The Break(84)

“Not her fault?” Gabe asks. Elena’s glare is boring into me. She hates me so much. And I realize in that moment that some of it is likely her baggage—her own husband cheating. Humans seem to be both complex and so very simple in how they think: If it happened with her nanny, why shouldn’t all husbands be vulnerable to it?

I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. I think back to how stupid I was when I first met Gabe, when I felt that insane crush. Thank God I never tried to get him to do something; thank God I never became the cliché Elena thinks I am. “Look,” I say, and now I scan both of their faces, trying to get them to see what I do. “None of this is working,” I say, gesturing around the whole apartment. “This charade.”

“Did you say any of this to Rowan today?” Gabe asks, his body suddenly rigid, shoulders tight and arched forward like he’s ready to pounce on me.

“What? No,” I say. God, I wish I hadn’t had anything to drink tonight. I put a hand on my head and shut my eyes. When I open them, I still feel a little mixed up. “I’m just trying to say that someone needs to tell Rowan about Gray,” I say.

“Keep your voice down,” Gabe snarls.

I open my mouth. Tears prick my eyes.

“You’re out of your depth,” Elena snaps, and there it is: she’s cut right to the truth. But even though I know she’s right, I can’t help but push, for Rowan’s sake.

“But she has to remember, and if someone could just take her through it in a safe space—” I say.

Gabe steps toward me. It scares the crap out of me and I jump back, which seems to startle him. He freezes.

“I could watch Lila,” I say to him, tears hot on my face. “If you wanted me to, I could watch her and you could be with Rowan when you tell her—”

Elena laughs. She actually laughs. “We don’t need you to watch Lila,” she says, like I’m a stupid little girl.

“Why?” I spit. “Because they have you? Do you think you’re even helping Rowan when you’re here, holding Lila and crying all the time?”

Elena recoils like she’s been slapped. I bite my lip, not believing what I’ve said.

“Mom, you need to go,” Gabe says. “I’d like to talk to June. Alone.” He takes her long camel coat from the rack and holds it out to her. She slides into it, regaining only some of her composure. “Come in, June,” Gabe says. Elena shakes her head furiously, her shoulders set as she walks out into the hall. I step into the apartment and she doesn’t turn back to look at either of us, and then Gabe shuts and bolts the door.

He turns to me. “June,” he says. “What are you doing?”

“I’m sorry,” I say. “For what I said to your mom.”

He waves his hand. “Not that,” he says, his voice hushed. “What’s all this about wanting to tell Rowan about Gray? You can’t do that, you know that, right?” He’s looking at me like the wild card I maybe am. “You could derail everything,” he says. “Do you understand that? Do you have any idea how terrified I am all the time? It takes everything I have to conceal my panic from Rowan. I walk around this apartment out of my mind with worry that I’m going to lose my wife to the dark corners of her mind. This isn’t the first time she’s been in a bad place, June, but it’s by far the most terrifying. Do you have any idea what the past few weeks have been like for me? I lost my son.” His hand goes into his hair, and he stares hard at me. I can’t seem to say anything at all. He rakes his fingers back and forth, tugging his hair straight up, and then he growls, “And you come in here acting like you know best, and hey: maybe you’re right and maybe Sylvie’s wrong. But I’m doing what the professional tells me to do. And if you’re not on board, then get out.”

I try to swallow down the alcohol that’s burning its way up my throat.

“Okay,” I say. “I get it.”

He gives me a curt nod. “Okay,” he says. And then he looks at his watch. “I have to wake Rowan and Lila for a feed in a few minutes. I need you to go. And I need you not to tell Rowan you ever came here, or that we ever had a conversation like this.”

“I understand. And I’m sorry, and . . .”

“You don’t have to be sorry,” Gabe says. “You’ve helped us, June. You’ve been here for us when almost no one else could be. We will never forget that, do you understand me?”

It’s the best thing anyone has said to me in a long time. “I understand,” I say.

He nods. Then he takes a step to the front door and unbolts it. He swings it open and I do something I don’t realize I’m going to—I wrap my arms around him in a tight hug. He hugs me back, his muscles softening just a hair. “Thank you, June,” he whispers into my ear. “For everything.”

I step into the hallway with tears blurring my eyes for the thousandth time today. The door crunches shut behind me, and I imagine Gabe inside his apartment, going to Rowan. I imagine her sleepily waking up, not knowing where she is at first, maybe still dreaming of babies like she told me she always does. I imagine her coming to in the dark room, looking down at Lila, so grateful her little girl is okay, so glad her little girl is hers.

I stand there, letting the tears come, thinking I’m alone.