Still Not Over You(56)

Suddenly, that innate sibling understanding we've always had is a curse rather than a blessing. It’s so easy for us to read all the simmering emotions between us – easy enough to know neither of us wants to touch them and possibly kick off an explosion.

But finally, I exhale into my tea, blowing a cloud of steam, and mutter, “You first.”

He cracks a smile. “I was gonna wait you out.”

“I don’t like meaningful silences, or soggy middles.”

“Sis, I'm never going to completely get your weird literary references.” He groans, propping his elbows on the kitchen island, looking at me frankly. “So. Landon.”

I shrug tightly. “No Landon anymore.”

A wince wrinkles his brow. “That bad?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You sure?” Steve shakes his head. “Look, I don’t think you should be here if he’s hurting you, Kenna.”

“He’s not –” I break off. I can’t get the lie out.

Because Landon did hurt me, but it wasn’t hard to see that under his vicious counterattack, he was hurting, too. Lashing out.

Damn it, why am I defending him when he broke my heart again?

I divert, pressing my lips together. “Is that what you came here to tell me? That I should leave?”

“Something like that.”

“I don’t understand. Landon’s your best friend.”

“And I’ve been around him a lot more than you have over the past few years. I’ve seen things you haven’t, Kenna.” Steve reaches across the island, offering his hand. “Just hear me out, sis. You owe me that much.”

I wince.

I owe him an apology for lying, but I’m not ready to get it out past my pride just yet when part of me still blames him for bursting the idyllic bubble Landon and I were living in. It’s not wholly Steve’s fault, of course. Something would've stepped between us sooner or later, and brought out just how wrong we were.

Wrong for each other.

I have to tell myself that until I believe it, or I’ll never tape the pieces of my heart back together.

But Steve is still waiting with that outstretched hand, and after a moment, I sag and slip my fingers into his. Even if I’m this tangle of anger and guilt inside, I can never quite turn him down when he’s offering the comfort of a large, warm, steady hand wrapped around mine.

“Okay,” I say. “I’m listening. Go.”

He hesitates, then starts, “Don’t get me wrong. I love Landon like a brother. Never thought that'd be so close to almost literal, but it's true.” He squeezes my hand, stroking his thumb reassuringly over my knuckles, but it’s hard to take comfort when he continues, “There’s something different in him now. Something dangerous. It’s like this dark seed was planted when his old man died, and it’s been growing and spreading its roots through him for years ever since. I thought he'd come back. Kept hoping he'd find his way free from it...but it feels like it’s the only thing holding him together now. And while I want to believe that the man I love like my brother is in there, that darkness will always come first. You have to know that, sis. And I'll be damned if I want to see you get hurt while Landon’s busy destroying himself.”

I swallow thickly, my throat tight. There's too much truth in his words. So much I try to deny, to deflect. “That’s a cruel thing to say about someone you care about.”

“But I care about you, too. I can care about both of you enough to see you'll only destroy each other. For Landon, you’re too tangled up in that darkness riding him.” He sighs. “I just don’t want to see you hurt. Him, either. And I don’t want you to get dragged down with him.”

I yank my hand back. I don’t know why this is upsetting me. Maybe because he’s right, but I don’t want to believe it. I can’t.

“I know him,” I say. “I do. Maybe better than you, if all you can see is this ‘dark seed’ and not who he really is. He's more than his demons, Steve.” I wrap my arms around myself, squeezing tight. “I know he’s dealing with things poorly. You're right. But I know why, too. And I think if we give him a chance, he’ll fight his way through. I have faith in him, even if you don’t.”

The look Steve gives me is almost pitying. “Enough faith to stay? Even when he doesn’t want you to?”

I feel like a balloon that’s been punctured, sagging. I press my trembling lips together. “We had a fight. We’ll talk it out when he gets back. If I run...”

If I run, then what?

I’ll be proving Steve right.

Even worse, I’ll be proving Landon right.

That he’s beyond redemption. Not worth someone willing to wait for him, fight with him, fight for him, believe in him.

No, I can’t save Landon from himself.

But I can be loyal enough to be there for him while he finds his way to the light.

I can remind him who he really is, and what he isn't. That he's not a man who would murder someone in cold blood.

But I can’t tell Steve that. I can’t tell him what I read in Landon’s journal that day, or what Landon confessed to me.

He’d go into full-on protective mode, from Labrador to Rottweiler, and try to drag me away from the cold-blooded murderer. Maybe he’d be right to, but I can’t believe that. I can't give up on Landon just yet.