Repeat(50)

Conversation from the next room is only a distant, low noise. And in the almost quiet, things are better. Guess I just needed some space to give myself a chance to catch up with everything. Some alone time to process things. There’s so much to think about, despite the pain in my head. It takes me a fair while to fall asleep.





Chapter Eleven


I wake up alone in the dark hours later. The condo is quiet, all traces of chatter gone. But I open the bedroom door silently, listening to be sure before heading on out in my tee and underwear. Ed is sitting at the table working. He’s got a pair of those soft blue sleep pants on, slung low on slim hips. No shirt. All that beautiful inked flesh on display. I almost start to drool. And I am apparently feeling much better. It’s not just the lust he inspires, it’s him. He makes me happy. He makes me feel wonderful things. From all of the heat of desire and warmth of affection through to the way he fills the empty places inside of me and feeding my curiosity with thoughts and words and experiences. I can’t lose this, and the bitch of it is, it could happen. Not just through mistakes we might make, but care of the asshole out there who has it in for me. Maybe I’m losing it, imagining some ticking clock, counting down the hours of my existence. The time I have left until I’m ended again. Only this time for good.

“Hey,” he says softly when he sees me coming toward him. “How are you feeling?”

“Good. What time is it?”

“Just after ten.”

“Everyone’s gone?” I slip my hand over his thick shoulder.

“Tessa and Nevin went home and Leif and Shannon headed out for a drink. I came in earlier to check on you, but you were out.” He shifts his chair back, guiding me with a hand to the hip to stand between his legs. We’re alone in the quiet gentle of the night, just me and him. This is quite possibly another favorite life moment happening right here right now. He slides my hair back from my forehead, urging me to lean over so he can kiss my scar. It agitates me a little, the effort to not stop him. To not instantly cover the wound back up with my fringe. But if this is going to work, I can’t hide from him. “You feel like going back to sleep now or you want to talk for a while?”

“I feel like staring at you because you’re so pretty.”

“But you still respect me for my mind, right?” He smiles, my hands linked around his neck while his sit on my hips.

“Oh, totally. For sure. I don’t only objectify you.”

“I don’t believe you at all,” he murmurs.

Maybe it’s the way my hand is already sliding over his hot skin, down his collarbones and over his chest. Or perhaps it’s the lust in my eyes. But I don’t really blame him for doubting. His face is all sharp lines like some film star out of an old black-and-white film. But with tatts and ’tude to bring him into the moment. To make him mine. God, I hope he’s mine. It’s fair to say my confidence regarding a lot of things has taken a hit today.

“What’s on your mind, Clem?”

“I’m worried,” I say, baring my soul. It’s necessary. This all feels so tenuous between us. As if it could be snatched away at any moment. “I’m scared you want the life back that we used to have and I can’t give that to you. I’m not the same person anymore and things have happened . . .”

His hand slips beneath my T-shirt, fingers tracing circles into my back. “It’s different now. I know.”

“Tessa and Nevin might never forgive me and they’re obviously a big part of your life, Ed.”

“They’ll get over it eventually. Give it a chance.”

I’m not convinced.

“Hey, come here.” He pulls me in closer, resting the side of his face against the front of my shirt, against my breasts. Maybe he’s listening for my heart the same way I like to listen to his. The palms of his hands slide down the back of my bare thighs, up and down. Having more access to him is heady stuff. Being allowed so close. I stroke his neck, rest my cheek against the top of his head. “You had a crappy day and it was bad timing having everyone over. That’s on me. I’m sorry, baby.”

“It’s okay.”

“Kiss me,” he orders, lifting his face to mine.

And his mouth against mine is poetry. His kiss sublime. The heat and taste of him are perfect. Pretty sure he could kiss me into submission. Hands grip my ass cheeks, fingers digging into my flesh just a little. Then he slides his fingers over my hips, tracing the waistband of my panties before heading north. Ed knows my body, knows what he’s doing. With his tongue in my mouth and his hands beneath my shirt, teasing and touching me so close to below my breasts but not quite. My stomach flips. What’s going on lower down is even more appreciative of his efforts.

It’s a definite. No matter how clever my fingers, they can’t make me feel like this. Ed has it all over masturbation, bless him.

Our lips press hard against each other, getting as close as possible. And I want more. Much more. I want everything. I break contact for a moment, lifting my shirt off over my head and throwing it far, far away. Clothing has no place in this moment. For a second, it almost occurs to me to be a little shy, standing there in nothing but my panties. But forget that. I climb onto his lap, straddling his legs. Skin on skin, my chest against his.

“Shit . . .” His voice is low and rough. The heat in his eyes intensifies by about a thousand, his gaze shifting between my face and my now bare breasts. It’s like there’s a war going on inside of him. Want versus what’s safe, what makes sense given everything that’s happened. I know which side I hope will win. He, however, remains conflicted. “Maybe you should put your shirt back on.”