Someone Else's Ocean(32)

“Panic attack,” she mouthed to the second medic.

Instantly furious but unable to control my breathing or the shaking, I took steady breaths and let Jasmine walk me to the couch. “Sit tight, okay. I’ll take care of this.”

“It’s my worse fear,” I said, hot tears trailing down my face.

“I know.”

She picked up my hand and kissed it before she gently pushed me back into the cushions.

“I’ll be right back.”

“Jasmine,” I pleaded knowing I was making a fool of myself.

“I’ll be right back, Koti.”

I drew my knees up as my body quaked and took breaths until the fatigue set in.





“I’M SORRY,” I SAID, STARING at the mismatched houses that flew by us as Jasmine drove us to the office a short time later.

“Stop.”

“I’m so embarrassed,” I admitted.

“Stop it,” Jasmine said firmly.

“Why can’t I just make jokes like you or throw up like normal people?”

She let out a loud laugh. “You think I’m normal? Babe, please. My mother was a nurse. Her calm reaction would have made us both look crazy.”

“I feel crazy.”

“You are a little bit. That’s how you deal with things. I make jokes. Who knows what other people would have done in that situation.”

“Stop trying to make me feel better.” My limbs ached. I could barely keep my eyes open. “Why do you even deal with me?”

“Trade-off, you save me right back. I’m pretty selfish. That’s how this works.”

I let out a long breath and turned down the radio she’d just turned on.

“Where did he go, when he died, where did he go?”

“I don’t know.”

“That’s the worst part,” I swallowed as the fear began to resurface, “we don’t know for sure. We don’t know, and even the truest of most faithful believers aren’t certain there’s a heaven or hell or just darkness. And if it’s just darkness, are we aware of it? We get to know nothing except that death is every single living creature’s fate. The thing I’m most afraid of in the world is the one thing that is inevitably going to happen to me and everyone I love. I get to know nothing else.”

“We all have that disadvantage, no one knows for sure.”

“But you aren’t afraid to die. You’ve just accepted it. And you live every day of your life not worried about it.”

“Give yourself credit, kid. You’ve done a damn good job curbing your fears this past year.”

“I know, but then today this happens and I’m more terrified than ever.”

She grabbed my hand and held it. “I wish I could say something that would change this for you, Koti, but I can’t.”

“I know,” I said tearfully. “Some days I feel like our creator is the cruelest with the rules and some days I can’t believe how amazing this world is. Ya know? It’s like here, enjoy this life while I give it to you but be careful because at any moment I can take it away and you don’t get to know what’s next. And then there’s religion and what if it’s wrong, or if it’s right and all the people who don’t believe have this horrible fate because they are realists and need proof?”

“Deep breaths, Koti.”

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry.”

“Stop it. Don’t be sorry. These are all valid questions. You aren’t crazy.”

“I feel crazy.”

“You’re human. You have thanatophobia. It wouldn’t be a phobia if you were the only one. There are millions of people with the same fear.”

I swallowed and nodded.

“And your anxiety makes it worse.”

I nodded as thoughts of the rest of our schedule raced around my head. “We have to open the Brewer house in five minutes.”

“We’ll make it.”

She gripped my hand before I pulled it away.

“Stop, honey, stop beating yourself up.”

“God, I’m so sick of this. So sick of myself. One step forward, a hundred back. This is bullshit.”

Jasmine’s next order was a plea. “Stop.”

I turned in my seat to face her. “I’m so full of shit. You know I spewed off some crap last night to Ian about being proactive and taking care of other people. I’m such a spaz. Who the hell am I kidding?”

She eyed me for a long minute at a stop light. “That’s who you are for me. You take care of me.”

“I have all these ideas of the new and improved Koti Vaughn and then crap like this happens. I feel so out of control. My mother says it’s all in my head.”

“We all feel out of control most days. Especially on days like this, I really hate your mother for making you feel like that. It’s anxiety and we all have it in different degrees. My sister won’t leave her house. Trust me, yours could be a lot worse.”

“Is that how you knew how to deal with me?”

Her shoulders slumped. “I’m not dealing with you, I’m being your friend.”

I nodded as a hot tear slipped down my face. “Who’s going to want me like this?”