fully aware of what I was doing. You didn’t trick me or use me.” I was too afraid to touch him, but I still wanted to reassure him. “I’m the one who should be apologizing to you.”

He looked surprised. “For what?”

“Do you remember when I told you that I wanted Craig more than almost anything?”

“Painstakingly.”

I took that as an encouraging sign. “That wasn’t true. I don’t love him. I never did.”

Whatever I was expecting, it wasn’t Marco folding his arms across his chest and sitting back. Closed off. “You put on a pretty believable show.”

This he believed? “He’s not the person I thought he was. I’ve known for a while that I didn’t have feelings for him. You know that I’m a terrible liar. You’ve always been able to see through me, even when I was lying to myself. And to you.”

Marco said nothing. My mouth went dry, and my heart beat so hard, I was afraid it was going to give out completely. Some animal part of my brain urged me to run, but this was my chance to tell him everything. I would put my cards on the table and be honest with him. The way I should have been a long time ago.

So I kept talking. “I should have told you. But I was afraid.”

“Of what?”

“Of not seeing you again. Of you ending our deal because I’d broken our rule.”

The silence was overwhelming. But then he finally asked softly, “What rule, Anna?” even though I felt like he knew.

There was hope there. I heard it, even though part of me wanted to deny it. Even now. I had to stop letting my insecurities rule me. I couldn’t let fear make decisions for me.

This was it. I could do this. The words rushed out of my mouth. “The one where I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with you.”

His arms relaxed, and he looked stunned. Still hesitant, still distrusting, but willing to listen. “Slower, and with more specific words.”

He hadn’t run away screaming. I took that as a good sign. My adrenaline still spiked with that ever-present fear, that worry of what he might do. But I had to say it. “I love you, Marco. I have for a long time. And I understand if you don’t feel the same way. I also know that you have a hard time trusting people. That nearly everyone you care about lets you down. But this is real. I love you, and I’m always going to love you.”

He stayed silent, and I could see the emotions flitting across his face, one after the other.

“When I shattered that bowl, remember how you said it would be easy to match me, that I was mendable, even though I’d been broken. But the thing is, I think we’re both broken and that we can mend each other. Our pieces fit together, and we’ll make something whole. Something beautiful. I love you, and if you don’t feel the same, that’s fine.” No, now was the time for total honesty. “I take that back. It wouldn’t be fine. I don’t just love you. I want a life with you. A company, pets, kids, the whole thing.”

There. I’d put myself out there as much as possible, and now it was going to be up to him.

The ball was in his court.

“You love me?”

“Yes, I love you. Infuriating, charming, wonderful, intelligent, kind you.” I took another deep breath. This was the bit I needed an answer to. “Do you think you could ever feel the same way about me?”