The Butler(60)

    “It’s an antiquated lifestyle, Joachim, from another century. I grew up in a house like that. It doesn’t exist anymore, and it probably shouldn’t. You can’t give up your life for a job, or your employer. It sounds like she did it for a magazine, not even a family.”

“She did it for the same reason I did. So she wouldn’t get hurt. Her magazine must have been a place to hide from having a life. Her mother was a married man’s mistress, and it sounds like he destroyed her life and she let him. He was Olivia’s father and she never knew it. Her mother never told her until after he died. She’s been hurt, so she protects herself, and doesn’t trust anyone.

“I’m no different. I was hurt by Javier, and the father who abandoned us, and even the grandfather who hurt you so badly and I never knew. It’s all connected, and it leaves some of us unwilling to risk our hearts. Olivia is like that too. It created a kind of unspoken bond between us. We are similarly flawed, and we respect or even admire each other. She’s a very smart, honorable, intelligent, kind woman. So, we became friends, no more than that. We feel safe with each other. But now the risks are too great. The price to pay would be too high if she got hurt, or you did. So, it’s time to move away from each other again. Olivia and I never attached, or allowed ourselves to, so there’s no torn flesh, no bleeding wounds. That’s the advantage of never getting too close,” he said in a tone that was almost bitter. “So, it becomes just a job, which is what I told her. And the friendship was a perk of the job, so that’s over too.” He said it matter-of-factly, as his mother watched him closely.

    “The friendship was not a ‘perk of the job.’ It was a gift to both of you, and maybe the only form of love that either of you can tolerate. For the moment, at any rate. You’re both wounded people, but that doesn’t mean you will never attach to anyone, to her or someone else. I was wounded too when I met Francois. I did everything I could to discourage him and chase him away. He persisted for two years and refused to listen to me. He was my soul mate and he became the love of my life. Don’t cheat yourself of that one day, when it comes along. Don’t be a coward, Joachim.

“The reasons you list for being friends with her are the same reasons why people marry, and in many cases they marry for far less than that. You trust and admire each other. It’s a wonderful foundation for a friendship and could grow to be more one day. And you can’t just cancel the friendship when you leave the job, like a membership to a club or a library. You are scarred by your losses. So am I. So are we all. Francois loved me anyway, and I learned to love again. You are marked by your losses, and wounded, and losing Javier now is just one more loss for both of us. But you are not irreparably damaged. Don’t hide behind that. I don’t know this woman, but seen through your eyes, she appears to be a good person. Don’t run away too far, or too harshly, or you’ll regret it one day. It is never a good thing to leave people unkindly or even cruelly.”

He felt guilty now because he knew he had been unkind to Olivia, maybe even cruel when he told her it was just a job to him, which wasn’t true. But what else could he say? What point was there to staying linked to each other in some way when he had to leave now, and their lives were headed in opposite directions? All he was for her now was a danger, and a handicap. He disagreed with his mother on one thing. He knew that he was damaged, but he believed he was irreparably so. And perhaps Olivia was too. He was not willing to take the risk of caring about anyone, or no more than he had with Olivia. He hadn’t wanted more than that and he was convinced that she didn’t either, despite his mother’s romantic notions. Whatever he had said to her, it was too late to fix it now. Olivia had become another casualty, part of the rubble left in the wake of his twisted, misguided, evil brother. And Joachim was convinced that no matter what the reason for their friendship, Olivia would be better off now without him. It was the last and only gift he could give her, to remove himself entirely from her life, no matter how he had to do it.



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    His parting from his mother was bittersweet and painful. He made her breakfast before she left for work, fighting bravely not to cry after she hugged and kissed him. He tidied up the apartment for a last time after she left and made it neat as a pin for her. He laughed softly after he did it, realizing that it would annoy her and she would claim that he had made something disappear or misplaced it.

He had the strange sensation as he was doing it that Javier was going to appear at any moment. It seemed inconceivable to him that his twin was finally gone forever, and nowhere on the planet. He kept expecting the doorbell to ring, or the intercom to buzz from downstairs, or a frantic pounding on the door, and Javier would be standing there, desperate, angry, broken, still rebellious, perhaps injured and bleeding, as he had been the last time Joachim had seen him. He wondered if he should have looked at his bullet-riddled body at the morgue to make sure he was dead but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He couldn’t have borne it. It would have been one blow too many. But if he had, maybe he would believe his twin was dead now. He still didn’t. Some part of him was still linked to Javier and always would be. Perhaps the tie that bound them even transcended death, which would be a terrible life sentence for Joachim. He could even imagine opening the door to Javier, and having him shoot him, or stab him, which was why he wanted to put distance between himself and their mother. If his associates believed that Javier was still alive, and they injured Joachim instead, he wanted his mother nowhere near that. The only way to protect her was to remove himself, since he was what would attract them. It was a curse now to be an identical twin. Maybe it always was, and he just hadn’t seen it.