Revolution (Collide, #4)(48)

"You mean like taking out the trash?"

She smiled a little. "No. I mean like in the grand scheme of things. Do you feel like you serve a purpose that no one else can serve."

I thought about it. "I am so jumbled on the inside I have no idea what I feel."

She nodded. "Do you want to have purpose?"

I didn't know why, but I nodded emphatically. She reached across the counter and whispered, "Don't fight it."

When she touched my cold hand I got this sense of importance. It washed over me in warmth and color and I closed my eyes to it. There was a part of me that wanted to pull back, to reject whatever this gift was she was giving me, but I held still. When she finished, she removed her hand and waited for me to say something. I looked at her and knew that what she had given me hadn't been a gift at all in the real sense, but I saw the only way to ever see Lillian smile again in the task she gave me. That was a gift in itself.

I looked over at Lillian. My Lillian who didn’t want me, but wanted me here. Little did she know she couldn't have it both ways. I focused back on Marissa. Her eyes were watering a little and she smiled through them. "I'm so sorry. I wish I'd gotten to know you better." She held my hand like I mattered, like I was human. "It may not help you to know this, but I saw beyond and…what's waiting for you…isn't hell, Daniel."

"Thank you. I'm not afraid. I always knew death would find me eventually. If I can die to save my Lillian's heart, then so be it."

"You're not just saving Lillian, you're winning this war for us. Everyone will know what you did. I'll make sure of it."

I nodded and heard Marissa telling Lily that her Momma was almost there as I walked away. I needed to leave now. The vision Marissa had shown me, the purpose she had dispensed to me with her Muse's Wrath, was so clear, unlike any dream.

I walked with purpose to Lillian. I knew it may be wrong and she may not understand, but I had to do this one last thing. I slowed upon seeing her. If there was a God up there, he had made one beautiful creature. She looked up and wiped her cheeks. "Hey," she tried to say brightly.

"Hi. How are you holding up?"

"I'm not really."

"Lillian…Cain will come back, I promise you that. But it won't be today."

"What?" she said, puzzled. "What do you mean?"

"It's just…intuition. But I promise you you'll have your Cain back."

She looked up at me, all innocence and beauty and a radiance that I never knew existed before her. She wouldn't understand. When she figured out what my purpose was, she wouldn't understand it for what it was. She would be angry, but what she didn't know was that I would take anything anyone ever handed to me to bear to have had been able to be with her again. I still didn't understand why this new soul in my chest had latched onto her so strongly, but I didn’t want her to be angry.

I wanted her to think on this later and know that I knew the end was coming for me. That I was at peace with it. That her happiness, though it didn't include me, was more important than anything else to me and I would have given anything to know that a smile would remain on her face.

I reached my arms out for her to come into. My cold arms that held no life, but now held purpose. She walked into them carefully and let me hug her. She assumed, I'm sure, that I was offering comfort. But this selfish heart just wanted to feel her against me one more time. I rubbed my chin in her hair and even in our dire situations, she still smelled delicious. I whispered into her hair, "Can I ask one favor?"

"Sure," she said simply.

"It may seem crazy, but I…need this, Lillian."

She pulled back and looked at me. "What's the matter?"

"Nothing, I just want to ask you for something, and I want you to say yes."

She stared into my eyes as if she sensed my next words, she stiffened a little. "Daniel…"

"Please," I begged in a whisper against her forehead. "Give me this one last thing...before I let you go."

I knew she'd misunderstand my words. I knew she'd take it as I was letting her and Cain be in peace together and giving up my plight for her. She didn't know this was my goodbye. She considered it for a long time, her eyes indicating that she wasn't the sort to cheat or lie. I begged her with my eyes, I pleaded with her and waited.

Then her lips parted and I took my chance.

With my arms still around her waist, I lowered my mouth to hers. The cavern of her mouth was warmer than anything I'd ever felt and it warmed my whole body. Her little hands pressed against my chest, a barrier she was trying to set, but that was all right. I moved us to the wall at her back so I could feel every inch of her pressed against me, boots to forehead.

Oh, God in heaven that I hoped was up there, she was worth it. This little moment was worth everything it took to get here. I was the only one who could do the task set out for me and this small gift made it worth it. For the first time in my existence, I felt like I was worthy.

I crushed her to me and almost died right there on the spot when she whimpered and pushed my chest a little harder.

Pulling away she said in protest, "Daniel."

I wasn't ready to let go yet and pressed her mouth to mine once more. I lifted one hand to her cheek and caressed her skin there and on her neck. The jasmine she had worn the day that we met was long gone, but the memory was so fresh that I could almost smell it.