The Anti-Boyfriend(81)
Carys Likes Penis.
EPILOGUE
Deacon
Getting Carys to fully believe in me didn’t happen as quickly as I’d hoped. And there was no formal discussion or announcement when things had finally crossed the barrier of trust. Our being back together happened slowly and organically. I spent every day for months showing her I wasn’t going anywhere, and taking the time to learn how to be a good partner to her and a father to Sunny. Because I’d put in the work, I finally reaped the rewards.
In the five years since Carys entered my life, I’d learned many things, including the following, in no particular order.
One: You can’t prove yourself with words, only actions.
Two: You can’t choose who you love. It never mattered what I told myself about not getting into a relationship with Carys. From the moment we connected, I was destined to lose the battle with my brain.
Three: Full freedom can’t be achieved until you forgive yourself. I finally sought therapy for my fear of failure and harming others and learned how important self-compassion was to my recovery.
Four: It’s not all about you, Deacon. There were things in life far more important than myself. Sunny taught me that. When you have children, they come first, always.
And finally, I learned blood doesn’t make you family. Sunny is my daughter, and it doesn’t matter that I didn’t technically make her. The only caveat? I had to share the father role with Charles. She called neither one of us Dad. I was Deek and he was Cha-Cha. But we both believed we were her father, neither of us willing to give that designation to the other. So we accepted that Sunny would have two fathers, each checking and balancing the other and holding each other accountable.
My daughter is a trip. She recently learned to twerk, thanks to Charles’s daughter, Talia. At five and a half, Sunny’s speech was still a work in progress. While Carys and I could understand almost everything she said, it wasn’t always clear to others. But we’d been told that with continued therapy, her speech would improve as she got older. She’d be able to meet all the same milestones as a typical kid, just on her own schedule. No one knew exactly what the future would bring for Sunny in terms of living independently, but I had high hopes that she would achieve whatever she set her sights on. I’d be there cheering her on until the day I died.
Of course, it wouldn’t have been possible for me to fall in love with Sunny if I hadn’t fallen in love with her mother first. A couple of years ago, Carys and I left Sunny behind with Charles for the first time and flew to Vegas to get married. It was four glorious days of having my beautiful ballerina all to myself. Soon after we got back, we moved to the suburbs of New Jersey so we could have a yard.
Now we were typical suburbanites, spending our Saturday morning at our kid’s soccer game. Not only had I never foreseen myself as a dad, but I certainly never imagined my grand return to sports would be as a soccer coach for a bunch of rugrats. Sunny’s school offered an integrated sports program, so the kids with special needs played right alongside the others. I figured rather than having to force myself to stay on the sidelines, I’d coach the team—you know, in case Sunny ever needed me.
But you know what? Most of the time, she didn’t. And I was learning to let her fall sometimes. That was hard.
I waved to Charles, sitting in the stands with his two kids. They showed up for each and every one of Sunny’s games. When we moved, we’d intentionally bought a place close to Charles, since he often helped out with Sunny.
Our daughter was a joy to watch on the field. She loved being around other kids, and they’d often help lead her in the right direction. She didn’t always follow the rules of the game, and had only made one goal the entire season, with the help of one of her peers, but she always had a smile on her face. With Sunny, it was never about the destination. It was the journey. If she fell while running, she always picked herself up and kept going. People could definitely learn a few things from my little girl.
When today’s game finally ended, Sunny ran to Carys, who’d been watching from a blanket on the grass. Charles and his kids came over to give her high fives.
A couple of parents interrupted me on my way to my family, so it took me a while to join them.
When I finally broke free and got to Carys, I said, “Ready to head home?”
She nodded and tugged on one of Sunny’s two blond braids. “You’re going to need the longest bath, girl. Let’s get you home and scrub you down.”
I leaned in to whisper in Carys’s ear, “Did you say rub down? I could use a rub down later.”
She shook her head, and I stole a quick kiss before wrapping my arm around her. We walked back toward the car.
Sunny looked up at me and made her hand into a fist while mimicking licking a cone, which was sign language for ice cream. The ice cream truck was parked at the edge of the parking lot.
“You need to have lunch first,” I told her.
She jumped up and down. “Peez, Deek!”
I sighed and reached for my wallet.
“You’re such a sucker.” Carys laughed.
After we got Sunny her frozen treat, we resumed the long walk to the car, which was parked at the far end of the lot in a shady spot under a tree.
“I was so proud of Sunny today,” Carys said. “I’m glad I never pushed the ballet thing, because it’s clear she’s much more interested in sports.”