The Best of Us (Sullivan's Crossing #4)(47)

“And a lot of really powerful drugs. What about you? How are you holding up?”

He let out a breath. “Not as well as Finn. I hate hospitals.”

“Lots of people do,” she said.

“No, I really do. I can’t sit in there. I go back to see how Finn’s getting along, make sure he has food and drink, then get out. Last night when I brought Finn over here to see her, I waited in the car. In the parking lot.”

“Is it the smell? Does it make you feel sick?”

“It’s everything, but the smell is terrible. It’s antiseptic. All the doctors and nurses. All the hospital gowns and IV stands. I hate it.”

“Gee, that’s such a nice hospital,” she said. “So beautiful. Are you afraid you’re going to get germs or something?”

“That’s probably it,” he said. “My heart races, I break out in a sweat, even my vision blurs. I am not at peace in that building.”

“Oh Jesus, Rob. I think you’re having a panic attack. Probably PTSD.”

“I’ve never been in the military...”

“No, Rob—you had a very bad experience in a hospital. Your wife. And I bet you haven’t been back in one since.”

“I had to bring Sean to an emergency room when he hit his head during football practice. He was twelve.”

“Did your pulse race then?” she asked. “Did you feel desperate to get out of there?”

“Well, he’d hit his head!”

“And you almost passed out in my clinic...”

“PTSD?”

“Sounds like it. But don’t worry, it’s going to be all right.”

“This is harder than I expected. I wasn’t prepared for this. I was a young father the last time I was in a hospital for a serious reason. Too many unpleasant memories. Too much thinking I don’t want Finn to have to go through something like that. I think it’s making my blood itch. I have a low-grade headache and I’m sweating. I’m not really worried about Maia—she’s in good hands. But I can’t stay in there long.”

“Anxiety?” she asked.

“Big-time. When Julienne was in the hospital, I didn’t want to leave her side. I never panicked when it was actually happening,” he said. “Maybe something is wrong with me.”

“Do you have chest pains or shortness of breath?”

“No pain but I get near the hospital doors and my heart pounds. I can feel my blood pressure go up. I guess I never thought about what it would be like to go back to a hospital...”

“Here’s what you should do. Find a comfortable place to sit. Breathe in through your nose to the count of three, breathe out slowly to the count of twelve through pursed lips. It will help you relax very quickly. Then you should be calm for a while, long enough to check on Finn. I wasn’t thinking of this possibility, but it fits. Your last experience was traumatic. You suffered a great loss. And I think you might’ve had a panic attack in my clinic when Finn cut his hand.”

“I can’t wait until the hospital part of this is over,” he said.

“I bet you need one of those head massages right about now.”

“I’m going to get through this and try to never do it again. Is it a phobia?”

“It’s just a panic episode, Rob. It’s related to trauma and is going to pass. Are you okay when you’re outside?”

“Except for the part that dreads going back in there.”

“Maybe you don’t have to. Maybe you can text Finn and tell him where to find you after he sees Maia.”

“My son is in there. I have to be sure he’s all right. He might be feeling worse than I do.”

“I want you to do the breathing I suggested, relax if you can. And I want you to call me when the surgery is done and you know how Maia is doing. Will you do that?”

“Yeah, sure. Sure.”

“Before you start the drive home, please call me.”

“Sure,” he said. “Thanks.”

“I miss you,” she said. “It’s going to be all right.”

He hung up without realizing he didn’t even say goodbye. Then a few seconds later he texted her. Sorry, I didn’t say goodbye. Thanks for everything. I’ll call later.

What a mess, he thought. He was so grateful to have a woman like Leigh in his life and so terrified of having a woman like Leigh in his life. She had awakened such strong, desperate feelings in him. What would become of him if something happened to her? Or to one of his boys? He couldn’t even go in the fucking hospital without nearly passing out!

He felt weak. Not his body, his spirit. And he thought, I might be falling in love with her and I can’t. I can’t do it again.

It was four o’clock before a nurse came to the waiting room and said that Maia was out of surgery but it would be at least an hour before she was conscious enough to see anyone, possibly two hours or even longer. “Did you call Mr. and Mrs. MacElroy?” Finn asked.

“Yes, they’re speaking with the doctor.”

“Is she okay?” Finn asked.

“She seems to have come through nicely. Dr. Sullivan said it went very well.”

“Thank you, God,” he whispered.

Then he took his seat again, waiting patiently. He spotted the MacElroys through the swinging doors to the surgery complex but he waited to be told he could come in.