The Betrothed (The Betrothed #1)(48)

Twenty-Two




AFTER THE ISOLTEN COURT LEFT, I found it nearly impossible not to look into the eyes of every child I passed, curious about their families, their futures.

Funny enough, it was the boys who always stood a little closer to their parents, either looking apprehensive or standing tall as if they were on guard. Most of the girls did as Delia Grace and I had done: find a friend to hold close, take in the excitement together, and wait to see what adventures life at court brought for you.

That was how it always felt when we twirled around each other on the dance floor or paraded around the palace on the holy days; it was a marvelous adventure. And I had pitied those girls in the country, the ones out working the land owned by our families, who would never know the feeling of satin or be lifted off their feet in the middle of a volta. After the shock of being given the queen’s apartments wore off, I’d felt untouchable, like I’d finally proven wrong everyone who’d ever doubted me, showing my worth to the world as it was measured by the love of a king.

I had it all.

And yet, when Jameson placed a ring on my finger and a crown on my head, I knew it would feel as if I’d lost everything.

“My lady?” a concerned voice asked. I looked up to find Lord Eastoffe and his entire family crossing down the hallway toward the Great Hall. I realized I’d stopped to study a family as a father pointed out a beautiful arch in the castle ceiling. I shook my head, blushing as I stepped out of the way. “Are you troubled?”

“No,” I lied, trying to keep my eyes from settling on Silas too long. “I suppose after all the excitement of the recent company, I’m just a little low.”

He smiled. “In my younger years, I experienced that feeling more than once,” he commented, sharing a knowing look with his wife.

Lady Eastoffe looked at me warmly. There was something about her that made me want to rush into her arms. She’d fled her country presumably for the sake of her children. If I told her mine would be used as pawns in state affairs, she’d understand my pain. “Don’t worry, my Lady Hollis,” she said. “Crowning Day is on the horizon, yes? Scarlet’s eager to come and practice the dance soon. So there are still celebrations to look forward to.”

I forced a smile and nodded. “Thank you, my lady. There is a lot of preparation for Crowning Day yet to do. I will send word soon, Scarlet. I think some dancing would do us all good.”

Between Scarlet’s all-seeing eyes, Lady Eastoffe’s concerned smile, and Silas’s continued gazing at the floor, I guessed at least half of the family knew I was drowning in sadness and none of us could really talk about it.

“I’ll be waiting,” Scarlet said with a brief curtsy. I nodded in reply and continued on my way.

I fought the urge and lost. Halfway down the hall, I looked back.

Silas was watching me.

He gave me a small smile, and I did the same in turn. And then we both kept walking.

Dear Valentina,

You have been gone only a few days, and I already find myself longing for your company. I’m still quite overwhelmed by that contract. It made me aware of just how true everything you’d said was. Love might have gotten me to Jameson, but this life will not be as easy as I’d first hoped. After hearing how you came to the crown, I can’t imagine anyone gave you lessons in being queen. But if so, could you pass any of that wisdom on to me? Since you’ve left, I feel like I’m sinking in

“What are you writing?” Delia Grace walked past my desk, a little too close for comfort.

I crumpled up the paper. “Nothing.” I couldn’t send that to Valentina. I knew she’d understand, but I needed a way to ask that wouldn’t sound so pathetic if someone else got ahold of it.

“Are you well?” Delia Grace asked. “You look as pale as an Isolten.” She smiled at her own joke.

“I feel a little tired. Perhaps all those days of entertaining finally caught up with me.”

“You can lie to anyone else you like, Hollis, but you’re wasting your time when it comes to me.”

I looked up at her, and she was standing there with an eyebrow raised and a hand on her hip.

“Fine. It’s just . . . I thought I could turn being queen into something beautiful and fun. It seems being queen is twisting me instead. I don’t think I care for it.”

She lowered her face to mine. “You are going to have to find a way to deal with it. You’ve got it better than so many others. Your marriage isn’t arranged to some stranger, your parents aren’t sending you to a different country, you’re not twelve, for crying out loud!”

I sighed. I knew that others had it worse than I did in the husband department, but that didn’t make my own ache any less real.

I toyed with the golden dice sitting out on my table. “Did you feel sad for Valentina, then?” I asked.

She spurted out a laugh. “Didn’t you? With that old prune for a husband?”

“But was that all that made it so bad? Didn’t you see that, for all she had, she was lonely? Sad? Jameson loves me, and he will treat me better than Quinten treats her, but there are so many other little things I never considered. I’m just . . . What if, once he’s older and his love has cooled, all I’m left with is feeling like I’m another possession of the state? A crown jewel locked up in a room with no windows, only taken out when the people need their spirits lifted and good for little else?”