Player(83)

And I would. As soon as I explained, I would leave her alone. As soon as I told her I loved her, I’d disappear.

I was already set up and waiting when musicians began entering in a trickle, then a stream. And then the pit was full, even a scowling, banged-up Ian.

Everyone but Val.

She almost missed the opening, sliding into her seat as the house lights went down. I watched her back as she readied her instrument. Her shoulders were stiff, her back ramrod straight.

I’d only caught a glimpse of her face, her eyes shining and swollen, her nose red from crying, her heart visible from across the room, shattered and glittering under the lights of my inspection.

Everything I’d been afraid of so long ago had come true. Only it wasn’t Ian who’d broken her.

It was me.

I was overcome by the determination to make it right. To fix what I’d broken. To undo what had been done.

If she only gave me the chance, I’d do anything.

The show seemed to go on for an inordinate amount of time, and all the while, my eyes were on her. With bruised, aching hands, I played to her, played for her, wondered if she could hear me, wondered if she could feel me.

To see her and not speak drove me to madness.

When the show finally ended, I set down my bass and wound my way through the chairs and stands to her.

She was already standing, her case in hand and head down.

“Val,” I started, still a row away.

She flinched but didn’t look up and never stopped moving. I threaded my way through the pit behind her.

“Val, please,” I said around apologies and excuse mes as I wove around chairs and music stands.

She disappeared around the corner.

I cursed under my breath and picked up my pace, finally catching up to her just as she pushed out of the door and onto the sidewalk.

“Wait, please,” I said, reaching for her. “I…I just need to—”

She whirled around, her face bent. “Please, just leave me alone. You’ve done enough.”

I retracted my hand, clenching it at my side, my fucked up knuckles flashing with penitent pain. “I know. I’m sorry. You’ve got to know how sorry I am.”

“Sorry you got caught or sorry you took out the bet?”

“Both,” I answered honestly, hating myself for the truth.

She took a measured breath, her jaw tight.

“Ian said if I didn’t go after you, he would. He wouldn’t have let it go. He wouldn’t have stopped until he ruined you, hurt you.”

“Neither did you.”

The barb hit home, the ache in my chest focusing to the point of impact. “I wanted to save you from him, so I took the bet. And when you said you’d never dated, I found a way to save you and help you without misleading you. I thought I was doing the right thing, but then…then…” I swallowed. “Val, I think…I think I’m—”

“Please, stop talking.” She shook her head, chin flexed and eyes brimming with tears. “Don’t you think I’m smart enough to see through Ian? I wouldn’t have ever gone out with him. I wouldn’t have slept with him. I wouldn’t have entertained even the idea of him. I didn’t need saving, Sam.” Another shake of her head, her eyes turning up to the stars in betrayal, as if they could have warned her against me. “But you…you knew you could have me. Am I that predictable? Did you think yourself that much above me? And never once did you consider my position. Not once did you think about how I would feel. Because if you had, you would have told me the truth right then and there.”

“I thought…Val, telling you would have hurt you. I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“So you lied and hurt me worse. You once told me you’d never lie to me, not about anything But that was a lie too, wasn’t it?”

I swallowed, my feet rooted to the concrete, my hands aching to touch her, to hold her. But I’d lost that right and all others I’d earned. “I only had your heart in mind. This…this is exactly what I was trying to prevent. And when I realized how I felt, what I wanted, nothing else mattered.”

“To you. Nothing else mattered to you. But it mattered to me.” She backed away. Her voice wavered like moth’s wings. “Sam, you’ve got to leave me alone. You’ve got to respect this one request, please. After everything, this is all I ask. I can’t tell you it’s all right. I can’t absolve you. Not right now.”

There was nothing to say, nothing to do but nod my concession. I had to respect her request. I hadn’t respected her enough.

I owed her this.

I owed her so much more.

And all I could do as she walked away was wonder if I’d ever have the chance to make it up to her.

It wasn’t until I lost sight of her that I finally turned for the theater with my shoes full of lead and my heart lining the soles.

It all caught fire when I saw Ian leaning against the wall at the back entrance.

I didn’t acknowledge him, not outwardly at least. Inside, every single molecule reached for his throat.

“You’ve exceeded all expectations, Sammy. Well done.”

“Fuck you, Jackson.” I passed him without looking.

“I mean, who would have thought you’d actually fall for her? Really, I’m impressed.”