Repeat(52)

The man does not mess around.

Next, standing beside the big bed, he pushes down his sleep pants, stepping out of them, one hand stroking his hard cock as it points straight at the ceiling. Maybe it’s the angle I’m viewing it on, from kind of below. Or perhaps it’s just the faintly threatening size of him and how small and exposed I’m suddenly feeling. How emotionally out there all of this feels. But a flash of panic, of feeling like prey, triggers my fight or flight. And I’m rolling over and scrambling across the mattress. Which lasts exactly until my hands reach the edge and then I freeze because what the hell am I even doing anyway? Where is it I think I’m going and why exactly—such a barrage of questions inside my mind. Which is also about when Ed grabs hold of my ankle.

“What’s going on?” he asks, sounding somewhat justifiably bewildered. “Come back here a minute.”

And I have nothing. So my brain really has melted. There you go. Slowly but surely, he gently drags me back across the sheets. I startled and tried to make a run for it. Not exactly my proudest moment.

“Hey, talk to me.” He kneels on the bed beside me, rolling me over with his hands. “Clem, are you all right?”

“I’m fine. Totally humiliated, but fine.” He gently pries my hands off my flushed face. “Hi.”

“What happened?”

“I don’t know. I just had a moment, a small freak out or something. But I’m all good now. Can we pretend it didn’t happen?” I reached up for him, because hiding in his arms sounds like the best idea ever. His body is so big and comforting. A walking, talking security blanket just for me. Carefully, he rearranges us until my head is back up on one of the pillows. Arms and legs wrapped around him and face hidden in his neck, I basically just cling to him like a monkey the entire time.

“You took one look at my dick and bolted,” he murmurs. “I’m not really sure what to do with that.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. Nothing to apologize for. I probably shouldn’t have grabbed you and pulled you back like that, you just scared me.”

“It’s okay. I’d already put the escape attempt on hold,” I say. “How big are you anyway?”

“What?” he asks, his tone one of complete confusion. He’s lying on top of me, taking some of his weight on his elbows. This is a good position, much more soothing than him and his mammoth hard-on towering over me. But it’s also quite stirring, us being plastered together with nothing between us. “We’re talking about my size now? You want actual measurements?”

“Yes, please.”

“Well, too bad, I can’t give them to you,” he says, sounding more amused now. “Last thing I’m interested in doing when I’m turned on is pulling out a ruler.”

“Fine.” I exhale hard. “I just . . . I freaked out for a moment. Not exactly sure why. But obviously the mechanics of your penis fitting into my vagina have been thoroughly explored on numerous occasions and the very small panic attack was totally unwarranted and thoroughly embarrassing. Not that I’m sure it was about that exactly, I just felt . . .”

He waits me out.

“Unsafe for a second, I guess. I’m not even sure why, exactly.”

Now he just looks at me. “That’s it, Clem. I knew we were rushing. We’re calling this off till further notice.”

“No.” My hold on him tightens to strangler vine proportions. Whatever my subconscious concerns, I will not cheat myself out of this moment. “Absolutely not.”

“Baby . . .” He sighs. “I know that you’re worried about how we’re going to work out. Not just in bed, but with putting our lives back together again and being a couple and everything. But rushing into this isn’t the answer.”

“Please, just listen.” I take a deep breath and I let it out slow. Not easing back on my hold on him one iota. I can’t afford to. “This is all new to me. Every single part of this life is new, and yes, some of it is a little scary sometimes. I get surprised by my own reactions to things sometimes. But that doesn’t mean I want to stop or go backwards.”

A little line appears between his brows.

“So if you want to stop or step back for your own reasons . . . then okay. But if you’re stopping because I flipped out for a second, then don’t. I’m going to weird out occasionally. Please be okay with that.”

He says nothing.

“Stay with me, Ed.”

“I don’t know . . .”

“I do.” I kiss him lightly on the lips, once, twice, three times. Because kissing him is my favorite thing. “You’re the best thing in my life.”

“Are you sure you’re not just doing this to make me happy?” he asks.

And I give his question all due consideration. “No. I’m doing this because I want to make us both happy. But I guess I should be asking you, what would make you happy?”

His smile is slow but beautiful. “Just being with you doing whatever. I’m not that complicated.”

How previous me ever left him is beyond me. I honestly feel a little bad for the girl. No wonder she was apparently so heartbroken. To lose Ed in all his wondrousness would be a terrible thing.

“Stay with me,” I repeat.