Satin Princess(94)

But I can’t stop myself. Something inside me quivers every time the stone hits the water and splashes violently.

“You know there are fish in that fountain, right?”

I jump back to see Yulian watching me with raised eyebrows.

“Guppies, mostly,” he adds. “But they grow. Unless they get their heads bashed in by a flying rock.”

I put my hands on the concrete rim and look over into the water. I see movement underneath the surface. Orange koi scrambling for safety.

“Shit,” I mutter.

“Feeling a little murderous today?” he asks lightly as he moves closer to me.

I close my eyes and my shoulders sag with defeat. I turn my back on the fountain and sit down. Water soaks through my jeans, but I don’t care.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t think there were fish in there.”

Yulian sits down beside me and gives me a comforting smile. “I’m a great listener when I want to be. If you want to talk about why you’re pelting helpless little fish, I’m here for you.”

I exhale deeply. “I used to get frustrated a lot as a kid,” I admit. “I was bullied and my mom and dad weren’t exactly the most attentive or involved parents out there. There was this little lake close to my childhood home that I would bike over to when I was feeling especially down. I used to sit by the lake and throw stones.”

“And that made you feel better?”

“I used to pretend like I could transfer my heavy feelings into each stone. And throwing the stone away was my way of trying to get rid of some of those emotions.”

Yulian looks impressed. “That’s a high-level metaphor for a kid.”

“It worked back then,” I laugh bitterly. “Not so much anymore.”

“Only because the stakes are higher.”

“I don’t know how you guys do it,” I admit. “The constant danger, the threat of losing the people closest to you… it’s so much.”

“It’s different for us. We’ve always known what to expect.”

“I’m not sure I can ever adopt that kind of attitude. No matter how long I live in this world.”

“Does that mean you’re planning on trying it out?” he asks.

I raise my eyebrows. “I am carrying your brother’s baby. Kinda seems like I’m stuck here, even if I didn’t wanna be.”

Yulian is the more easygoing of Anton’s inner circle, but I can tell that even he is uneasy about this whole situation. His brow knits together in worry, which does nothing to ease my own concerns.

“I don’t want anything to happen to my baby, Yulian,” I add in a whisper.

He looks at me with fierce eyes full of determination. “I promise, no harm will come to you or your baby. I’ll make sure of it.”

It’s sweet how confident he sounds right now, but I know he can’t guarantee anything. He picks up a stone and tosses it up into the air before catching it again.

“Let’s play your game,” he suggests. “This stone is my worry for my brother.” He throws it over his shoulder and it lands with a plink in the water. “Your turn.”

Smiling, I reach for a stone of my own. “This is my fear. Fear that my best friend will be hurt or killed because of me.”

I throw the stone, but not far enough, so when it lands in the fountain, cold water droplets splatter on my back.

Yulian finds another rock and goes again. “This is my frustration for everything that’s gone wrong that’s led us to this moment.”

“I think you’ll need more stones for that one. Maybe a boulder.”

He smirks and throws the stone. Then he hands me a new one. “This is my anger at Marina for not staying dead. You can throw it.”

I chuck it behind me and feel some of the pressure on my chest lighten somewhat. “It’s helping,” I whisper.

“You’re right. Good game you made up,” he says, picking up another stone. “This is my doubt about my own abilities and my own skill.”

He turns and whips it hard into the water. Fish scatter in every direction. It must feel like their world is ending. Death by vicious meteor shower attack from above.

“Do you really doubt yourself?” I ask.

“All the time.”

That surprises me. He always seems so damn confident.

As if he’s reading my mind, he says, “All my confidence feels like a mask sometimes. I have to appear confident because the alternative is looking weak. And that’s easy to do when I’m standing next to Anton and Lev.”

“They’re not going to judge you.”

He snorts. “Then you don’t know either one of them very well. It’s not in their nature—or any of our natures—to be compassionate or understanding. Strength is the only thing that’s respected here.”

“Anton and Lev aren’t just anyone,” I point out. “Anton is your brother and Lev is your friend.”

He nods, but I can tell he doesn’t believe what I believe: that they’d have his back no matter what. It makes me sad to think that the toxic masculinity of the underworld would bleed into their relationships.

“Have you ever talked to Anton?” I ask.

“About what?”

“About your self-doubt.”