The Certainty of Violet & Luke(35)

He chucks his jeans at me and they hit me in the face. I playfully throw them back at him, but he ducks and I end up missing him and knock over an empty soda can on the dresser. He laughs while I flip him the middle finger.

‘I’m more muscly because I’ve been taking care of myself and working out more with Kayden,’ he says and as if proving his point that he is indeed taking better care of himself, he picks up his case that carries his stuff for his diabetes to check his blood sugar level.

‘I know you have been.’ I collect a pen from the bed and lie back down on my stomach, trying not to think about how easy this conversation is. How simple. It’s been so long. ‘It’s good that are.’

After pricking his finger, he wanders to the dresser to get some clean clothes, but pauses and turns to look at me. ‘You should come with me sometime.’

My gaze flicks up from one of my literature papers. ‘To the gym?’ When he nods, I snort a laugh. ‘Yeah, that’s not going to happen. I’m not athletic. At all.’

He grabs a pair of pajama bottoms from the dresser and then flops down on the bed with me. ‘You don’t have to be athletic … Callie comes with Kayden a lot.’

‘Good for Callie.’ I flip the page of my textbook. ‘If I went to the gym, I wouldn’t even know what to do with myself.’

‘It would get you out of the house.’ He slides my books out of the way so he can scoot closer to me then slips his fingers through mine, causing me to drop my pen. ‘I worry about you … you haven’t really left the house since … Well, since you went to the station a couple of weeks ago, nor have you talked about it … and I’m worried.’

‘You’ve said that twice,’ I say then give a heavy sigh. ‘And it’s hard when there’s a mob always waiting around for me.’

He rotates onto his side and combs his fingers through my hair around his finger, gazing off with great contemplation. ‘You can’t let them control your life. And besides, I’ll punch them in the face if they come too close.’ The corners of his lips tease upward.

But I frown. ‘No punching anyone in the face. I don’t need you going to jail.’

‘Please just come with me.’

Clearly this is important to him, although I don’t know why. And if I’m being true to myself about trying to get my acted together, heal all my brokenness besides the bones, I need to start attempting to make up to him for everything I’ve been taking lately. ‘If I go, I’m just going to sit there.’

‘You can do whatever you want.’ He inches closer and his body heat engulfs me and puts me into this temporary state of high where I swear to God I’m floating. ‘Although there is a kickboxing area. Seems like something right up your alley. You could take out your anger aggression on it.’

‘Anger aggression? ‘I narrow my eyes at him, but it’s more playful than annoyed. ‘Are you saying I have anger problems?’

‘Maybe … I mean, you have every right to be angry, but I think it would be good for you to try finding a healthy outlet.’ He glances down at my cast then I catch his gaze flicking to the other wrist where there’s a mark on my flesh hidden beneath a leather bracelet; a mark I put there when I cut my own skin hoping that maybe if I made myself bleed, my emotions would bleed out with the blood.

There’s also a questioning in his eyes, and I get what he wants to know – needs to know.

‘I haven’t done anything since that day.’ I fidget with the leather band self-consciously. ‘I’ve been trying not to.’ But it’s been a rollercoaster of difficultness. Up and down. That’s what I’ve felt like every second of every hour of every day.

‘I know you have,’ he says. ‘I just want you to find something that might help, so maybe won’t have to do it anymore … so maybe it won’t be so hard not to try.’

It’s crazy how much he gets it and how much I want to stop for him and kind of for myself. But if I’m being honest, I can’t picture my life without my reckless behavior and that makes me wonder how long I can go on like this. It’s been so long that it doesn’t even feel possible; even though I never want to have that helpless feeling I had in the water again. And I don’t for one second believe that going to the gym is going to help get rid of my problem, but he’s looking at me with hope in his eyes, so I agree.

‘Fine, I’ll go.’ I force a smile.