Such a Fun Age(58)

Tamra put her napkin at the side of her plate and touched Alix’s back. “Let’s go outside,” she said. She scooted her chair back. “Come on, let’s get some fresh air.”

Out front were a dozen or so Philadelphians in down parkas and boots, bouncing with their hands in pockets as they waited for their names to be called. It reminded Alix of New York and she thought, One more day and you’ll be there. She and Tamra walked down the street and stood underneath a drippy bridge passover. Snow and ice dropped down and collected in puddles on the asphalt. Tamra’s boots echoed as they hit the concrete.

“I’m sorry. I’m okay. I’m fine.” A breeze whipped Alix’s hair into her mouth and she pulled it out with two fingers. “I’m just scared for her. He was a bad guy back then, and now that we’re older I don’t trust him even more.”

“Then I think you need to tell her,” Tamra said. “Don’t tell her about what he did to you because that needs to stay separate. And if you tell her about the letter and that night, the rest of it will come out like you’re still trying to punish him. But tell her what you know about his dating record, and that he’s been like this for some time. Just be honest with her and say, ‘If it were me, I’d want to know.’”

“Would you want to know?” Alix felt certain that Tamra knew what she meant by this question. That as her closest friend, her word already carried a massive amount of weight, but as a black woman, in this scenario, Tamra’s outlook would dictate the moves Alix made next.

Tamra twisted her lips to the side. “I think this is less about what I would want to know, and more about if Emira should know. And Alix . . .” Tamra shook her head. She breathed deep as if she’d just climbed a ladder to a rewarding rooftop view. “I think you’re the best thing that ever happened to that girl. You should step into her life in any way you can.”

Alix stuck her hands into both of her front pockets. “What do you mean?”

“Well . . .” Tamra stood with a face that seemed to be asking, Do you want the good news first or the bad news? She zipped up her jacket high against her neck. “I like Emira. A lot. I actually think it’s quite lovely how she and Briar complement each other. It’s incredibly sweet to watch.”

For a moment, Alix couldn’t tell if this was a slight to Emira, Briar, or both.

“But,” Tamra said slowly, “that girl is very lost. She’s twenty-five years old and she has no idea what she wants or how to get it. She doesn’t have the motivation to maintain a real career the way our girls will have, which is probably not her fault but it doesn’t make it less true. What I’m saying is . . . there are a lot of jerks like Kelley out there, but when they get hold of girls like Emira? Someone who’s still trying to figure herself out? That’s when I start to really worry. And the more that I think about it, it makes a lot sense she ended up with a guy like this. He’s looking to validate himself through someone else. She hasn’t caught on because she doesn’t know who she is.”

Alix shook her head and brought a hand up to her face. Her voice split again as she asked, “What am I gonna do?” The tears came so easily that through her sobs, Alix thought, Thank God. It felt like Emira really was hers. And that Alix’s intentions must be good after all.

“Sweetie, hey.” Tamra hugged her from the side. “Look at me. This will be fine. It’s only been a few months and there’s no ring on her finger. Emira is so lucky to have you worrying about her . . . but you gotta take care of yourself too.”

“Oh, I’m fine, though. I’m fine.” Alix took a tissue out of her pocket and swiped it underneath her nose.

“Alix. I’m gonna say something to you and I don’t want you to take this the wrong way.” Tamra stepped in front of her and held her elbows. “When you were in New York you were Go go go, all the time. You can’t expect to feel like yourself when things have slowed down as much as they have.”

Alix looked back to the awning of the restaurant as her eyes filled with tears again. She both hated and loved Tamra for bringing her lack of fulfillment into a harsh light. “But what am I supposed to do?” Her voice went into a tragic falsetto and she took her volume down even lower. “Peter is so supportive and the fact is, I do work from home. I thought the Clinton campaign would want me more, but this event next week is the only event I’ve had in months. I used to have my team, and my phone used to be blowing up all the time . . . and I know it’s because I had a baby. I know. And I’m so glad because she’s so perfect. But now I don’t even know how to begin to have the same life I had while I’m living here.”

Tamra pulled out her phone. “Let me work on this.”

Alix sniffed into her tissue and from underneath it she asked, “What are you doing?”

“We need to get you back in the city.” Tamra continued to type an email, most likely to herself because she did this all the time, and said, “Gimme two seconds,” as Alix waited. “I know a woman who is looking for someone to facilitate a class on Tuesday nights at the New School. You’d actually be perfect and I can’t believe I didn’t think of it sooner.”

“Tam, no. I can’t leave Peter like that. He’s doing so well and this was always the plan. This was what we agreed to.”