Still Not Over You(53)

Getting caught before breaking the news to my best friend was always a risk. I hadn’t expected to feel this fucking guilty.

I don’t want to feel this guilty, and it makes me snarly, though I try to rein it in. “I thought you’d be angry, and you should be,” I mutter. “Don’t be mad at Kenna. I lied to you, Steve. She just went along with it. We haven’t talked about it since.”

“Yeah. Communication isn’t your strong point,” Steve whispers flatly. “So, you're telling me you'd rather I never trusted you again than deal with me being annoyed?”

“I didn’t know it'd stop at annoyed!”

“Of course you didn’t,” Steve bites off. “Because apparently you don’t know me, and I don’t know you anymore, Landon. I love you like a brother. I love Kenna. Why the fuck would I be upset with you for being together? Why couldn’t you trust me?” That hurt in his eyes hardens. He’s hitting me like bullets, peeling me open in the way only screwing over my oldest friend can. “That's not why I'm up in your face,” he growls, coming closer.

I never thought this man had an intimidating bone in his body, but here he is: up close, eyes wide, drilling my betrayal into me. He pauses, shaking his head. “I'm not pissed off because you're with my sister. I'm livid because you couldn't come clean with me, when I'm practically the only real friend you've got.”

Fucking ouch. It stings because it isn't wrong. At Enguard, I have co-workers. Associates. Employees. Steve's the only one who's stayed with me through thick and thin. Only one local, too. I keep in touch with a few of my hardass military buddies like Gabe, but they just knew me under the stress of battle. Steve knows who I was, and what I've become.

He's talking again. “Because you can’t trust anyone, right? Not since Micah died. So you just treat everyone like they’re the enemy.”

“That’s not fair,” Kenna cuts in. “You don’t know what Landon’s been going through –”

“You’re right,” Steve answers. “I don’t. Because Landon never trusted me enough to tell me. I’ve put my faith in him all these years only to find out he can’t even trust me enough to tell me how he feels about my sister.” His fists clench and unclench. “How do you feel about my sister? Do you at least trust her, or are you just using her, too?”

Too much.

I know I’ve been a prick these past few years and Steve doesn’t really have any reason to believe in my character, but I can’t sit here while he cuts holes into me with the reminders of all the ways I’ve fucked up – until even the people I love the most can’t trust a single word I say, because I’m too damaged and broken to ever trust them.

I thrust to my feet, fists clenched tight enough that my nails dig into my palms. “Fuck this. Ask her, why don't you. Rather than talking about her like she’s not here. I’m out.”

Steve never moves. Kenna stands, pushing herself between us. Her hand rests on my arm, a reminder of that soft warmth that's been broken, dashed to pieces at my feet.

“Landon, don’t go,” she pleads, then turns to her brother, stepping toward Steve. “Please, just...just...I’m sorry. I know we should've told you the truth, but it happened on impulse. We were caught off guard. We meant to tell you everything, we just didn't have enough –”

“Time?” Steve cuts in. “Two weeks isn’t impulse, Kenna. You had plenty of time to tell me.”

Steve looks like we’ve broken something in him.

Fuck, this is so wrong.

This is all my fault. I didn’t mean to fix the rift between me and Kenna only to create one between her and her brother.

If I have to lose Steve, I’ll deal with the consequences, but I can’t be the reason for a break between brother and sister.

But before I can say anything, Kenna says, “We did. But we were...we were...” She shakes her head, losing the words. “I can’t say what we were, really. But it was selfish. Just give us a chance to explain. Please.”

“Not now,” Steve says, his voice cracking. “I can’t even look at you. It’s bad enough you lied to me, Kenna. But you.” His gaze transfers to me. “I kept giving you chance after chance, Landon. All these years of you thrusting me away. Of you lashing out. And I kept saying you just needed time. You’d be okay. You'd sort your crap out. You just needed us to be here for you.” He swallows hard. “And you just shat all over that because you couldn’t tell me the truth.” He shakes his head, stepping back. “I can’t be here right now. I just can’t.”

And then he’s walking away. Kenna makes a forlorn sound and starts after him, then stops.

She stares helplessly between us. I should go to her, comfort her, but right now I feel like if I do I’ll just poison this more. Poison her because I'm fucking toxic.

And if Steve can’t be here right now, then neither can I.

I turn and walk away. I need to prep for the job, need to pack my car, need to do anything but keep standing here, wallowing in the guilt that’s eating me inside like black fire.

The fuck do I have to feel guilty for? It’s my fucking private life. Not Steve’s. It’s not his business who I’m sleeping with, or who Kenna is either.