The Break(82)

The bar is dim, with candles lining the tables, and even though I feel awful about today, I’m grateful to be here with Kai, a real friend. “Things were good between us,” I say to her. I’ve only had three drinks but already my words are slushy. “I think he was just surprised.”

Kai rolls her eyes. “Don’t make excuses for him,” she says. “He’s intense. Too intense.”

“You’re intense,” I say teasingly, reaching forward to gently tug the long woven necklace she’s wearing. “You know you are.”

“I am intense,” she says, taking a sip of her drink. “But at least I use my powers for good.”

“You use your powers to get what you want,” I say.



“Maybe you’re right,” she says, pushing a lock of long bangs over the shaved part of her head and behind her ear. “I do seem to get what I want . . .”

I laugh, but she doesn’t. We chatter around the edges of things for a while, and I can’t stop thinking about Rowan. The more we drink, the more I want to go to Rowan’s apartment and see her.

“One more?” Kai asks, and I know I shouldn’t have another drink, but I do. “You need someone your own age,” Kai says. “Older guys are just so desperate.”

“Really?” I ask. “Because you have so much experience with older guys?”

Kai smiles. “For your information, I’m extremely observant. Our entire world at work is older guys.”

“True,” I say, sipping my gin and tonic. I ordered it because once Rowan told me it was her favorite drink before she was pregnant, and she couldn’t believe I’d lived this long without trying one. And now that I’m drinking it, I realize it’s completely disgusting. But it was nine dollars, so I suck it down anyway.

“Easy tiger,” Kai says as I gulp.

Somehow, instead of the drink quieting me and melting away my stress, it makes me itchy to go see Rowan and tell her about Gray, to somehow make her okay again. The idea of it thrums inside me as Kai prattles on about her girlfriend, Angie, who keeps texting and asking where she is. “I should call her back,” she says, her brow furrowing. She dials Angie and says into the phone, “I’m out with June.” But then she looks nervous like she’s made a mistake. “June and her boyfriend just broke up,” she says slowly and clearly, like she’s trying not to sound drunk. I don’t think Kai would ever have referred to Harrison as my boyfriend, but I think she’s trying to convince Angie that I’m not a threat.

They get off the phone and Kai says to me, “I think things with her are over.”



“I’m sorry,” I say, giving her hand a squeeze.

“She’s so possessive,” Kai says, which strikes me as ironic because I usually think of Kai as the possessive one, with her friendships and her girlfriend.

“Let’s get some fresh air,” I say instead.

“Too cold for that,” she says.

“Okay, North Carolina girl,” I tease. “It’s gorgeous out.”

“You’re nuts,” she says as we pay our tab and grab our coats. Outside on the street she slips her arm through mine. “Are you gonna be okay, June?” she asks. I can feel her eyes on my face, trying to figure out what I’m thinking.

“Yeah,” I say. “I’m gonna be okay.”

“Hey,” she says, brightening as we stand there on the corner of Perry and Washington. “You wanna split a cab?”

I shake my head. “I’m gonna walk for a while,” I say. “I need the fresh air.”

“You sure?” she asks, frowning. I nod, and we hug on the corner. She hails a taxi, and I remind her I’m going to my parents and won’t see her until next week.

“I can’t believe you’re getting a full week off,” Kai says as she folds like an accordion into the taxi. “You sure you don’t want to split a ride home?” she asks, eyebrows narrowing.

I shake my head and we wave goodbye. I walk south on Washington Street toward Gabe and Rowan’s apartment. If I could just see Rowan once more, and really convince her that she has nothing to be sorry for, that none of this is her fault. My head is swirling from the alcohol, but I can see the scene crystal clear: I could just give Rowan, Gabe, and Lila one last goodbye before I go on my trip upstate.

A few sidewalk slabs later my phone rings. I shouldn’t answer it because I’ve already let the battery run down so low, but it’s Sean and I know he’ll worry if I don’t.

“Hey,” I say. “What’s up? I thought you were with Michalis.”



Michalis is Sean’s programmer friend who’s been avoiding him, but Sean pestered him enough to go talk things through tonight.

He doesn’t answer me about Michalis. Instead, he asks, “You all right? You sound drunk.”

“Yeah,” I say. “I am. But I’m fine. I’m coming home, I just have to stop at Rowan’s place.”

“Is that really a good idea?” he asks.

“I forgot something there,” I lie.

“Okay,” he says. “I’m still out, I could come meet you.”

“I’m fine, Sean, I—” I start to say, but then my phone officially dies. Crap—now he’ll definitely worry. I shiver when I think of this one time when Sean was waiting for me outside Gabe and Rowan’s apartment after I finished babysitting. It was eleven p.m., and I can’t even imagine how long he must have been standing there, because I’d been working since seven and he didn’t know when I’d be off. He’s done something like that twice now: the time he came to that theater in Brooklyn after my audition, and then the babysitting night. But I reamed him such a new one when I saw him standing outside Gabe and Rowan’s that he never did it again.