Reign of Wrath (Dirty Broken Savages #3)(72)

It’s almost a relief to say it and to know that it’s safe to do so here, far away from the reality of waking life. I watch Hannah’s face, trying to gauge her reaction, but all she does is smile brighter, looking happy for me.

“I’m so glad, River,” she says. “I worry about you, you know. You always let your goals take over and forgot about how you deserve to be happy. I want you to be happy.”

That brings tears to my eyes. Hannah always did have a way of getting right to the heart of the matter. She saw me better than anyone ever has before, and even though she’s right there, close enough that I could reach out and touch her, I know this isn’t real. I know it’s a dream, and when I open my eyes, she’ll be gone.

It’s better than watching her die over and over again, knowing there’s no way I can stop it, but it still aches. It still makes my heart hurt and sends jagged pain spiking through me.

“I’m sorry,” I tell her. “I wish… .fuck. I wish I could have saved you. You have no idea how much. I wish you were really here. I wish we could go back to this tree and climb it and talk like we did when we were kids. I just…”

I shake my head, overcome. Tears stream down my face, and I don’t take my hands away from the bark of the tree to wipe them away.

Hannah’s smile turns sad, but it doesn’t dim. She nods at me, reaching out with one hand to touch my shoulder. I don’t really feel it. There’s a vague sort of warmth there, but no weight to her hand. There’s no grip when her fingers squeeze. Just more proof that she’s not really here.

“I know,” she says. “But since you couldn’t, I need you to do something else for me, okay?”

I nod through my tears, sniffling a little. It’s a good thing no one else is here to see this.

“Anything,” I tell her.

“What you can do for me instead is... live. Live, River. Live and be happy. Keep your men and find things that bring you joy. Please. That’s all I want for you.”

“Okay. I’ll try.”

It’s the best I can promise. I’ve never been good at being happy or living life without something to strive toward, but I guess fulfilling this wish for my sister is something I can put ahead of me as a goal. Not trying to kill people or get revenge. Just trying to live and be happy.

Hannah smiles, and it’s so bright it puts the sun to shame. She reaches up to touch my face, smoothing her fingers over my cheeks like she wants to wipe my tears away. She can’t do that, not even in the dream, but the thought is enough.

“Love you,” I murmur, looking into her eyes.

“Love you back,” she says. “Always.”

The dream fades, and I wake up in my bed between Ash and Gage. Ash is awake, watching me curiously as I blink and shake the haze of sleep off.

“Good morning,” he murmurs, his voice a little raspy. He leans in and kisses me, and I lean into it gladly, kissing him back and taking comfort in it.

“Bad dreams?” he asks, pulling back and searching my face.

I shake my head against the pillow, brow furrowed as I try to think of how to describe it.

“It wasn’t bad,” I say. “I was with my sister, but we were just... talking. It just hurt because…”

Ash nods, reaching up to brush hair out of my face. “Because it wasn’t real?” he offers.

I nod in return. “Yeah. Because I can only talk to her in my dreams now, and that’s not really... real. That’s not how I’d want to talk to her. But it’s a better dream than so many I’ve had, you know? I didn’t have to watch her die time and time again, and Julian wasn’t there. I’ve been having better dreams lately, where we just talk and hang out in our tree.”

“What do you talk about?” Ash wants to know. I can’t tell if he’s asking because he actually cares about the answer or because he thinks it’s good for me to talk about it, but either way, I tell him.

I smile a little, one half of it pressed into the pillow. “Well, we talked about you guys a little.”

“Oh, really?” he asks, arching an eyebrow. He doesn’t have his glasses on in bed, but we’re close enough that it doesn’t affect how he sees me, I guess. He looks younger without them, more playful. “Did you tell her how amazing we are? How we rock your world every night and then tuck you into bed like gentlemen?”

“Yeah, Ash,” I say, rolling my eyes. “I told my sister all about the sex we have. For sure.”

He laughs softly, still stroking fingers through my hair. “Knew it. What did you actually tell her?”

“I told her—” I remember telling Hannah that I loved all these men in my dream. I remember how easy it was to say it there, knowing the only person who could hear me was my sister who would never tell anyone because she can’t.

Somehow the thought of saying it out loud in the light of day is still terrifying. I’m not sure what I think is going to happen, but my heart races just thinking about it. The words won’t come out, so I take a deep breath and pivot a little.

“I told her I’d try to be happy.”

Ash narrows his eyes. He’s so fucking perceptive, especially when it comes to people not telling the whole truth. Then he grins, leaning in closer to me. “You look like you have a secret.”