Revolution (Collide, #4)(52)

I'd never tasted the kind of venom I used on her that day and it still stung to think about it. She hadn't spoken to me since. And now, I watched one of the men as he watched her. She was beautiful, plain as day to see. I felt like the biggest kind of fool for feeling like I had some claim on her.

She caught me looking, but I didn't look away. And when the man approached her and asked her name, I still didn't look away. Calvin came and stood beside me. He propped his foot up behind him on the wall and crossed his arms, mirroring my pose. "What are we staking out?" He grinned. "Or should I say who?"

I frowned. "Nothing and nobody."

"So the fact that your eyes are glued to Ellie have absolutely no basis on our study?" he said seriously. I had a feeling he was making fun of me.

"Calvin," I sighed.

"Ry! Come on, man! I'm a kid stuck in a bunker! There's nothing here to do. Please, let me live vicariously through you!"

"What does that mean?"

"It means to go tell Mister Grabby to keep his paws off your woman!" He nodded his head toward Ellie and the man was invading her personal space and then some. She was trying to be polite to him, but my brain didn't think and my heart didn't beat as I made swift steps to her.

"Excuse me," I told the man and moved him slightly to reach Ellie's hand. I gripped it gently and the thought hadn't occurred to me until then that she might snatch her hand away and tell me to scram. But she didn't.

She followed me to the elevator doors, which seemed like the only semi-private area. I could hear her clearly as she said, "Thanks."

"You're welcome."

She started to walk off, but I couldn't let her. I grabbed her elbow gently and when she refused to turn to look at me, I felt my heart break a little. I had done this. I had slammed the wedge down between us just like I wanted. So why did I feel so horrible in my guts about it?

"Ellie," I whispered.

"I'm not a yo-yo, Ryan. You can't just jerk me up and down." She turned to face me and her cheeks were flushed. "You either want me or you don't, and you made it pretty clear that you didn't."

"I want you, I just don't know how to give up something so I can keep something else," I said dejected. I let it all hang on my face like a mask. I let her arm go and leaned against the wall. I had no idea what I was doing anymore. My fingers worked their way into my hair…the body's hair, I reminded myself. Not mine.

I was raw and raging with no end in sight of relief. I'd never been so confused.

I had expected Ellie to leave when she was released by me, but I felt her hand on my chest. I opened my eyes to find her in front of me, looking sympathetic and confused herself.

"My whole family is gone," she said and bit the side of her lip. "They all died and…I wish they could come back more than anything." She gave me a pointed look. "That would be my heaven, but that won't happen. But, if we're being honest, if I could go back and have them live, I would. That would mean I would never have met you."

Her meaning bowled me over. I felt sliced down the middle for this girl. "I would want that, for you to have your family back, even if it meant we'd never have met. Their loss is greater than anything you'd ever gain from me."

She steeled herself. "And the loss of your After place is greater than anything you'd ever gain from me."

I felt my chest rush with breath. "I'm not so sure that's true anymore."

"But that's the point, Ryan. Some things can't be changed, some things can. Whether or not you can go there doesn't matter right now. I'll never get my family back and that won't change." A tear that had been begging to fall slid gracefully down her cheek. "There might not be a tomorrow for any one of us. You have to hold on to right now, you have to live like tomorrow isn't coming. And right now." She stepped closer. She didn't wipe her tears away and I'd never seen her so open and raw before. "Right now I'm standing in front of you, right in front of you, and I'm not asking you to give up anything for me. If the time comes, I'll gladly let you go to the After because I know what it means for you and I'll be happy for you, but right now…I want you to put your arms around me and pretend that there is no tomorrow."

I yanked her to me. I couldn’t even be sorry for my rough treatment of her, but she wasn't complaining as she put her arms around my waist. I reveled in the feel of her. She was a tiny thing and her head fit right under my chin.

She had managed to take something so confusing and heartbreaking in my mind and break it down to a simple fact: That we are all here for the same thing right now, to survive, and you have to take your happiness where you could find it.

"I'm…" I tried, but it just seemed so unconvincing. "I'm so sorry, Ellie."

"No, I'm sorry," she replied and leaned her head back a little.

"No," I insisted, "I thought I was doing you a favor, but I wasn't. I hurt you and I…"

"I forgot that you haven't been a man for very long." She smiled and rubbed my chest with her fingers. "I expected you to be something that you're just…not. I threw it in your face that you weren't the man I thought you were, but I realized that I'm happy about that." She laughed. "Human guys are overrated."