The Atonement (The Arrangement, #3)(20)

Speaking of which, I’d need to make a payment soon, if I could figure out how.

Ainsley had always taken care of that sort of thing.

When the app loaded, I stared at the screen with horror, a chilling sensation in my core.

What the…

It wasn’t possible.

She wouldn’t.

Oh, who was I kidding? There was no use trying to fool myself anymore. No use pretending she wasn’t exactly who she’d shown herself to be.

A selfish monster.

There was nothing my wife wouldn’t do to protect herself. I’d learned that the hard way, but still, I hadn’t seen this coming. She’d taken everything. We were left with just a hundred dollars between all four accounts, not even enough to cover the rental car fee, which I’d have to return sooner than I’d planned. And now, she’d disappeared, too.

So, maybe I’d have to take more drastic measures than I’d realized.





CHAPTER FIFTEEN





AINSLEY





When I finally found Dylan, he was sitting on one of the plastic lawn chairs around the indoor pool. The humidity of the room struck me as I opened the door, causing sweat to bead on my forehead in seconds. He looked up, as if surprised to see me, then back down, purposefully avoiding eye contact.

I walked toward him slowly, chin tucked, and sat down on the long seat of the lounge chair next to him. The plastic straps groaned under my weight, their once white material now yellowed and dry-rotting.

His arms were folded across his chest, head turned so he couldn’t be tempted to look at me.

“When my dad left,” I said, preparing to tell a story I’d never told anyone in my life, “I blamed myself. I thought there had to be something I could do to fix whatever it was that had gone wrong. I thought because I was part of the family, I had to have had some role in why things fell apart for them.”

“Spare me the pity party. I’m not blaming myself. I’m blaming you.”

“You should.”

That seemed to surprise him. His eyes darted to meet mine. “Huh?”

“You should blame me, Dylan. That’s exactly my point. Everything that’s happened…it’s because of me.”

His hands went to his sides and he pushed himself up slightly, adjusting in his seat. “I don’t understand.”

“Dylan, sweetheart, marriage is…complicated, okay? But the truth is, if we wanted to stay together, your father and I, I’m sure we could.”

“Is this supposed to make me feel better?”

“We could stay together and work through our problems and be a family for you kids. And, for a long time, that’s what I wanted.” I closed my eyes, looking down. “That’s all I wanted. But we tried. We fought for our marriage. Because we love each other and because we love you.”

“But if you love each other—”

“There are some things that love can’t fix. I didn’t want to admit that, even to myself, because I like to think I can fix anything.” I smiled, hoping to get even a hint of a grin from him, but it didn’t work. “But no matter what we did, we just couldn’t get it right between the two of us. And then I started to think…what if you, or your brother or your sister, were in a marriage like this? What if you weren’t happy?” I cocked my head to the side, willing him to understand. “And the truth is…if any of you came to me and told me you felt the way I feel… I’d tell you to walk away, to burn it all down, and to do whatever it takes to make yourself happy.”

“So that’s what this is? Consequences be damned?”

I winced at his harsh language, but fought the urge to chide him. “No. It’s not about that. The truth is, even though I know I can be happier outside of this marriage, I would stay for you guys. I would stay to keep you happy and healthy and feeling whole.”

“So do that.” He unfolded and refolded his arms, a glint of hope in his eyes.

“But…if I did that I would be showing you three that your own happiness doesn’t matter. And then, if you ever came to me in a similar situation, I’d be a hypocrite to tell you to leave. As much as it sucks, bud, I have to lead by example. Because I want you all to have an idea of what a whole, happy person is supposed to look like. And, maybe you can’t understand that. Maybe it’s selfish of me to ask you to. I don’t know. I’m still figuring all of this out right along with you. What I do know, though, is that I want to teach you all that you are whole people completely on your own, and that you should never stay in a situation where you don’t feel loved and respected. And that isn’t meant to speak ill of your dad. He is a good person and a good father, and he loves you all so much. But our marriage is not one I would want for you guys, and that tells me all I need to know.”

I paused, hoping he’d say something—anything—to let me know he understood, but he was silent, staring at me as if I were a stranger. “I understand that it’s a lot to take in. And I understand if you can’t…forgive me or look at me right now. These next few days, weeks, and months are going to be rough on us all. But I’ll be here if you have any questions.”

He lifted his chin slightly, a challenge. “Can I go live with Dad?”