The Butler(56)

    “I don’t know how you can call this fair,” she said angrily to Joachim. “What am I supposed to do?”

“It’s not fair to any of us. I have no choice. Call the agency. They’ll send you someone else,” he said. It only made her madder.

“People like you don’t stand on every street corner waiting for a job.” She’d never had another employee like him. It wasn’t just about his training, which was really not adapted to his job with her anyway. It was about his common sense, his dedication, his fine mind, his ability to solve problems and make everything work, to fit the puzzle together in just the right way, and work endless hours in the process, making everything easier for her. It was about how much he cared. She knew she’d never find that again. He loved his job with her. He didn’t want to give it up either, but he knew he had to, and all thanks to Javier. He had won in the end, and Joachim was the loser, and so was Olivia, and his mother. It infuriated Olivia as she sat looking at Joachim. “And what are you going to do for a job?”

    “What I was doing until I met you. There aren’t many butler jobs these days, as you know, but I’ll try to find one. Maybe for another Russian who wants to look important to his friends. I can make anything work if I have to.” He had with her. He was flexible and could adjust to any situation, and he was willing to.

He had no personal life he cared about, so he could do whatever he wanted. There was no one dependent on him to complain about the compromises he made. But he didn’t live entirely in a vacuum. He knew that his mother would be deeply affected by his leaving. And now Olivia would be too. But in the end, it was just a job for him and Olivia, and he reminded himself of it now. They’d been working together for a few months, and it had always been temporary. He hadn’t intended to stay. That had only changed recently, when she asked him to stay on. But she wasn’t even sure if she was going back to New York to get a job there, after she finished the chateau. Nothing had been sure, and both their lives were up in the air. They were equally unattached and independent, and very similar in that way. The similarities between them were coincidental, but they understood each other because of them.

“You’re running away, Joachim,” she said in a low voice. She was angry at him and it showed. “You’re scared.”

“Yes, I am,” he admitted freely. He was an honest man, and never tried to hide his flaws. “I have to run away. And I have a right to be scared, for you, and for myself. You’re going to be better off without me. You’ll see that one day.”

“Don’t make it sound so noble. You’re leaving me in the lurch and you know it. Can’t you at least wait till I find someone else? That would be the decent thing to do, even if this is just a job to you. And I thought we had become friends.” She looked hurt as well as angry, which went straight to his heart, but he had to put a shield up to protect himself from her too, and he already had. He had spent the past few days bracing himself for what he had to do, even if it meant hurting her. He was willing to hurt her, if it meant saving her life.

    “And what if they find me before that?” he said, angry too. “And yes, we’re friends, as much as the job will allow. We both have the same fears. We’ve both spent our lifetimes avoiding deep attachments, you know that as well as I do. Being attached to anyone is dangerous. You’ve seen it in your life, and I’ve seen it in mine, and now here it is again, only this time the danger is real. You need to remember that now. You don’t know me. We don’t own each other. In the end, Olivia, even if we were friends for a while, I’m an employee, and this is just a job, for both of us.” That hit her like a slap in the face. He wanted to tell her to toughen up, but he didn’t dare. “Don’t forget how strong you are,” he reminded her, for her own sake.

“I guess I forgot that for a minute,” she said and stood up. “You’re right. We’re both strong and we’ll find our way, and it’s just a job.” She smiled coldly at him and he knew she didn’t mean it. He had hurt her, and he knew it, but he had to in order to let her go, and make her let go of him. He couldn’t allow her to have a hold on him. It would be too dangerous for them both. “I hope you find a job you like in England. They’ll be lucky to have you.”

“Thank you,” he said politely. “And I hope you find the right person for the job.”

“I’ll send you a reference, if you want one,” she offered, decent to the end, and gracious. But he didn’t need one from her. His reference from the Cheshires, and the length of time he’d worked for the family, would get him any job he wanted. His few months with her was just a sidebar and wouldn’t carry much weight.

    “Good luck, Joachim. Stay safe,” she said, and held out a hand for him to shake, which he did, looking her in the eye with everything he couldn’t say.

They had both respected the boundaries between them right to the end, and she was glad they had. He was right about them, because of all the things that had happened to them, neither of them was able to attach, in their personal lives or their professional ones. She hadn’t spoken to her past employees at the magazine in months, except for Claire. They had gone on with their lives, and so had she, and drifted apart, no matter how close they appeared to be while working together. And now it was true of him too.