Player(82)

Sam stood at my door, hands buried in the pockets of his coat and head hanging low. The stubble on his jaw was thick, and when he looked up at the window, his eyes were as hollow and haunted as mine.

The sight of him gutted me.

We bolted back as if it would undo the fact that he’d seen us.

Rin took my hand. “Do you want to talk to him?”

I shook my head and swallowed. Or tried to. The lump in my throat didn’t budge.

Katherine put on her game face. “I’ve got this.”

We followed her down the stairs in a pack. Rin and Amelia stood behind Katherine, arms folded like twin sentinels, and I pressed my back to the wall behind the door and out of sight.

I tried to breathe. That was probably the hardest part.

Katherine straightened up and opened the door. “Hello, Sam.” Her voice was stern. It was her librarian voice, and she wielded it like a mace.

“Is she here?” he asked, the words thick and rough.

“Yes, but she doesn’t want to see you. I’m sorry.”

“I…I understand. But I just need to talk to her, just for a minute. Just once, and then I’ll go. Please, I don’t want the first time seeing her to be at work.”

Katherine waited. I sensed her watching me in her periphery, so I shook my head.

“I’m sorry,” she said again. “If you want, I can pass along a message.”

“The things I need to say are for her and her alone. I have to…I need to…” His voice broke. A pause. “I know I hurt her, but you have to believe me when I say I never meant to. When I said I wanted to be with her, I meant every word. And when I said I only wanted to make her happy, it was the truth. It’s still the truth.”

I heard a shuffling, and then he spoke again.

“Give her this.” His hand appeared, disembodied. In it was a box that he placed in Katherine’s waiting palm. “Her birthday present. Tell her…tell her I’m sorry.”

“I will,” she said and began to close the door. “Goodbye, Sam.”

He said nothing. And then the door was closed, separating him from me with deep finality.

The three of them turned to me. Katherine handed me the box.

I couldn’t sort out what to do with it as I turned it over in my hands. It was small, a black box tied with a blood-red ribbon. The urge to pull the ribbon tip was equal to the urge to throw it into the fireplace and strike a match.

But I didn’t do either. I just held it in my hands and stared at it.

“Are you going to open it?” Katherine asked.

“I don’t know,” I answered. My feet carried me to the kitchen, and when I reached the island, I sat on a barstool. My eyes didn’t leave the gift, which I set on the granite.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” Katherine offered, resting a comforting hand on my back.

“I don’t want to. Not yet,” I realized, withdrawing my hands, placing them in my lap where they were safe. “Maybe not ever. But definitely not right now.”

The four of us stared at the present in silence.

“Why did he have to come here?” I asked no one. “Why did he have to be so perfect? Why did I believe it was real?”

Rin’s hand rested on my back. “It might have started on a lie, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t real.”

I shook my head. “When everything is built on a lie, there is no trust. What was real, and what wasn’t? Every moment we shared has replayed in my mind, and I mistrust every one. Maybe someday I won’t feel like I’ve been manipulated and betrayed. Maybe one day I won’t feel like he stole my heart just to see if he could. Maybe, eventually, I won’t miss him anymore. And until then, I have to endure his presence at work. There’s no escaping him there.”

“Do you think he’ll try to talk to you?” Amelia asked.

“I know he will.” A long, slow sigh slipped out of me. “If I wasn’t terrified to lose my seat to a sub, I’d call in. But I’ve already lost my heart. I’m not about to lose my job, too.” I slid off the stool. “Now, let’s go back to my room where we will talk about anything other than this while we eat. Preferably until we’re sick.”

Rin hooked her arm in mine. “Anything you want, Val.”

I wore a tired smile. “Thank you. Thank you for always being here. With lasagna.”

And she smiled back. “Anything but cake.”

Katherine bobbed her head. “I mean, lasagna is kind of like cake. Pizza cake.”

Amelia shoved her. “Killjoy! Don’t ruin it for her.”

“Just don’t put birthday candles on it, and we’re good,” I said with a halfhearted laugh, still holding out that someday, my wish would come true.

Because as badly as I hurt, as completely as my heart was broken, and as deeply as I missed him, I still never wanted to see his beautiful face again.





30





Eat Your Heart Out





Sam

The pit was empty and quiet, the chairs still and solitary, the air humming with energy.

I knew she didn’t want to talk to me. I knew what I’d promised Dante. I knew the right thing was to leave her alone.