Real Bad Things(71)
“Neither are you,” Georgia Lee said. “You confessed to something you didn’t do. You were supposed to keep your mouth shut, but you didn’t!”
How many times had Jane beat herself up over that same thing? An impulse decision in the moment that would follow her forever. “Because he’s my brother. Because I didn’t want him to spend his life in prison for something I caused. Because I love him.”
“And I love you!” The words seemed to shock Georgia Lee more than her murder confession. Her face went pale.
“Please.” Jane cracked the door but didn’t step outside. She wanted out, but more than that, she wanted to inflict pain. “You only ever loved yourself.”
“I loved you enough to risk everything. I thought you deserved a better life. One without Warren. I protected Jason that night, same as you. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t know what to say. I was scared about what I’d done and what would happen. And then you confessed but were released and left town. And then something happened, and I forgot. But I’ve never loved anyone like I loved you. I would do anything for you. Then. And now.”
“So you’re going to turn yourself in?” The color drained from Georgia Lee’s face. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.” She’d fallen for it. She’d let Georgia Lee slip under her skin like an infection. “Would you have let them arrest me again, after what happened tonight?” When Georgia Lee didn’t respond, Jane’s anger grew. “If you killed Warren, then you should’ve come clean back then. But you didn’t, and you have no excuse for that. None.” She slapped the back of one hand against the palm of the other, accentuating every point. “Even if your parents did lock you up as you say, you had plenty of time after I was released. You could’ve admitted it, and the cops would’ve believed you. They would’ve gone easy on you. You’re a girl from Maud Proper. You could’ve gotten off.”
“That’s not fair. I can’t help where I’m from.” Georgia Lee gasped and cried. “And you don’t know that. You don’t know what they would’ve done. It would’ve been anyone’s fault but Warren’s. You know that better than anyone else. I only meant to hurt him, to stop him from hurting Jason. And me! He hurt me too! Did you forget about that! I didn’t know what he would do. He could’ve killed me!” Georgia Lee’s voice cracked. She paused, tried to catch her breath and calm her pulse. “I didn’t mean to kill him. And I didn’t mean to lie. I’m so sorry, Jane.” She gasped out the words. “I’m so sorry.”
“You never answered me.” Jane pushed the door all the way open, and heat and humidity filled the car. The rain had stopped.
“About what?” Georgia Lee searched her face.
“Did you think fucking me would help you somehow? That if Jason ended up telling them the truth about what you did, I might be more forgiving and go to prison for you?”
“My God, Jane, no. No, of course not. I don’t regret it—” Before the words could leave Jane’s mouth, Georgia Lee stopped her. “Of course I regret not telling you the truth! But not tonight. Not us. This. Warren hurt you. I told you because I know what I did was wrong. And I will never forgive myself for that. And I don’t expect you to either.”
“Trust me. I won’t,” Jane said. “Forgive or go to prison. Not for you.”
Twenty-Four
GEORGIA LEE
Everyone said the third time was the charm, but even Georgia Lee had doubts when it came to her salvation. God might forgive her, but what of the rest? Rusty? The boys? Not to mention the one whom she’d harmed the most. She left the laundromat parking lot with every intention of going home and waiting for her fate, delivered either by Jane or Jason. But waiting had done no good thus far. Every time a new Let’s Talk About Maud emerged with some new rumor, she felt as though a fist had ripped through her diaphragm. She truly believed she could be suffering a heart attack like her mother. Earlier that week, she’d mentioned it to Dr. Irwin (minus the root cause, of course), and he’d calmly told her it was probably heartburn. After her initial rage at his dismissal, she’d come around to the idea he could be right. But that’s what her mother had thought. Then she couldn’t help but think perhaps the Lord was trying to tell her something. Or trying to get her to tell something. To use a particular word: guilty.
Even saying the word made Georgia Lee swallow down hard. Despite Jane’s admonishment to the contrary, things hadn’t been easy for Georgia Lee. Nothing catastrophic, of course. Nothing like what she imagined Jane had gone through, thinking that Jason had been guilty the whole time, being locked up, even if it was juvie. Georgia Lee had been locked up as well! But she often considered her memories of that year as though someone had put stones in her shoes. Reminders of her bad behavior. She’d ignored it for so long she’d told herself discomfort was the price of being a person in the world trying to do good, not willing to believe it was because she’d not taken care of the bad she’d done in the first place.
She’d put them all in an impossible position, begging them not to go to the police. That had been her idea, one that gained traction after Jane wrongly assumed that Jason had killed Warren. Georgia Lee had broken her mind to avoid facing what she’d done. No amount of church or public service could help, and she’d tried. She’d tried to reconcile with Jane, even though it was wrong. She’d squeezed her hand and kissed her and shared something once more in the car, but she knew every time Jane looked at her now, thought of her, Georgia Lee’s lie would sit between them. Though Jane would never hear it, Georgia Lee hadn’t planned what had happened in the car. But what Georgia Lee had done to Warren was an act of love too. What Georgia Lee had done was for Jane, who so loved her brother that she took the blame for him. But it’d sapped every last bit of love between them. There was no going back. There was no going forward. Not together.