Reveal Me (Shatter Me #5.5)(3)

“Hey,” she says quietly. “You can tell me, you know.”

Her voice is close. Warm. I take a deep breath. “Tell you what?”

“Tell me what’s wrong.”

I laugh again, but this time the sound is bitter. Nazeera is the last person I want to talk to. It must be some kind of cruel joke that, of all the people I know, she’s the one pretending to care.

I sigh as I sit up, frowning into the distance.

I spot Juliette across the room—long brown hair and electric smile—in less than a second. Right now my best friend has eyes only for her boyfriend, and I’m both annoyed and resigned to the fact. I can’t blame her for claiming a bit of joy tonight; I know she’s been through hell.

But right now I need her, too.

It’s been a rough night, and I wanted to talk to her earlier, to ask her what she thinks about the situation with Adam and James, but I’d only made it halfway across the room when Castle pulled me back. He made me promise to leave her alone tonight. He said it was important for J to have alone time with Warner. He wanted them to have a few moments of peace—an uninterrupted night to recover from everything they’ve been through. I rolled my eyes so hard they nearly fell out of my head.

No one ever gives me an uninterrupted night to recover from all the shit I’ve been through. No one really cares about my emotional state; no one but J, if I’m being honest.

I keep staring at her, my eyes burning holes in her back. I want her to look at me. I know if she could just see me, she’d know something was wrong and she’d come over here. I know she would. But the truth is, it’s not just Castle keeping me from ruining her night; after everything they’ve been through, she and Warner really do deserve a proper reunion. I also think that if I tried to pry her away from Warner right now he’d try to murder me for real.

But sometimes I wonder—

What about me?

Why don’t my feelings matter? Other people get to experience a full range of emotions without judgment, but I can’t be anything but happy without making most people uncomfortable. Everyone is used to seeing me smiling, being goofy. I’m the fun guy, the easygoing guy. I’m the one everyone can count on for a good laugh. When I’m sad or pissed off no one knows what to do with me. I’ve tried talking to Castle or Winston—even Ian—but no one has ever clicked with me the way J does. Castle always tries his best, but he doesn’t approve of wallowing. He gives me thirty seconds to complain before he’s offering me a motivational speech, telling me to be strong. Ian, on the other hand, gets itchy when I tell him too much. He tries to be sympathetic, but then he bolts the first chance he gets. Winston listens. He’s a good listener, at least. But then, instead of responding to what I just said, he takes a turn talking about all the things he’s been dealing with, and even though I understand that he needs to vent, too, by the end of it I feel ten times worse.

But with Juliette—

Ella?

With her, it’s different. I never even realized just how much I was missing until we really got to know each other. She lets me talk. She doesn’t rush me. She doesn’t tell me to calm down or feed me bullshit lines or tell me everything will be fine. When I’m trying to get things off my chest she doesn’t make the conversation about her or her own problems. She understands. I can tell. She doesn’t have to say a word. I can look into her eyes and know she gets it. She gives a shit about me in a way no one else ever has. It’s the same thing that makes her a great leader: she genuinely cares about people. She cares about their lives.

“Kenji?”

Nazeera’s touching my hand again, but this time I pull away, jerking awkwardly in my seat. And when I finally look up, into her eyes—I’m surprised.

She seems genuinely worried.

“Kenji,” she says again. “You’re scaring me.”





Two


I shake my head as I stand, trying my best to look unbothered.

“It’s nothing,” I say, but I’m still staring out across the room when I say it.

J is laughing at something that pretty boy just said to her, and then he smiles, and she smiles back, and she’s still smiling when he leans in and whispers something in her ear and I watch, in real time, as her whole face turns red. And then he’s touching her, kissing her here, right in front of everyone and— I turn away sharply.

I definitely wasn’t supposed to see that.

Technically, they’re not right in front of everyone. There is no everyone. There are like five people in this room. And J and Warner are actually as far away from everyone as they could manage, tucked in a corner of the room. I’m pretty sure I just violated their privacy.

Yeah, I should definitely go to bed.

“You’re in love with her, aren’t you?”

That wakes me up.

I spin around. Nazeera is looking at me like she thinks she’s some kind of genius, like she’s finally figured out the Secret Mysteries of Kenji.

As if I were that easy to understand.

“I don’t know why I didn’t see it before,” she’s saying. “You guys have such a weird, intense relationship.” She shakes her head. “Of course you’re in love with her.”

Jesus. I’m too tired for this.

I move past Nazeera, rolling my eyes as I go. “I am not in love with her.”