Put Me Back Together(106)

“Oooooohhh,” the campers chorus before collapsing into giggles all around us. A high-pitched whistle directs my attention to Oleg, who waves at us from his spot in the crowd, sitting between Brit and Eric. As we wave back, I realize all eyes are on us. I am kissing Lucas Matthews, after all, former Golden Gaels MVP and all-around stud. Half the campers have raging crushes on him, and most of the female counsellors, as well. I know I should be blushing at the spectacle we’ve made of ourselves, but I can’t really bring myself to care. Reaching up, I plant one more generous kiss on him before smiling into his lips.

“Knock ‘em dead, or break a leg, or whatever the proper term would be,” I say.

“Thanks,” he says, kissing me again, and again, until all the counsellors are calling his name and he really has to go. “Watch closely, Hero,” he says just before he lets me go, “because the next basket is for you.” I smile like a lovesick idiot as he walks back to his team and the game starts up again.

When we were little, Emily and I liked to imagine what it would be like if we switched lives. It wouldn’t have been very hard, we thought—after all, we were identical—but we always lost interest when she realized she didn’t like the way my crayons stained her hands and I didn’t want to wear any of her frilly clothes. After Tommy died, when I was in high school, I used to spend whole days dreaming of the lives I could have if I was someone else, someone who wasn’t miserable all the time, someone who could stand to look at herself in the mirror, someone who’d never known Tommy or Brandon, or hurt, or lies.

Now, as I watch Lucas make a spectacular slam dunk—just for me—I realize how much things have changed. For the first time in what seems like forever I don’t want to be someone else. I like the life I’ve painted for myself, full of rough edges and bright colours, dazzling sunshine and dark shadows, a life filled with pain, but also love. These days, when I look at myself in the mirror, I see a girl who’s not quite in focus, a girl in transition, with wild hair and fingers spattered with paint, haunted eyes and a big smile. I’m looking forward to the day when that girl will be glued back together, when she’ll stand tall, when she’ll be whole again.

I think it’s coming soon.



The End