Rising (Blue Phoenix, #4)(64)

“Yep. That’s what I was talking about before, but that’s not a good thing.”

“There’s the constant desire to be close to you I’ve had for weeks.”

“Right.”

I inhale. How much am I risking by doing this? “There’s the calm of being in your arms and feeling as if the rest of the world doesn’t exist and doesn’t need to.” Oh, God, I sound like a bad romance novel.

Jem stares at his feet. “Yeah. That too. Okay.”

“Help me out here, Jem. I’m opening up to you.”

“There’s an emptiness when you’re not here.” Jem looks up warily and I raise an expectant eyebrow. “Shit. Okay, there’s the way time stands still when I’m away from you and passes too quickly when I’m with you.”

“Yes?”

He stands. “I can’t do this.”

“I didn’t think you could; it’s okay.” I say and smile through the lie.

“No, it’s not okay. f-uck.” Jem rubs his temples and closes his eyes. As he releases the breath, something else comes too and he closes the gap between us. Jem strokes my cheek with the back of his hand, the touch soothing the hollow ache that was beginning. “One smile, one look, and one touch from you blasts my world so full of colour it f-ucking blinds me.”

Only Jem could use the word f-uck in an explanation of his feelings… He circles an arm around my waist and grips my back, holding me to him so I can’t move. This is safe. I can tell him. Tentatively I put my arms around his neck; if I touch him, I can say this.

“What hurts is, being with you is the most natural place in the world, and I’m frightened one day you’ll push me out. Like today, her…”

Jem nudges my cheek, winding his fingers into my hair. “No, not her. She means nothing and never has. I’m not interested in anyone else because I have a gut wrenching fear of my own. If I lose you, I’ll lose a part of myself I recently found.”

I loosen his hands. “No, I’m not trying to take part of you.”

“I mean you match me, a reflection of my past come back to show me who I can be again. I get you. You get me.”

This. Why can’t these words have been spoken before? “You make me feel it’s okay to be me, not who you want me to be,” I whisper.

“Never be anything but yourself, because that person means a hell of a lot to me.” Jem cups my cheek in his hand and kisses me; his lips barely touch mine, but push away any remaining inclination I have to walk out of the door. “Don’t leave. Please.”

“So what is this?” I ask.

“I don’t know what this is, but it’s ours.”

“I guess everything else about us is different to normal.”

“Ruby, I’m crap with words and expressing myself, that’s bloody obvious. But each time I touch you or kiss you, I’m telling you everything we just said.” Jem runs his fingertips across my skin, tracing the heart-shaped tattoo on my chest. “I’m telling you, you have my heart.”

“Jem, that’s getting close to romantic. Next it will be flowers and teddy bears and texts with kisses.”

“No way!” I laugh at his doubtful look. “But you’re staying, right? I said enough?”

“Yes.”

“Thank f-uck for that!”

Jem seizes me around the waist and lifts me; I wrap my legs around Jem’s waist, take his face in both hands, and kiss him. Kiss Jem as if it’s the first time and only time, desperate and hungry. This isn’t the first or last, but he’s finally my Jem. He tastes of the man who’s turned my body from something used or beaten to something filled with an intense desire I’d never dreamt of. I’m rewound to those times – from Jem holding me when I needed support, to the intensity of sex when I craved us. This desire burns through, intensified by the words exchanged and the pull into our safe place again.

“I don’t deserve this,” Jem says.

“What?”

“You. I do so much wrong to people; I’m scared I’ll hurt someone else again.”

I rest my forehead on his. “Jem Jones, shut up and just f-ucking kiss me.”

He nips my bottom lip, and smiles against my mouth. “Ah, Ruby Tuesday, your mouth…”

No more words, enough have been exchanged today. If we carry on talking, I’ll obsess about the words we can’t use, at the place in our souls we can’t allow anyone in. Jem’s heart thumps against my chest at a speed to match mine, hearts marching in a new rhythm.





Chapter Twenty-Six



Ruby



Two weeks since our admission that our relationship is beyond friendship and sex, and life takes on a weird normality. Studio time finished, I return to my everyday job at the cafe and Jem fills his days too. I’m not a hundred percent sure what with. He mentions meeting people, checking in with counsellors, or catching up with Bryn or Liam occasionally; but even though he’s going out more than he did, most of the time he stays in the house. I expected Jem to be more sociable, but after years of being overwhelmed by the outside world, I can understand why he prefers to hide for a while.

I’m living with Jem on a semi-permanent basis now; we’ve discussed this as a ‘see how we go’. I’m wary, but a larger part of me knows this is where I should be right now.